Prickly situation...

Oh, the things one will do to have a child.

Tom and I had an appointment with Dr. X yesterday afternoon to discuss our treatment plan following the start of the new year.

Next cycle, I am to begin a hormone injection called Follistim.  This is a man-made version of the follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) which occurs (or supposed to occur) naturally in the body.   Follistim AQ is used to treat infertility in women who cannot ovulate.  It regulates ovulation and assists in the growth and development of eggs in a woman's ovaries.

This is the kicker:  The drug is delivered by injection directly into the...ABDOMEN.  Some of you are aware of my slightly odd and unreasonable fear of belly buttons.  I have hated them ever since I remember, and cannot stand anyone (including myself) getting near mine.  They are disgusting.  Even the thought of someone touching my bellybutton makes me nauseous.  This being the case, I was extremely nervous at the prospect of giving myself a shot in the stomach.  I have had nightmares about this.

Yesterday, we even practiced administering the injection on little boob-like flesh simulators.  After a few stabs into the fleshy boob thingy, the nurse gives me a syringe and tells me to try it in MY STOMACH.  I felt like sayin' "What u talkin' bout Willis?!?"  Instead, my eyes got extra wide and I began to stutter.  I SO was not prepared to go all in today.  I thought this was just a class...I figured I still had a couple of weeks until I would be forced to put myself through such an ordeal.  But the nurse continued to insist that I give myself a shot right there in front of her for practice.

I looked to my left at Tom.  The blood had rushed completely from his face and he looked as if he would faint at any moment.  No help there.  Then I looked across the table to my mother.  She had just removed her practice syringe from the boob-like thing.  It was bent at a forty-five degree angle.  Even less help.  This is when I realized it would be up to me.  So, feeling the weight of expectation coming from the nurse, I went for it. 

To my surprise, and utter delight, I didn't feel a thing.  The needle is super small and looks very similar to an epi-pen.  As I pushed it into my stomach, I expected to feel like I was being stabbed to death (or at the very least a slight sting).  Nope, nothing.  My relief was palpable.

So, I had to give Cindy the nurse credit.   After it was over she informed me that she made me try it then and there so I wouldn't spend the remaining couple of weeks worrying myself to death.  And she was right, I had already been dreading giving myself these shots nightly.  Now, I can focus all my energy on worrying about other things...like the cost; whether it will work; etc. etc.  I'm not sure this is exactly what Cindy would want me to do with the spare energy, but it can't be helped.  If I'm being honest that is exactly what I will do.  But, at least Cindy's little plan took one of the worries off that list. 

Thanks Cindy!

Help me choose...

Our wedding is just weeks away and I am trying to get everything together.  I am trying to decide how I would like my hair that day.  I need your help!  Vote!!

Style #1:

Style #2

Style #3:

Style #4:

Style #5

Style #6

Style #7

What do you think?  I have some extensions to help poof up the volume  :)

The Final Exam

Today was the last procedure Dr. X wanted me to have prior to us beginning hormone injections and artificial insemination:  a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG).  This is a test where a radiologist injects a dye through your cervix and into your uterine cavity.  It is performed to determine female fertility potential, i.e. whether the fallopian tubes are open or blocked.  The dye travels through the uterus, into the fallopian tubes, spilling into the abdominal cavity.  Obviously, a blockage will prevent the dye from passing and this problem will be detected by the radiologist using an X-ray machine.


I knew it wasn't a good sign when my diet coke exploded all over me in the car on our way to the hospital.  And I mean, exploded everywhere.  My sweatshirt and pants were soaked.  I was already really nervous (as I always am prior to any of these type procedures), and the wet clothes did not help matters one bit.  As usual, I have to give my man props for knowing exactly what to do in this situation.  As I sat crying in the passenger seat and only moments away from a nervous breakdown, he did the three things that he knows will bring me back:  He held my hand, calmly repeated sweet words of reassurance, and otherwise kept quiet and let me do my thing.   Attempts to argue with or even reason me back down make me more agitatied.   Others don't realize this until its too late, and some continue with this strategy despite knowing it will fail.  Not Tom.  Its almost like he instinctively knows these things.  I love that about him.  In the heat of the moment during my emotional breakdowns, I am unable to recognize the genious in his manner.  But afterward, I am always super impressed by his ability to talk me down off the ledge. 

So, by the time we actually arrived at the hospital I had stopped crying and regained composure.  We checked into radiology and sat down to wait.  Just moments later I was called back to change into a hospital gown and wait in another area for my room to open up.  As I sat there, all alone, I became more and more nervous.  Thoughts and questions were flying through my head such as:  I know this shit is going to be painful, but just how painful?  Did I forget to shave my legs?  Oh shit, of course I did...Did I put this hospital gown on right?  Was I supposed to leave the opening in the front or the back?...How will  Oprah  get out of bed every morning without having an audiance full of drueling, idiotic, women to preach to?...What if they find a blockage in my tubes?  Jesus, what will we do then?...Which one of those Bush twins was the one arrested for underage drinking?...And so on, and so forth...

Finally, a nice lady named Rita came to get me for the procedure.  She took me into the X-ray room.  There was a large X-ray machine hanging over a large stainless steel table with stirrups at the end.  Oh, goody goody.  I stepped up on the footstool and laid down on the table.  Rita told me to scoot down, scoot down some more, and scoot down even more.  In fact, I thought she was going to scoot me right off the table.

She was busy trying to ready the room for the Doctor, who was late.  Judging from the fuss she was making, he was a bit of a perfectionist.  She kept telling me how this particular Doctor "made her nervous" and "would get on her" if things weren't exactly to his specifications.  The more she rushed to get things ready, the more my blood pressure went up. 

Rita left the room to call and see if the doctor was on his way.  There is something inherently initmidating about a hospital, and this effect grows when you are left alone in the exam room.  I laid there looking up at the big machine, my knees pointing directly to God, and felt nothing but panic.  Rita came back in the room to find me silently crying.  As tears poured down the sides of my face, I couldn't decide why I was crying, but I knew I couldn't stop.   

Poor Rita forgot all about the demanding Doctor and started comforting me.  She told me success stories, people who had the same procedure and became pregnant almost instantly.  She held my hand and brought me tissues.  She asked me about my family and my interests.  She destracted me from my sadness, my fear, and myself.  Rita got me through.  Today, Rita acted as my guardian angel.  Guess I should have gotten her last name.

So, when the Doctor finally flew through the doors, he got right down to business.  I won't go into detail about the procedure.  I will say it was painful.  It was akward and invasive.  But it wasn't unbearable.  I am glad its over, and I hope I never have to have it done again...

Despite the emotional rollercoaster and pain of today, I'm glad we did it.  Mostly because we got good news ~ my tubes look good!  There were no obvious blockages or problem areas.  So, Tom and I have the green light to start hormone injections whenever we are ready (aka finacially able). 

Final Thought:  This child better be worth all this damn trouble.  He/she better not grow up to be a disrespectful little shit like most of the kids I see in court, or grow up and wear one of those gross earring things that stretch a large gaping hole into their body.  Or turn out to be a democrat (don't worry Laurina, I'm just kidding)  :)

Some wedding Deets...

So, I thought I would share some of the deets of our small ceremony which is approaching fast!!!  New Years Eve!  We are so excited!!!  We got our wedding bands last night, so just about everything is ready. 

I want the front of my gown to remain a surprise, but here is a teaser...This is what the back looks like:

 It's very dramatic, and very vintage-inspired, and thus very me.  In my mind PERFECT for a 1940's themed murder mystery wedding  :)  To keep the drama going, I have will be wearing the following accessories:

The ceremony is being held outside on my mother's covered deck, so I will need a little something to cover my shoulders.  I think this will fit the bill!

I am known by friends and family, and in court, for my love of long, dangly, and at times mildly inappropriate earrings.  But I've never really cared what other people thought.  So who really cares if most of the other female attorneys wear small and delicate jewelry to court?  That's just not my thing.  So, it's only right that I bring out the bling big time for our wedding!   These babies are 3 1/2 inches long! 

As for my hair, I am thinking it needs to be up, vintage-y, and bangin'.  I have a beautiful headpiece with an ivory flower, crystals, and a few feathers.  I want something soft, not too fixed or glued tight to my head, and big.  Yes, people, I like big hair.  I am a southern woman and heart and believe the bigger your hair, the closer you are to God.   Besides that, I have a big head (which I believe is needed to store my large brain), so therefore I look postitively stupid without some body to my hair. 

So, that's all you get for now.  On the fertility side of things, I am scheduled to take my dye test this Thursday afternoon.  I will be glad to get it over with, and hopefully this is the last of the inquiry-related stuff.  Cross your fingers and hope for good news!



Blessings in Disguise

As a bit a of control freak, I tend to get very annoyed when things "don't go my way" as Tom would say.  Thus, I get nervous when plans get messed up or changed at the last minute.  I am working on this and trying to remind myself that the "plans" I make may not always be what the universe has in mind.  And, in the end, I really do believe that things happen for a reason.

One of these incidents happened this weekend.  Tom and I were supposed to attend a party Saturday afternoon at our good friends' home.  Ashton and Kyle are a hilarious pair.  They are engaged to be married this spring, and I couldn't be happier for them.  They had their annual "chili cookoff" on Saturday afternoon in honor of Kyle's birthday. Tom and I made our chili together Friday night and let it simmer in the crock pot all night.  We combined my Mamaw's Appalachian chili recipe with Tom's Texas/Oklahoma style chili.  It turned out awesome ~ I personally think we would have won first prize.  Saturday morning, Tom left for work and we were supposed to leave as soon as he got home.  He was only scheduled to work 1/2 a shift to help with the Christmas parade.  The party started around 11, and we were going to leave as soon as Tom got home which was supposed to be around 12.

Well, then there came the snow.  Tom had to stay over at work, and I was left sitting at home waiting for him to come home.  By the time he got here, he was cold, wet, and tired.  All he wanted to do was snuggle and rest.  I was disappointed and felt bad because we had to cancel on our friends.  For the old Amanda, this could have ruined my day.  But, instead, I chose to make the best of the situation and I'm so glad I did.

So, we took the chili to my mother's house (2 doors down) and watched movies in front of the fire with her and my stepfather Dave.  It was a lazy, cozy, night.  We all sat in our pj's, drank wine, and just relaxed.  It was wonderful spending quality time with family.  And it was just the thing both Tom and I needed. 

It just goes to show that maybe I don't always know best.  That sometimes, despite my best laid plans, I should just relax and let life happen.

And I think the same reasoning could be applied to our fertility struggles.  Although nobody wants to go through this, it has made us stronger.  It has confirmed to me just how committed and supportive Tom really is.  And hopefully, our struggle will make us that much more appreciative when it finally does happen. 

One of those Dorothy Zbornak kinda days.

So, I have an appointment to see my general practitioner this afternoon.  It's hard to explain, but I have been feeling just off lately.  These last few of weeks I have felt excessively drained of energy.  I have also had frequent headaches and stomach aches, which in and of themselves are nothing, but make life miserable when you are already feeling bad in general.  I know my body, and I know something is wrong. 

What is exactly wrong with me? I have three theories:  1. My hormones are causing me to feel this way  2.  I have run myself down and my mono is back  3.  My depression medication is no longer working.

1.  I recently went back on the birth control pill to complete the necessary testing associated with a fertility diagnosis.  I went back on Yaz, a pill I took with no problems a few years ago.  However, since I started this pill I have noticed that PMS symptoms have trippled.  I cramp excessively, have horrible headaches, and am sick to my stomach the week before my period.  Could this medication also be causing my general ickiness feeling?  Hum.  I don't know.

2.  I had mono at 16.  I have always heard that once you have had it, you will always test positive for it.  And if you don't watch yourself, you can run yourself down so much as to have it become active in your body again.  This would surely explain why I have been feeling so lethargic lately.  This past year has been a doozy.  Lots of exciting changes, but lots of stresses too.  Opening my own business has been a blessing in many ways: I am no longer at the mercy of others, I have flexibility in my schedule that is hard to beat, and I am the master of my own destiny.  But the flip side of that coin is that I'm never off.  I am always on call.  The life of a criminal defense attorney demands that your cellphone be on and within reach at all times.  People sitting in jail are not that understanding about "me time."  A missed call could mean a missed mortgage payment.  And as wonderful as it is to be master, it is also stressful.  I get no salary.  I live by what I make.  Most of the month I spend calculating and recalculating what I need to earn in order to pay next month's bills.  Maybe I have worried and run myself to death, therefore re-activating the dreaded mono.

3.  Over the years, I have had bouts with minor depression and anxiety.  In law school, I took Paxil for about a year.  This allowed me to get through the dreaded "first year" without going completely insane.  This past year, my doctor put me on Lexapro to help balance my innards.  Some people seem embarassed to admit these things, but I don't find any shame in it.  I'm not one of those people who think you should just muddle through until you find yourself with a noose in one hand and a gun in the other.  By God, if there is a medication available which can help, why not use it as another tool in your arsenal?  People are weird about that stuff.  But, anyways, I can't help but wonder if my current medication is no longer working as it should.  I see those commercials with questions like "Trouble getting out of bed?"  "Do you avoid other people?"  My answer is, yes, yes!  I hate getting out of bed in the morning, and as for people, I dread seeing them.  I am so tired of people in general and their never ending problems and gripes.  Does this mean I'm depressed or just a synical bitch?  I don't know.  And, do you have to be sad to be depressed?  Because I'm generally very happy about my life.  I do, however, at times get overly-stressed out and have my share of freak-out days.  I have even been known to have anxiety attacks where I have trouble breathing.  And, as much progress as I have made in accepting my fertility limitations, I would be lying if I said it never bothers me.  I still go through the whole thing at times:  the self-pitty, the why me?'s.   I don't know.  Maybe I'm just a whollotta crazy...

So, today I feel like Dorothy Zbornak (for all you Golden Girls fans out there) in that episode where she was finally diagnosed with CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome).  Remember when she told that Doctor off in the restaurant because he made her feel like a crazy and senile old woman?  Well, I'm gonna get my big girl "Bea Arthur" panties on and get to the bottom of this one way or another  ;) 

If I'm Dorothy Zbornak, does that make my mom Sophia?  LOL  ;)

Hope may float, but she's a bitch

Despite all I know about my body and it's reproductive limits.  Despite the fact that I am currently on birth control (for regulatory and treatment purposes).  Despite all my common sense.  Hope, the fairy, fought her way up this weekend, so much so that I took an EPT this morning.

I am about four days late.  In normal Amanda world, this is nothing.  But when taking the BC pill, I am traditionally regular.  So, as days came and went this Holiday weekend with no sign of my period, I became increasingly suspicious.  Every minor stomach ache I've had the past couple weeks took on brand new meaning.  The fact that I have been sleeping more than usual went from a sign of exhaustion to something else.  Could it be?  Could this be the answer to my prayers?  Could God be throwing me a curve ball?

And there she was, Hope. I hadn't seen her in a while but she was just as pink cheeked and chipper as ever.  "You never know" she chirped as flew around my head, "It happens all the time!"  The realist in me said, "Yeah, but not to me."  She counters, "Oh!  That's not the way to think.  Stranger things have happened."  And then, she really starts on a roll:  "Wouldn't this be great?!?  What a wonderful Christmas present!  We could plan a special presentation when the family is in town, Oh my Goodness they would be so shocked and excited!!!!  I think I remember seeing a website where we can order a stork..."  Blah Blah Blah. 

Well, she just wouldn't shut up once she started. So, this morning against my better judgment, I made the trip to Walmart to get the test.  Sitting there, waiting for that little line to appear or not to appear, my stomach was in knots.  I felt flushed, excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time.  Then it happened.  No plus ~ just that lonely little minus that I have seen so many times.   Once again, my heart was broken. 

I'm not sure why or how I had myself convinced that it could be positive.  I'm generally a smart and practical girl.  The odds were just too great against it.  It was unreasonable to believe.  And it was reckless.  The thing about allowing myself to travel down that particular fantasy road is that I must suffer the blow when I'm dropped back into reality.  Despite all that I know now, it is just as difficult to see it there again, in purple and white.  That stupid little stick, so smug and all-knowing.  That damn minus sign is like a kick in the gut.

And Hope, I haven't seen her since.  She has disappeared again. I assume she has gone back to her little fantasy world, leaving me here all alone with the stupid stick.  I hope that bitch breaks a wing or something.

Ode to a Man

I have been asked why I fell so hard and fast for Tom.  Aside from his handsome facade, beautiful blue eyes, salt and pepper (mostly salt :)) hair, and strong body, there is so much more to this man than meets the eye.  Not to detract from his agreeable physical characteristics (of which there are many in my view), but the man I fell in love with is so much more....

...When I talk, he listens.  He wants to know my opinions, my thoughts, my feelings.  He doesn't mind when I get all "rilled up" about this or that.  He makes me feel like I am not that crazy for getting too involved in a work problem or the latest political debate.  What's more, he responds.  He shares his view and actively participates in helping me solve the latest problem.  He is a true partner.  Which, in my view, is what man should be.

...He makes me feel special.  I can't remember one single day when he failed to tell me that he thinks I am beautiful.  He leaves me sweet little notes and sends me emails during the work day.  The one I got yesterday said simply "Did you know that you still take my breath away?"  My lazy ass was still in bed when he sent this sweet message (he works first shift).  But rest assured, it absolutely made my day when I finally woke up and read it.  It may seem shallow to some, but this type of thing is important to me.  I know what it's like to feel, well, invisible.  His daily expression of admiration for me is stunningly sexy.

...He helps around the house.  Or, should I say he does most of the house work?  It's kind of a toss up.  I swear this is true: I have not done laundry since the man moved in.  This of course is no problem for me.  I hate laundry.  Daily, I come home from work to find him vacuuming, straightening, and cleaning the house.  I swear it's the military in  him.  Whatever it is, I'm good with it.  And, not that I don't clean.  But I certainly can't represent that I do most of the work.  We share it.  And I love that about him.


...He supports me no matter what.  I could come up with the most outrageous, outlandish, absurd dream out there and he would be game.  I could say "I want to move to Australia to raise kangaroos" and he would start looking for property.  That is just how he is.  Last year, I left the house one morning for work and came home two hours later unemployed.  I quit my job.  Just like that.  Without another job.  Without another plan.  When I told him, he said, "I knew you were going to quit anyways.  Who cares?  What do you want to do?  We will make it happen."  Never mind that we had lost half our income in a down economy.  If I thought that was what I needed to do, then so be it.  He was in.  This kind of loyalty is seldom found and should be treasured.

...He lets me feel, he lets me express, and he comforts me after.  Believe it or not, I am not that open of a person.  I have traditionally had problems expressing my feelings.  My opinions, no, my feelings, yes.  Something about Tom makes me feel safe enough to do this.  This has been especially important when facing my reproductive challenges.  I used to be so hesitant to even acknowledge, much less discuss, my infertility.   It's like Tom is my safe space. 

Here's hoping he is the father of my children 

The Security Blanket

We had our FIRST SNOW of the season last night!!!!  What a perfect beginning to the holiday season. 

I'm somewhat of an oddity in that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE snow.  I'm not ashamed to admit that the childhood excitement surrounding "snow days" has never left me.  So, winter after winter, I instantly revert back to an eight year old little girl with the falling of the first flake.  The only down side I can see to snow is that it causes me to miss my litle sis even more than usual. 

Some of my fondest childhood memories are set in the winter.  Laura and I used to squeeze over the top of one of the heat returns in our old house, cover up with a blanket, and lay there all night watching the snow fall.  Periodically, we took turns leaving our warm little snuggle sanctuary to run into the kitchen and ask dad whether school had been called off yet.  He, as many of you would remember, spent most nights in the kitchen watching television and listening to the radio (yes, at the same time).  Now an entire book, much less blog, could be dedicated to the oddities and habits of my father, but this is one we could never understand.  How could he listen to the television and talk radio at the same time?  I have no idea.  But, "snow days" were the one time this confusing and annoying habit actually came in handy.  When the word came out, he would be one of the first to know.  And sure enough, when that unlucky sister came running back to get under the blanket again, she was always met by the other who had kept her spot warm and ready for her return. 

My sister and I did not have a perfect childhood by any means.  We had our share of problems within our home.  For every wonderful memory, there is a hurtful one there too.  Our family, like so many others, was plagued by substance abuse and dysfunction.  But age has taught me that no one family is perfect.  This fact is true no matter how good some are at hiding it.   At the end of the day, the overwhelming consistency in my childhood was love.  I was a loved child.  My family may have been crazy and dysfunctional, but overall, the crazies were a loving bunch and to me this was more than enough.

My sister and I are closer now that we have ever been.  I feel so fortunate to have her.  When I think of what it would like to be an only child, to not have someone to share our family's joys and sorrows with, it is truly unimaginable to me.  As an adult, I have come to realize the magic and blessing of a sibling relationship.  You take care of eachother.  But, what is more impressive to me is that when I look back, we were doing it as children too.  We did it instinctively.  Without even knowing it. 

Today, I know anytime that I feel cold or lonely, my sister is just a phone call away.  She is still sitting over that heat vent, holding my side of the blanket up, saying "come on in", and always ready to shelter me from the cold.  I can only hope that if I am able to have one child that I can have another so that he or she can experience this truly remarkable lifelong relationship.

Thank you Laura for continuing to be a source of support and love.  You continue to inspire me.  I can't wait to see you and Ben at Christus.  xoxo  I love you  :)   

Thanks-giving.

Thanks-giving.  Present-tense.  At its simplest it means to be thankful for what you have been given thus far in your life.  Our anncestors honored Thanksgiving to celebrate a bountiful harvest.  Thankfully, today most of us do not have to worry about starving to death over the winter.  But we should likewise use this time to give thanks for our current blessings...

Bills, everyday to-dos, personal problems, and other worries have a way of making us forget about our blessings in the now.  These last couple weeks, I have allowed myself to fall into this trap.  I suppose this is only natural.  As Tom and I are getting closer to being "cleared" for actual fertility treatment (injections/AI), it is becoming more of a reality that we will have to figure out how to pay for such treatment.  And so everyday I cringe as I pull another bill from the mailbox.  I constantly dwell on one thought:  After all this work figuring out what is wrong with me, how in the world are we going to pay for the actual treatments?  And if somehow we figure out how to, will they work?

Why do I do this to myself?  Why do I de-value all of the blessings I have been given by focusing so much on the future unknown?  Not only is this behavior wasteful, it is also destructive.  It prevents me from living in the moment and enjoying the happiness that is now.  I am in love with a man who makes me smile from morning until night, we are getting married, we have a nice home, we have three beautiful healthy animals, our families are healthy, and we are keeping up with the bills (even if not ahead): so why must I constantly try and squash my own happiness by worrying about the future?

It's not that I am saying we should not think about the future at all.  Planning for the future is important.  But, I am drawing the line when these worries negatively effect my present mood. 

I thank the love of my life for helping me realize this important lesson.  He is constantly reminding me of what is going right...and this is just one of the things for which I am Thankful this Holiday season. 

Bridal brainstorm

So, the invitations (not that we are actually inviting anyone but family) have been ordered and the date has been set.  We are getting married on December 31, 2010. Yay!  We are having a small, inimate, gathering at home with just our family and close-close friends.  Maybe like 20 people in all. 

We had been going back and forth about whether to elope or have a ceremony with our families.  In the end, though, our families are just too important and supportive of us to leave behind.  So, since most of our family will be in for the holidays, we decided to plan an in-home celebration on New Year's Eve.  To make it extra-festive, we are doing a Murder Mystery-style dinner afterward.  We thought both our families would get a kick out of this, not to mention they have a flair for the dramatics.  :)

So, the theme is "Old Hollywood" and the murder mystery game is set in the 1940's.  I have my dress, which is a vintage-style, very dramatic, ivory gown (I know, I know, I said no ivory.  But seriously, I just fell in love with this damn thing). The invitations instruct all guests to wear appropriate "Old Hollywood glamour" attire.  I now need ideas on decorations, etc.  Nothing too fancy.  Mostly, this is just a family gathering with a wedding cermony attached.  But, I do want to make it fun and festive.  Any ideas out there?

Good News!!!

Ok, stellar news today  :)  The Provera worked and I don't have to have another D&C!!!!!  Yippeeee  :)

The vaginal ultrasound showed much improvement as to the thickness of my uterine walls.  Dr. X said they looked "really good."  This is the first time those two words have come out of a doctor's mouth referring to anything having to do with my fertility!

So, the next and last step before proceeding with fertility meds is a dye test in my tubes.  Not that Dr. X anticipates a problem per se with my tubes; but he wants to rule that out as an additional source of trouble.  So, assuming that the tube test comes out ok, we could be actively trying to get pregnant by the new year.  :)  :)

Thanks for all the prayers and good thoughts you have all sent my way!!!!!  xoxo

Judgment Day...

The day is finally here.   We haven't seen Dr.X since September, and this afternoon we will learn whether our efforts over the past couple of months have paid off. 

"If pleasures are greatest in anticipation, just remember that this is also true of trouble." Elbert Hubbard

As you know, I have finished two 7-day long rounds of Provera.  During my last vaginal ultrasound, Dr. X stated that the walls of my uterus were still too thick to allow proper implantation.  The thickness of my uterine walls is actually a buildup of gross stuff I won't even mention here, but suffice is to say the culprit is my hormonal imbalance/PCOS.  Two years ago and prior to being treated by Dr. X, I had to have a surgical procedure (D&C) to remedy this condition.  However, Dr. X wants to avoid another surgical procedure because this could cause scarring, adding to my already overwhelming fertility challenges.  So, the oral meds "Provera" were meant as a substitute for the procedure. Today, we see whether the two-rounds of Provera cleaned me out well enough, or whether another surgery is imminent.

I'm extremely nervous going back in there.  First, I am so scared that we will have to do another D&C.  Although I felt like the first round of provera did its job, I'm really not so sure about the second.  Also, I'm just so nervous to face Dr. X.  Last time we were there, he gave us some 'homework.'  One of  my assignments was to try and shape up/shed some pounds.  The complete opposite has occurred.  I have gained weight since we were last in.  I'm so frustrated with myself!  Tom & I were talking the other day, and I actually think I eat to overcome my anxiety.  I'm certainly not depressed, being that I'm happier than I have ever been.  But, I have extremely high anxiety these days.  It's not all due to fertility/infertility issues, although much of it can be traced back to that.  It is also the stress of owning my own business, worrying about finances/bills, and all the other things that we everyday people have to deal with.  Anytime I find myself worried/anxious, I am reaching for something to eat.  That is if I'm hungry or not!  Urggg!  It annoys me so much.

I am beginning a "boot camp" next week and hopefully that will help me shed some of these pounds.  But, how to deal with the anxiety?  Any ideas?

Say cheese!

If you know me, then you must also know my sister.  We are two halves of one whole.  We are opposites in many ways, though our differences tend to compliment each other.  Whatever skills/attributes I lack, she has in abundance, and visa versa.  We have battled and fought in the past like most sisters; But we always come back to one another.  When it comes down to it, she can't lose me.  And I know, for certain, that I can't lose her.   

She came to town in mid-October shortly after Tom and I announced our engagement.  As a quasi-engagement gift, she took some photos of us when she was here.  This may not sound like much, but let me assure you this was an extremely precious gift.  First of all, she is AMAZINGLY talented.  It is not everyday that one gets the opportunity to be photographed by someone like her.  Second of all, she was booked solid with paying clients during her stay.  For her to donate the time and energy to take these photos of us was such an honor.  Finally, the photographs will always be treasured by us not only because they symbolize our love, but also because we had an absolute blast taking them!!!  Having someone that I love and trust take these photos meant more to me than anything.  So are some of the best!!!!

I think this is my fav  :)

He always kisses my forehead.  I find it so endearing.

This was taken outside mom's house.  She just finished building an outdoor oasis which includes a fireplace, plenty of cozy furniture, and soon to come a hot tub.  She has dreamed all her life of having something like this, but has always spent any extra money she had on my sister and me.  This picture is special to me because it is proof that both of our dreams have come true.

Handsome devil.  I love his look here.

Hope you enjoyed them!!!!  xoxo

Home is really where the heart is...

Back home and back to reality!  The girls and I had a WONDERFUL getaway.  We relaxed, laughed, and most of all talked.  I return feeling like all of our friendships have been strengthened and renewed.  I am so thankful for my girlfriends.

That being said, today was a bitter-sweet homecoming.   My doggies, bed, and things are here, but my heart is elsewhere.  Tom and his son are visiting his family in Oklahoma.  They won't return until tomorrow.  I am sitting here under a cozy blanket, writing my blog, watching the dogs fight over a toy, and the only thing I can think is this:  This house, nor any place, will ever be home again for me without him.  The first time he held me, I knew it.  I was instantly overcome with serenity.  I felt protected and free at the same time.  I felt like I had finally found my place in this world, like I finally found home.  And I thank God to have been given this gift everyday of my life.

On the pregnancy front, it is time for me to go back to the fertility specialist for another uterine ultrasound.  This one determines if I will have to go through another sugery before beginning fertility meds.  It's obvious what we are hoping for.  I know I have to be patient, but I so desperately want to get going.  In the last few weeks, I have found out about a few friends who are expecting.  I am so excited and happy for these girls.  Especially a couple who I know have overcome their own fertility struggles.  I can't imagine the joy they are feeling, and I want to extend my love and best wishes to them.  All of these women will be or already are amazing mothers.

That being said, I will admit hearing about these blessed women makes me a little bit sad.   I hate to say it, and I'm embarassed to admit it.  I hate that tiny pain that starts in the pit of my stomach everytime I hear this wonderful news from one of my friends.  I ask myself, "What kind of horrible, hateful person could feel this way hearing such joyous news from a friend?"  I really try to keep the feeling at bay, but no matter what I do, jealousy and envy rear their ugly little heads.

Why would I admit such a terrible thing?  Because this blog is meant to be truthful.  This blog is meant to help others going through the same thing.  And what good would this blog be if I left out all the less-than-flattering thoughts and feelings that accompany infertility?   

I really am happy for my friends.  I wish them all the best and hope they enjoy happy and worry free pregnancies.  I'm just also kind-of sad for myself.  No biggie in the long run.

It's Girl Time!!

So excited!!!  "The girls" are leaving our guys at home and taking a ladies' weekend to the Smoky Mountains.  Watch out Maggie.

I am lucky enough to have a handful of besties that have stuck by me through thick and thin.  I'm talking pre pre-school.  We have loved, argued, and made-up with each other countless times.   These girls have been my constant companions since I can't even remember.  Our friendship has seen countless others come and go.  From boyfriends to husbands, weddings to divorces, and motherhood to infertility, we have shared it all. 

We generally try to meet up for dinner once every couple of months to catch up and soak each other in.  What a wonderful blessing to have friends who know your entire history, and love you anyway.  As far as girlfriends go, these three come second only to my beloved sister and mother.

So...Lori, Allison, Ashton, and I are off to lock ourselves up in a Smoky Mountain cabin for the entire weekend.  No boys, no children, little responsiblity.  But we are armed with plenty of wine, plenty of snacks, and plenty of love.  :)  See you later!

Happy Birthday Jalynn Kaye!

We may have not yet been successful in making our own little bundle of joy, but that does not mean I am without beautiful children in my life.

Tom's son Bradley, not much of a 'child' really, is 17 and absolutely wonderful.  He is wildly intelligent and inherited his Dad's wit and charm. 

But even before Bradley, I became Godmother and thus surrogate mom to one of the sweetest little girls in the world.  Jalynn Kaye Martin is four years old today.  It seems like just yesterday that her mother and my best friend Lori, me, Linda, and my Mom sat in Baptist East all night waiting for her to arrive.  I had court the next day, so I took my suit to the hospital with me at midnight October 31st, 2006.  I changed at the hospital and went to make my court appearances the next morning.  Unfortunately, the little bugger finally decided to grace us with her presence 15 minutes before I made it back to the hospital.  Now, she is the light of all of our lives.  She is frighteningly in tune, smart, and funny.  She makes everybody smile.  Happy birthday to my beautiful Goddaughter Jalynn, aka Strawberry Shortcake!!!  Mandos loves you!

Glass houses and stones

I ran across the following quote today and it got me thinking:

"When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them." Marilyn Monroe

I admit it, I'm guilty of it.  In fact, I know no one who has not, at one time or another, delighted in the latest juicy piece of gossip.  But in my case, and I would assume most others, I hear it and forget about it completely within seconds.  I really don't have the time, or inclination, to worry with other people's lives.  I have enough to worry about in mine!


It seems harmless.  And, for the most part, I think most gossip is.  On the other hand, there is that rare person who absolutely delights in the misfortunes of others. The one who is so unhappy that the only way he/she feels better is to try and tear others down.  I have had the great misfortune of knowing a few of these people in my lifetime.  Lately, I have been personally targeted by two in particular.  And the obsessiveness of their attempts at destroying me is mind-boggling. 


At first, this coordinated effort to destroy me really bothered me.  I remember feeling so sorry for myself.  The sadness eventually turned to anger.  I'm happy to say that a year and a half later I am over it.  I really could care-less about their poorly executed plan of destruction.  Luckily for me, their repetitive abusive behavior has completely ruined any credibility they once had with their peers (which wasn't much).  There is an old saying about throwing stones and glass houses.  The thing about living in a glass house is that not only is it suceptible to breaking, but it is also completely transparent.  These two hypocritical fools have become a joke to everyone who knows them.


The bottom line is that no one knows what has happened in my life except me.  I know the decisions I have made and the basis for those decisions.  There is one other person that knows some of my story, but he is not either one of these two offenders.  I have made mistakes, and I am certain I will continue to make mistakes in this lifetime.  I have paid for them.  More importantly, however, I have learned from them.  But I have also made really good decisions, ones that have greatly improved my quality of life.  Ones that I'm proud I had the courage to make.  Either way, though, it is time to move on.  I've moved on.  He's moved on.  So, why can't they? 

I suppose they have nothing better to do than harass and stalk me.  I assume that they with each failed attempt at hurting me their obsession and anger just grows and grows.  Ultimately though, I think that they haven't moved on because they have nothing to move on to.  They are miserable, delusional, hypocrites.

Well, they can just continue to make fools of themselves.  And I will continue looking forward to a life full of happiness and hopefully a large and loving family of my own.  I can't think of a better stone than that.

Progesterone X2

So I started my second round...

And... it's not as bad this time (yet)!  I'm hoping this is a really good sign that I'm on my third day and no bleeding yet.  Last time I don't think the dang pill even dissolved before that happened!  I am cramping and had a massive headache at the end of today.  But I'm a tough girl and can handle that!  I just dread the bleeding.

Tom and I are attempting to plan our wedding.  It is going to be a small ceremony with family/almost family only.  And, Lord knows, I will not be wearing white!  I told my mom today I'm not wearing white or ivory and I'm not sending formal invitations (as opposed to cute informal ones).  It's just tacky for a second wedding (sorry if you did it, just personal opinion).  But we are thinking seriously about New Year's Eve this year.  We have found a bed and breakfast in Bardstown that will rent the entire house to us for New Year's!  I really can't think of a better way to ring in the new year!  And I really can't wait to be this man's wife!

Sweet Life

Tom continues to surprise me.  He is a police officer/former Army man who loves anything outdoors, guns, and his country.  Knowing this, one would probably assume he is a beer and pizza kind of guy.  When in actuality, he appreciates fine red wine and exotic cuisine (not that he doesn't love him some pizza too :)).  If he had his way, we would eat only organic and shop only at the Fresh Market.  He loves love stories and I swear tears up at happy endings.

  Another surprising detail to his personality is his choice in music.  I would have guessed upon meeting him that he was a classic rock/hard rock kind of guy.  Nope.  Play a cheesy 70's love song and watch him light up.  I poke fun at his music all the time, although the truth is that I think it is adorable.  Today, he gave me the sweetest compliment.  He told me that he listens to "Sweet Life" by Paul Davis on youtube and thinks of our life together.  He said he can't wait to play it for our children.  If you aren't familiar with the song, you can listen by going here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZR1YPRim_Y

For the rest of you, I have pasted the lyrics below.  After reading, tell me, How could I not fall completely in love with this man?

She's got your eyes, she's got my nose
And I get high just watching her grow
We always dreamed we'd live in a castle
Oh, but we're in the same old shack
Sometimes we get into a hassle
But we always take each other back
This old world seems to be in a hurry
But darlin' we'll just keep on takin' our time

'Cause we're livin' such a sweet life
Oh what a neat life
Sharin' my love with you
We're livin' such a sweet life
Oh what a neat life
Makin' our dreams come true
We're makin' our dreams come true

You are my love, you are my life
And I get high just holding you tight
We always dreamed we'd make a lot of money
I don't mind being poor
'Cause when you make love to me, honey
I couldn't ask for any more
All our friends seem to be in a hurry
But darlin' we'll just keep on takin' our time

'Cause we're livin' such a sweet life
Oh what a neat life
Sharin' my love with you
We're livin' such a sweet life
Oh what a neat life
Makin' our dreams come true
We're makin' our dreams come true

Crossing Over with Walletta

Hey all!  I apologize for being MIA lately but we have been super busy.  Tom's father & stepmother were in town and staying with us.  My sister and Ben are also here staying down the street with mom & Dave.  Laura is here for another week (yay) but Ben left us on Sunday (boo).  It has been SO wonderful spending time with our nearest and dearest.

We had an impromptu "family day" on Saturday and headed for Bardstown, Kentucky.  Our first stop was a super-cozy winery/bed and breakfast where we partook in some tasting.  The wine was tasty, but I must say the best part was the company.  Afterwards we made a pit stop at Keanes Depot, a store that specializes in peddling firearms, cold beer, and country ham.  Tom considers it heaven on earth.  To our delight, we also stumbled upon a street arts-and-crafts festival in the middle of downtown.  We meandered around the beautiful little town shopping the booths while we awaited the main event...A SPIRITUAL TOUR OF WICKLAND WITH A MEDIUM!!! 

Wickland is a beautiful old home not far from "My Old Kentucky Home." (and pictured by my blackberry above).  It was built in the early 1830's, and once encompassed hundreds of acres of the rolling hills of Bardstown.  The architecture is amazing, but the story behind this great home is even more impressive.  It is known as the home of "Three Governors."  One of its previous owners had the distinction of being the wife, sister, and mother of a Governor. 

About 10 years ago, I stumbled upon this beautiful home on another trip to Bardstown.  Thinking it was abandoned, I was poking around outside when the front door creaked open.  A short, gray-haired lady met my gaze from the grand entry hall.  I stood there not knowing what to say.  Was she going to call the police?  Did she think I was a crazy criminal?  Or, was she going to put me in a cellar and use me in human sacrifices?  There were sooooo many ways this could go.  When she spoke, however, my fear went away completely.  She extended her hand and offered to tour me around her home.  I followed her inside and listened as she spoke of the home's history and told me stories of her time at Wickland.  She was the wife of a local physician, and had lived in the home since the 40's.  It was absolutely intriguing.  I will never forget that sweet old lady and the time she allowed me into her world.  Fast-forward to Saturday.  I was perusing the Internet for things to do when I found the advertisement for a Spiritual Tour of Wickland.  I was exstatic.  My sister, who had been begging to go to a haunted house since she arrived last week, was immediately on board  :)

We proceeded to the fabled home expecting an old gray haired mystical lady to greet us wearing long black robes and pentagram necklaces.  To our surprise, the medium /tour guide ended up being plural (mediums), twin girls, age 20, who looked more like Teen Vogue models than see-ers of the dead.  However they looked, these two were the real deal.  It was so interesting.  During the tour, we connected with two spirits, both slaves from the 1830's, Walletta and Antwan.  I swear, the things that happened were absolutely not possible absent spirit intervention.  I won't go into detail, but I will say that the whole thing made believers out of a couple of hard-core skeptics in the group.

I have always believed in life after death.  I don't know how you can be Christian and not believe that life goes on.  So, is it that hard to believe that there are a select group of people on this earth that can connect with the afterworld?  A small group of individuals that have heightened senses and can communicate with those who have passed on?  I don't think so. 

That being said, I have visited quite a few "mediums" over the years.  Some were full of crap.  But a couple simply COULD NOT have known the things that were coming out of their mouths without the assistance of one of my family members (dead or alive).  Since they had no access to the ones who were still alive, I am only left with the unshakable opinion that they had a window into the afterworld.  One such medium told me that my Papaw stays constantly by my side and acts as my guardian angel.  I can't tell you how much this warmed my heart.  His death was extremely difficult on me.  And I had felt his presence before, but had always feared that those feelings were mere wishful thinking.  This information not only validated my personal experiences, but made me feel protected and peaceful.  My sister has since been told the same thing about our Mamaw.  Laura was unmistakingly Mamaw's favorite grandchild.  After her passing, a medium made it clear that Mamaw is with Laura all the time.  I know she felt the same feeling of relief and joy.

Anyway, back to the point.  After our tour of Wickland on Saturday night, and after the crowd departed, I asked one of the mediums to accompany me back to the kitchen where we had connected with the spirit of Walletta.  You see, we were using dousing rods which spirits are thought to manipulate in answers to questions.  I did not get to hold the rods while we were talking with Walletta, although Antwan answered many of my questions and even hugged me with the rods.  :)  Our medium, Katie, told us during the tour that Walletta 'knew' things.  That she could answer questions about our future.  The medium didn't know why Walletta seemed to know the future, but said to her knowledge Walletta's answers all proved to be correct.

So after hours, standing in the kitchen of Wickland with only Katie, Tom, and my sister, I asked Walletta the only question I wanted an answer for.  I asked Walletta whether we would ever be blessed with children.  I said it outloud, voice cracking and eyes tearing up before finishing my question. I watched as the dousing rods began to move.  I felt an unseen force push them from one position to another, where they rested crossed in front of me in the shape of an "X".  This was Walletta's signal for "yes."  I cried. 

Maybe I'm crazy for believing.  Maybe this 20 year old Abercrombie and Fitch model was merely a cleverly disguised con artist.  Maybe the nearly 200 year old home was wired to move the dousing rods back and forth.  I guess no one ever can say for sure.  But, I can tell you as sure as I am alive that I didn't move the rods.  And, I can tell you that whatever other people think, I believe my new, but old friend, Walletta.

Happy Halloween to everyone (and yes, the above-statements are true and not merely for entertainment purposes)!  When you are putting John or Jane into those cute little Halloween costumes, please remember how wonderfully blessed you are.  There are people out there (me) that would do anything to have someone to dress up other than myself.  I guess I will just spend another Halloween in my witch costume (which is fabulous, by the way) waiting for the day that I can be accompanied by a little pumpkin or goblin.  :)

Shiver me timbers!

So, I have slept AMAZINGLY better in the last couple days.  On Saturday, I missed a date with a wonderful old friend because I passed out after the 5K.  And I mean passed out!  I came back to the house to "lay down" for a couple minutes and woke up hours later.  Much to my dismay, I had missed a planned lunch date with a dear friend from college.  So sorry Shannon (aka Holby)!  I could have kicked myself!!!!  Since then, I have slept pretty much through the night (well, as much as much as I can).  AND, no more nausea!!!  I'm so thankful!

Anyway, I have been done with my first round of Provera since Friday.  So, I can't help but think my miraculous healing has something to do with being done with those evil pills.  Make no mistake people, the Devil is alive and well and he goes by the name "Provera."

I likely have one more round of Provera before going back for a second pelvic ultrasound.  At that point, Dr. X will take a look and tell me whether I have to do another surgery.  Your prayers that I do not have to go through that again would be much appreciated.

I'm still trying to wrap my brain, and wallet, around the realization that we have to do injectible fertility drugs and artifiicial insemination.  I remember watching cheesy early 90's movies (Forget Paris anyone?) dealing with artificial insemination.  It seemed so strange, so foreign, and most certainly something I would NEVER have to deal with.  And yet, here I am.  It's still very weird.  Kind-of surreal.

Tom and I were talking about the cutness that is our neighbor's children a little while ago.  They have two children, a boy and a girl, ages 5 and 4 respectively.  They are dolls.  I mean dolls!  On Easter, Tom and I stood in the back windows watching them play in the backyard.  The little boy had his big Pirates-in-the-Carribean pirate hat on carrying a large sword (of course, fake).  The little girl was wearing a cute little dress, feathery/girly pirate hat, and wielding her own little sword.  She was going after her big brother with a fierceness that made me proud to be female. 

Tom is into jeeping.  He has several pirate themed bumper stickers and memorabilia.  One of these items was a black flag with a white skull & bones.  The very next day after watching the Easter pirate-themed performance, Tom told me he was taking his pirate flag over for the neighboor children to hang in their treehouse.  He decided this on his own, and promptly took it over and gave it as a gift for the kids.  It now hangs proudly outside the tree house their father built earlier this year. 

  I'll never forget how proud I was the day he walked that silly flag next door and gave it to our neighbors.  It made thier day.  They thought it was soooooooo cool.  And I was, without a doubt, impressed. 

This was the moment I knew FOR CERTAIN that Tom would be the father of my children (if possible).  At the very least, this was the moment I knew I had found my life partner. 

Stuck in Purgatory

My insomnia comes and goes, intensifying and waning depending upon my stress and overall health.  This week has been worse than usual.

I equate insomnia with purgatory.  You're never really asleep, and you're never really awake. It's the in between.  You zombie-walk through your days thinking of nothing but the moment when your head can hit the pillow again.  And alas!  The minute you lay down, your brain finally wakes up and starts working frantically as if to try and catch up.  Your body says NO I"M TIRED, but your brain doesn't listen.  So, there you are.  Your body & your mind are on totally different schedules.  And like always, when it's brains against brawn, brains wins. 

This week has been extremely bad insomnia-wise.  I initially fall asleep (aided by my good friend Ambien), only to wake two to three hours later with NO CHANCE of going back.  Aside from my obvious susceptibility to insomnia, the Provera pills aren't helping matters.  The following are listed as side-effects:   "breast tenderness, breast milk secretion, breakthrough bleeding or spotting (minor vaginal bleeding), irregular periods, absence of menstrual periods, vaginal secretions, headache, nervousness, dizziness, depression, insomnia, sleepiness, fatigue, premenstrual syndrome-like symptoms, thrombophlebitis (inflammation cause by blood clots), itching, hives, skin rash, acne, hair loss, hair growth, abdominal discomfort, nausea, bloating, fever, increase in weight, swelling, changes in vision and sensitivity to contact lenses."  Absent the milk secretion (yuck) and hair loss, I can honestly say I have experienced every single one of these side-effects.

Regardless of the discomfort and inconvenience, I am absolutely committed to doing this.  I want so badly to be a mother, and I want Tom to be the father of my children.  But aside from the purgatory of insomnia, I also feel like I'm stuck in some kind of screwed up fertility-purgatory.  I'm not fertile, obviously,  But I'm not a hopeless case either ~ Doctors believe I will eventually be able to conceive.  Like all those stuck in limbo, I mostly want to know how long I have to stay here.  I  believe this would be so much easier if I could just know how long it was going to last.  Like if someone could say, "Yes, you are going to go through this hell for _____ months, but if you are really good, you will then be released."  Problem is no one can tell me that.  Not Tom, not my mom or sister, and not the Doctor.  I could be stuck here indefinitely.  And, it's the waiting that makes it all the more tragic and difficult.

There is nothing that can be done.  I just keep trying to remind myself of the possibilities.  But, at 3:00 a.m. for the third night in a row, the hours just get harder and harder to pass with a positive attitude.

So, to you Catholics out there, any tips for getting myself out of Purgatory?  Or to the countless others who have shared their incredible fertility treatment journeys with me since starting this blog, do you have any advice on how to get through?  How to get through without driving myself completely insane first, that is?

The Blame Game

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. "  George Bernard Shaw

For me, this past year has been one full of change, exploration, healing, redemption, and discovery.  For too many years, I reagarded my unhapiness and disappointment as  the unavoidable consequences of everyday life.  I assumed that these feelings were normal.  I tried to act as if it were ok.  But, the thing about acting is that  you can't go on forever living in someone else's idea of contentment.  The longer it goes, the more you lose sight of yourself and the harder it is to find you.

I remember looking at myself in the mirror or listening to myself speak and thinking, "Who are you?  Where did I go?"  And I can't describe the lonliness that comes with losing sight of yourself completely.  It is all-consuming and devastating.  I was desperate for a change.  I was desperate to feel alive again. 

I don't know exactly when I finally realized that I could no longer blame others or my circumstances for my lot in life.  It was my life.  My life to live, or to change for that matter.  "A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life."   (James Allen)
I don't know what other people do to get themselves back.  And I don't remember the exact moment that I realized big decisions and big changes would be required.   But I could no longer blame others for my unhappiness.  It was my life to live, or not to live, for that matter.  And so, it was also my life to change.

I don't presume that the path I chose was entirely right or entirely wrong.  I hurt and disappointed loved ones along the way.  I even lost people and things that had once meant everything to me.  These negative consequences were largely consequences of my own cowardice and attempts at self-protection.  I suppose these are the unintended but unavoidable consequences of seeking a different life.  You can't change your life without changing the scenery.  But, I still struggle to come to peace with the losses and the broken hearts.

That being said, the positive effects on my everyday life have more than outweighed the negative.  The strain on friendships/family relationships actually led to deeper and more meaningful/honest connections.  There is a new level of understanding and honesty between my immediate family and I which is irreplaceable.  It is now clear the friendships and other things which I lost in the interim had actually run their course.  I harbor no hard feelings, it simply was time for each of us to move on.  Most importantly, I am living the life I want.  I am in a relationship which inspires and renews me.  I see and hear me again.  I'm back. 

Please understand, I mean in no way to comment on or discuss the details of my previous relationship.  Suffice it to say that one of the consequences of my life change was a divorce from someone I cared, and continue to care about, immensely.  Divorces are devastating and heartbreaking on both parties.  No matter how unhappy and unfulfilling the marriage, the decision to leave your partner is quite possibly one of the hardest in life to make.  It is frightening and difficult to cut that last string holding you and another person together.

And, there is always a villian.  In my story, I was quite obviouslly crowed the villian.  Some of this very public determination was warranted. I made mistakes and contributed my share to the breakdown of the marriage.  "A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday."  (Alexander Pope)  But, as many labels are, this one-diminsional attempt at an explanation is also extremely unfair and superficial.  The breakdown of a fourteen-year relationship is so much more complicated, there is so much more to consider, it's not just black and white.   But I will gladly accept this designation in the hopes of finding true happiness in the future.  Happiness that takes no stock of my imputed "villianous" persona.  Luckily, I believe I have already found it.

I have been asked whether the upheavil was worth it.  Whether, if I were taken back in time, would I make the same decisions and demand the same changes.  My answer is resoundingly yes.  Because had I not acted to change my life and create happiness where there was none, I would have no one to blame but myself.

This quest for a child is also an extension of my original "seek happiness" plan.  Again, I waited too long to act.  And again, if I just sat back and let the opprotunity to seek a family pass me by now, I would have no one to blame but myself.

Urg!

**If you want to skip the dirty details, you can fast-forward to the bottom of the page for a concise summary of this post*

Today I took my last of the 7 provera pills.  Let me just say this:  I hate them.

Aside from cramping, excessive bleeding, and overall bitchiness, I am experiencing major nausea.  I just stopped off at Hardee's and got a milk shake in hopes that this would help the situation.  Of course, the literature also discusses hyper weight-gain as a side effect of the drug, so this is just awesome.

I'm just really annoyed.  Actually, I feel plain angry.  I'm angry that I have to take this stupid medicine.  I'm angry that the only alternative to me taking this medication is another sugery.  I'm angry that none of this ever seems to get better.

Aside from the joy of provera and its effects, my clumsy ass fell on Monday and I planted my face in the concrete.  I look like I have been beaten.  I have cuts and scrapes on my face, elbows, hands, and knees.  My top lip is busted open from where my tooth hit it.  And my neck hurts almost like I have whiplash or something. 

In a nutshell, so far, this week really sucks.

No lumps of coal please

We are back from our 10-day long siesta.  My God, I love vacation.  I think I was actually meant to be born in the lap of luxury.  There must have been a big mix-up in the reincarnation line circa January 1979.  Because of it, there is some Paris Hilton-like debutante running around living my fabulous carefree life.  And I'm living her nine-to-five existence.  Ugh.

Anyway, I have a little case of the back-from-vacation blues...  This morning when the alarm went off, I found myself saying, "Really!" and cursing the thing.  But, alas, there are bills to pay.  So, I  begrudingly got up and got to work. 

This weekend I am looking forward to celebrating my birthday and my engagement with some good friends.  Tomorrow night, Tom & I are off to Ashton & Kyle's house for a little celebration.  VIP expected:: Allison & Scott and Lori & Allen.  Just the thing to get rid of these post-vacation blues.

So, on to Project Baby.  First, I had a mini-meltdown in Florida over (of all things) ANTIBIOTICS!  Seriously, I cried for 30 minutes because Tom & my sister kept insisting that I call my doctor and get a prescription for antibiotics.  I don't know what, but something in South Florida makes my allergies go NUTS.  Everytime I go visit my sister I get a horrible allergy attack, which inevetibly turns into a sinus infection.  On Monday, I was so sick that Tom & Laura decided I needed medication and that I couldn't fight it on my own.  Well, while they were discussing who to call to the prescription, etc, all I could think was "Ohhhhh noooooo.  Not Antibiotics.  I have been taking three birth control pills a day, pumping hormones through my body at an alarming rate, so that I could stop bleeding.  I'm finally stopped and ready for the other tests and now I'm going to take Antibiotics?  Everyone knows antibiotics interfere with the birth control pill.  Taking this thing will make me start bleeding again!!!!"  I know it sounds trivial to others, but the prospect of bleeding AGAIN prior to when it has been scheduled /planned puts me in grave risk having a panic attack.  For 10 years, I dealt with bleeding off schedule, on schedule, throw out the schedule it's useless anyway, and finally bleeding for the rest of enternity.  So, the issue is very important to me.

Does anyone else going through this do these types of things?  Freak out over the least little thing and have people (who don't have fertility issues) look at you like you are crazy?  Well, that's what it was like.  Laura & Tom were like, "It's just an antibiotic.  Listen to you, you need it."  And I'm screaming crying saying, "I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THE DAMN THING.  IT WILL MAKE ME BLEED.  IT WILL THROW US OFF OUR PLAN.  I'MMMMM NOOOT TAKING IT!  I ran to Laura's guest bedroom and draped myself over the bed (Scarlett O'Hara style) and threw my head into the pillow to cry.  And I laid there and cried.  Real tears.  Until Tom came in.  He is so good with me.  He is so good at bringing me back to reality using words that speak to me.  He logically explains that they just wanted me well, that the nature of my sickness is going to require medication to get me well, and that none of the fertility treatments will be worth anything if I'm too sick.  So, altough Project Baby is Number One Priority, sometimes other projects come up which MUST be taken care of to protect Project Baby.  In Short - I have to get myself well to have any chance of conceiving.  I have to be healthy.  As usual, he brought me out of my own misery using logical arguments big-picture talk.  He knows me so well.  I got off that bed, apologized to my sister & Tom, and called the doctor.  I started antibiotics that night.

In addition to the antibiotics, I began my 7 day regiment on MedroxyProgesteronne, Generic for Provera today.  In women who are not pregnant and not going through menopause, this medication is used to treat abnormal bleeding from the uterus and to restore normal menstrual periods in women who have stopped having them for several months (amenorrhea).  I am to take these along with my birthcontrol pill for seven days.  After that I am to stop taking either.  At this time, I should begin to bleed.  Heavily.  Really Heavily.  Once that bleeding starts to wane I will begin the birthcontrol again & we will do the same thing next month.   I'm totally excited about this hemmoraging thing that will be happening soon.  (sarcassm)

Aside from these issues, we have to figure out how to pay for the treatments.  My crappy insurance doesn't pay.  It will be around $1500 per insemination.  That is alot.  More than our house payment. So, let's hope Sainty Claus has a barren niece and decides to pay for the insemination this year. I've been good!  Well, mostly good...

Just Checking in...

Hello all.  I just wanted to check in with some great news...  We are engaged!

We are still on vacation, staying in Miami Beach with my sister Laura and her husband Ben.  But, to my delight, Tom popped the question in the beautiful blue waters of Georgetown, Grand Cayman!  We are so excited!  I feel so blessed to have found such a supportive and loving partner in him.  No matter what happens in our fertility quest, I hope to always remember how truly lucky I really am.

So, we have a couple more days of relaxation and then back to the grind.  In addition to the 9 to 5, we are also back to the work of getting my reproductive organs in  order.  Last post I updated as to the general plan for Project Baby.  I left out some of the groundwork that must be laid prior to beginning the fertility injections.  Mostly because, well, it sucks.

My first assignment is to take oral medication that will make me bleed heavily.  Yes, I know, seems like we are going backward.  But actually, it makes sense.  Because I don't ovulate naturally, the walls of my uterus are extremely thick.  This makes proper implantation of the egg next to impossible.  In early 2009, I had to have a D&C and hystocopy to thin the walls.  However, Dr. X wants to avoid putting me through another surgery.  The risk of scarring from a D&C is high, and can exaggerate my fertility problems.  So, we are attempting to thin out my walls with oral medication, and hope we can avoid another surgery.  The doctor believes I will have to do at least two rounds of this medication to get my uterine walls sufficiently thinned out for insemination.  I am SO not looking forward to it.  However, I plan to begin the first 7 day regimen this weekend.

We will be back home on Wednesday night and I will be picking back up where I left off.  Surely much more to come!!!

go BIG or go HOME

Tom and I had our second consultation with our fertility specialist today.  We went in for a vaginal ultrasound so Dr. X could take an upclose and personal look at my uterus.  Afterwards, we sat down and had a chat about the most likely effective corse of treatment.

Good news:  My uterus looks "surprisingly better" than he expected.  My ovaries looked fine, and had several cysts in them.  Dr. X says cysts in the ovaries are actually eggs that have never been released.  So good news #1 - I do make eggs.  And plenty of them.  The trick is getting the little suckers to come out and play.  Must be damn comfy in there. 

Also good:  Tom's semen analysis came back and the swimmers are normal.  He has all the swimmers you want to see.  The "A" swimmers that are like olympic athletes and head straight on the goal.  The "B" swimmers that are more your high school swim team type.  Then there's those Cs and Ds.  The "C" swimmers are more akin to a water ballet team.  They meander around haphazardly, but they will usually get there at some point.  Then there are the "D"'s.  Tom jokingly calls these his "Democrat" swimmers.  Apparently, these few just prefer to sit still, wagging their tails, and have no interest in making it to the goal line.  It's very normal to have all kinds, and Tom has a good percentage of A & B swimmers, with only a few of those ballerinas and democrats hanging around  :)

Now for the bad news:  My illness is too severe to treat with oral hormones.  Clomid and the other ovulation inducing oral medications simply won't be enough to trigger my ovulation.  Dr. X says the problem is too sever and has been around for too long.  It's time to bring the big guns out.  Go big, or go home I always say.

It seems our best chance at ovulating will be through injected hormones.  Now, I know my mother is a nurse.  And I shouldn't be such a damn baby about this stuff.  But seriously, I HATE needles.  I faint almost everytime they take blood.  So, needless to say, I'm a little apprehensive.

The plan, when we are ready to give it a go, will require that I be injected daily with fertility medication, monitored closely by Dr. X and his staff for actual ovulation.  Then, when the time is right, they will actually collect Tom's sperm and artificially inseminate it into me.   Sexy, right?

I am happy that we finally have found a doctor who is giving us answers.  A doctor who seems to care and understand what we are going through.  And I'm also happy the he has given us a plan of action that will hopefully allow us to bring a baby into the world.

But, I'm disappointed that the severity of my condition rendered the less invasive and less difficult treatments useless.  I just recently got comfortable enough to wrap my head around taking oral fertility medications.  Now, I have to jump all the way to injections and insemination.  Not to mention that if this doesn't work, the only other option left is InVitro, and I really don't know how I feel about that.

I know this is going to sound trivial.  But I'm sad that we have to miss out on the ''fun' part of making a baby.   The feeling and hope you get everytime you, well, you know.  It would have wonderful to look back on a particular incident and know we were actually creating a wonderful little life.  I'm not sure I'll have the same emotional attachment to paying turkey to the baster in Dr. X's office  :( 

Stupid, trivial concerns big picture wise.  And if in the end, we get to hold one, two, or (God forbid) three precious babies - who really cares?  (Did I forget to mention that the injection carry a significantly higher rate of multiple gestation)

***If anyone is reading this (who knows it may be just me), I would be really interested to hear your personal experiences with injectible hormones & artificial insemination.