Hope may float, but she's a bitch

Despite all I know about my body and it's reproductive limits.  Despite the fact that I am currently on birth control (for regulatory and treatment purposes).  Despite all my common sense.  Hope, the fairy, fought her way up this weekend, so much so that I took an EPT this morning.

I am about four days late.  In normal Amanda world, this is nothing.  But when taking the BC pill, I am traditionally regular.  So, as days came and went this Holiday weekend with no sign of my period, I became increasingly suspicious.  Every minor stomach ache I've had the past couple weeks took on brand new meaning.  The fact that I have been sleeping more than usual went from a sign of exhaustion to something else.  Could it be?  Could this be the answer to my prayers?  Could God be throwing me a curve ball?

And there she was, Hope. I hadn't seen her in a while but she was just as pink cheeked and chipper as ever.  "You never know" she chirped as flew around my head, "It happens all the time!"  The realist in me said, "Yeah, but not to me."  She counters, "Oh!  That's not the way to think.  Stranger things have happened."  And then, she really starts on a roll:  "Wouldn't this be great?!?  What a wonderful Christmas present!  We could plan a special presentation when the family is in town, Oh my Goodness they would be so shocked and excited!!!!  I think I remember seeing a website where we can order a stork..."  Blah Blah Blah. 

Well, she just wouldn't shut up once she started. So, this morning against my better judgment, I made the trip to Walmart to get the test.  Sitting there, waiting for that little line to appear or not to appear, my stomach was in knots.  I felt flushed, excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time.  Then it happened.  No plus ~ just that lonely little minus that I have seen so many times.   Once again, my heart was broken. 

I'm not sure why or how I had myself convinced that it could be positive.  I'm generally a smart and practical girl.  The odds were just too great against it.  It was unreasonable to believe.  And it was reckless.  The thing about allowing myself to travel down that particular fantasy road is that I must suffer the blow when I'm dropped back into reality.  Despite all that I know now, it is just as difficult to see it there again, in purple and white.  That stupid little stick, so smug and all-knowing.  That damn minus sign is like a kick in the gut.

And Hope, I haven't seen her since.  She has disappeared again. I assume she has gone back to her little fantasy world, leaving me here all alone with the stupid stick.  I hope that bitch breaks a wing or something.