Time to make a fresh start

This will be my final post in my fruitless filly blog.

This blog has given me so much cathartic comfort over these past couple of years.  It has been a place for me to let go of my sadness, air my frustration, and share my hopes and dreams for the future.  I am so happy to say that I can now move on from it and focus on life after infertility. 

Yes, technically I am still infertile.  And, the issue is sure to come up again as we try and grow our family in the future.  But, I am no longer "fruitless" thanks to the medical miracle of In Vitro Fertilization.  Lana's birth has forever changed me for the better.  Whatever happens with respect to my ability to conceive in the future, I will always be the proud mother of one beautiful baby girl named Lana James. 

So, in this spirit I move on to document my journey as a new mommy after successfully conquering infertility.  My new blog is located at www.thefruitfullfilly.blogspot.com.  I thank all my loyal Fruitless Filly readers for your love and support, both those official followers and others who stay on the DL.  I invite you to join me over at my new blog!  I have no idea what is in store for us, but I know it is sure to lead to some funny stories!!!

So, goodbye to Fruitless Filly.  Although I am glad to be rid of her, I know my experiences documented herein will make me a more appreciative and loving mommy to my Lana-girl.  <3

xoxo

What NOT to do...

Well, Lana has been here only 10 days and is pretty much ruling the roost around here.  Not so shockingly, she has both of us wrapped completely around her tiny finger.  She is the most beautiful, sweetest, funniest, most perfect baby in the entire world.  Seriously, she is.  ;)

Prior to her arrival, I had grand plans regarding how this would work and intended to follow certain "schedules" in parenting our beautiful baby girl.  Much to my surprise (not really), Lana has already taught me that my plans must take a backseat to hers.

Before she came, I swore I would purposefully create increments of physical distance from day one so as not to foster separation anxiety later when I return to work.  Wonderful idea and very smart in theory, but there is just one problem...I didn't count on the separation anxiety being my own!!!  I am really trying to get better at this, but I swear I have to fight the urge not to snuggle this little girl constantly.  For admittedly selfish reasons, I hate putting her down anywhere.  I want her next to me, snuggled into my chest constantly.  I love feeling her little cheek against my skin and hearing her coo out of sheer delight.  I know how quickly this time will pass.  Before I know it, she won't want to be snuggled next to mommy 24/7.  :(  So, I have made a command decision.  I am just going to do it all wrong.  I'm going to snuggle her constantly and not worry about it.  Yes, there is a risk that I am creating a monster.  There is also a likelihood that I will pay dearly for it when I do return to work.  But I just can't help it.  I waited and dreamed so long about this child.  There was a time I thought this would never happen. So now that she is here, there is no way that I am not soaking up every single second of snuggle time possible.

And as an aside, her father is even worse than I am.  Truth be told most of the time we bicker about who gets to hold her!!!

Anyway, these past 10 days have been nothing short of unbelievable.  They have been the absolute happiest days of my entire life.  Tom is off for a few weeks as well, which has made it even better.  I feel like we are finally on our honeymoon.  We didn't take one after our wedding last year and instead immediately began a round of fertility treatments.  I must say, this 'honeymoon' at home with our baby girl is better than any tropical paradise I can imagine.   
 
Must get back to snuggling my baby girl for now.  Hope all is well with everyone.  I have been a bit preoccupied so I have no idea what is going on.  Oh well  :)

xoxo

Words Fall Short

...in describing these last few days.

On October 12, 2011, my life was forever changed by a 7 lb. 10 ounce miracle named Lana James.

She is everything I wished for and more.  She is perfect in every single way.  She is the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes upon and has surpassed all my wildest dreams.  The touch of her skin or sound of her little voice fills me with so much overwhelming love that it is difficult to breathe (in a really awesome way).  Even now as I look across the hospital room at her napping in the bassinet, I find myself missing her and wanting to hold her.  It is already clear that I am a fool for this little lady and her head full of chestnut brown hair.

Lana's arrival was long awaited and especially emotional for everyone in the room.  The last couple of hours before her birth were intense, frightening at times, and physically/emotionally difficult.  However, they were the most beautiful moments of my entire life.  I will never ever do anything more important and utterly miraculous for the rest of my life.

In the aftermath of giving birth to my daughter, I find myself more in love with my husband than ever before (which I previously thought impossible) and so utterly thankful for him and our love for one another.  I am absolutely in awe of him and the joy he has brought into my life.  I watch him hold and kiss our daughter and see my entire world before me.  It is clear that nothing else matters even half as much as this little family we are building.   

Finally, I find that I am more aware of how blessed I have been to have such a wonderful mother and sister throughout my life.  Now I understand how and why my mother loves me as she does, without condition or expectation.  And I look at both women and see the single biggest influences on who I am today.  I feel so wonderfully blessed to have had them in the room when this beautiful miracle popped out.

There are funny stories to be told and details to be shared, but they can wait.  Right now the only thing I can think of is getting back to the little lady in the corner of the room who is stirring.

Thank you to all who have sent well wishes.  We are so thankful and feel so lucky to be surrounded by such wonderful friends and family.  I promise, I will be in touch soon  xoxoxo

Many more photos to come of this beautiful baby girl!!!



 

Things "they" don't want you to know...

So, here I am, waiting for this miracle child to decide and grace us with her presence any day now.  Growing more anxious by the minute, and feeling as if she may never decide to leave "La hacienda de Amanda."  


After one of my loyal readers called me out yesterday on my lack of posting recently, I decided I did indeed have something to say that may be worth reading.  You see, I had generally stopped posting these last few weeks because my attitude is less than stellar at this point and I'm not sure anyone is interested in hearing me talk about being miserable.  But, I have learned some new information that could prove useful to future preggo's out there wanting to know what to expect.


So, here it is.  A list of little known/scarcely publicized events that occur during these last few weeks of pregnancy.  As always, I intend to be frank and include information that will most likely gross you men out entirely.  Get over it.  After reading, I'm sure you can understand why no one else dares speak of them!!!!


(1)  Soreness rising to the level of pain.  Terrible, awful soreness that makes you feel like you were kicked continuously in your lady parts.  There is a myth that the preggo waddle originates from the extra weight around the middle.  Oh no, ladies, this is not the case.  The waddle is due to the fact that your pelvic area is so sore you can scarcely close your legs.  This endless pain makes it awkward to walk, and downright painful to turn over in bed.  I really have no idea what causes this but have read that it could be due to the spreading of your hips or the position of the baby's head.  Whichever it is, I'm fairly certain that it rivals than when a man is kicked in that area.   Only difference is, with the preggos this pain begins around week 35/35 and does not go away until delivery.


(2)  Leaking.  And I'm not talking about from the breasts, although that can happen too.  I'm talking about constantly leaking something from down there.  I say something because again, I have no idea what it is.  Could be urine, could be amniotic fluid.  Doc said it's probably a little of both.  I have no idea and I'm not sure I even want to know.  All I do know is that you better plan on wearing some kind of maxi pad these last few weeks unless you are ok with walking around wet all day.  It is absolutely disgusting.

(3)  Drooling. I swear, I'm not making this up.  I wake up nightly in a puddle of my own drool.  I had never heard of this associated with pregnancy before.  But thanks to my good friend google, I found out that this is one of those unexpected yet common things that happens late in the game.  Due to the again increasing levels of hormones preparing your body for delivery, something happens to increase the amount of saliva we produce.  This results in a wet pillow at night and dry mouth in the morning.  

(4)  Sleeping can be downright dangerous.  Seriously.  First, there is absolutely no way to be comfortable anymore.  Preggos are only allowed to sleep on the side, and now even that sucks.  Your belly is so big and weighted down with little precious that it sags and pulls to whatever side you lay on.   But, the really dangerous part is if you are like me and change positions unknowingly while still asleep.  These last few weeks I find that I will roll on my back while still asleep, I'm sure trying anything to get comfortable.  However, by the time I am miserable enough to wake in this position, I am close to being smothered by this big cumbersome belly.  And I mean it hurts.

(5)  Swelling...of your NOSE!  Ok, everybody knows that your hands and feet swell during this process.  But, who knew that your damn nose would swell?  I swear to you I am not making this up...my nose has doubled in width in the last month.  Need proof?  

Pregnancy nose:

 


Pre-pregnancy nose (taken last year with my good friend Steph):

All I can say is that my nose BETTER GO BACK TO NORMAL.  Uggg. 


(6)  Family Drama.  Everybody is excited and anxious for baby's arrival.  Of course, the to-be parents, but then the extended family are as well.  This can sometimes result in family drama if one is not careful.  This is the first of many times (I imagine) that well-intentioned family members will second guess or find fault in your decisions regarding your child.  In the end though, none of this is about them.  It's not even us (the parents).  It's about Lana.  So, if you as a new mom want to set boundaries and visiting hours those first few weeks while everyone in the immediate household is adjusting, do it.  No need to apologize for it.  Those who can't understand initially will get over it.  It is not personal, it is a choice to create as serene of an environment as is possible with a newborn baby.  This is sage advice I was given by COUNTLESS friends who learned from experience (sometimes the hard way).  The reason:  there is no benefit to adding more stress or expectation to yourself during these first few weeks.  The only way the baby is going to be happy and healthy is if mom and dad are happy and healthy.  Emotionally and physically.  Do whatever is necessary to ensure that this is the case.  There are so many other things you will not be able to control when she arrives (her schedule, my success at breastfeeding, etc. etc.).  Deciding to put her needs first is the one thing I can, and will.

(7)  End-of-your-Rope Point.  At some time, you will hit it.  No matter how much you wanted this pregnancy or appreciate it, there will be a point in these last few weeks where you "JUST WANT THIS BABY OUT!!!"   It's normal.  It doesn't mean you are ungrateful.  It doesn't make you a bad mom.  Your body is literally working physically to expel this child from itself for a reason.  He/she has grown mature enough to make it on the outside and has become too big/mature for you to support any longer.  It makes sense that your emotional wants/wishes would go hand-in-hand with your physical wants/wishes.  In other words, it's time for baby to be evicted.  I, for one, gave this child her eviction notice this weekend.  According to KY law, she had 7 days from Sunday to comply.  When I have our last doctor's appointment this afternoon, the Doctor will be informed of this legal requirement and the consequences should she choose not to comply ;)

Yes, the list is scary.  And adds insult to injury with all the other well-known things that happen during pregnancy.  My friend Nikki summed it up when I jokingly commented "Uggg. I'm glad none of you let me know how absolutely miserable these last couple weeks would be. I might have chickened out."  She replied, "It's pregnancy's dirty little secret. No one told me either . . .but after she's hatched, you can give those knowing looks to expecting moms. ;)"

But take heart, because in the end it's all worth it.  I haven't met one mom that thinks otherwise.  

As I stated earlier, today is our last OB appointment.  I think we will be scheduling an induction today since she seems to have decided to ignored my desperate pleas to vacate this week.  For me, it can't come soon enough.  Even more than my physical exhaustion with this pregnancy right now, I am just so ready to meet and kiss the little booger.  I cannot wait.


xoxo


Next time you hear from me I will officially be un-pregnant...and a new mommy  :)

My promise to Lana

I'm sure I will make mistakes as a parent.  The "perfect parent" does not exist.  But there is one mistake I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT MAKE.  Not as long as there is breath left in my body...

Lana will NOT be raised in or around substance abuse of any kind.  She will never feel the hurt and pain caused by addiction of a parent OR a grandparent.  And, she will never feel inferior to something that comes from a bottle, or anything else for that matter.

Children of an addict develop a "disease" of their own.  We have scars that never really heal.  The disease of co-dependency is almost as dysfunctional and destructive as addiction itself.  It causes an unshakable feeling of inferiority and shame in the child's mind which lingers into adulthood.  The child learns to adapt behavior to compensate for another person's abuses.  As we become adults, the children of addiction constantly struggle with the push and pull of a toxic relationship.  It is a terrible, terrible feeling to love someone but have no way to help...No way to stop their self-destruction.  Ultimately, the unsatisfying answer is to establish boundaries in order to self-protect.  But even this causes feelings of guilt and sadness to linger.  The worry and doubts never cease.  We are never really free from the emotional control of the addict. 

I suffer from this collateral disease of co-dependency, as does my sister.  We have worked very hard to treat our disease and establish/maintain healthy boundaries.  But it is an endless struggle to accept and feel peace. 

And through no choice of our own, we have missed out on a could-be meaningful relationship because of addiction. But we are not the only ones in my family in this predicament.  Addiction truly is a family disease and tends to span the generations.  It tends to repeat itself over and over.   However, IT STOPS HERE.  Period.  I will not let Lana be further collateral damage to addiction. 

In summary, I may not be able to cure my loved one's disease, but I can certainly protect my daughter from inheriting mine.   

Blueprint for a Happy Life

I often sit and think about the kind of person I would like Lana to become. 

It took me a number of years to learn some of the lessons I have written below.  There are some I still struggle to live by.  But, they are the "rules" that I try to follow in my life and the ones that I think lead to happiness and contentment.  After all is said and done, these two things are worth more than all the money in the world.   

So, here is my blueprint for raising our daughter.  I hope in the midst of all the madness that is sure to come, we never lose sight of the big picture; i.e. Lana's happiness:  

~You only have one life.  Success, achievement, wealth, and comfort are all very nice.  But absolutely nothing will replace true happiness.

~Happiness can only really be found in loving yourself and those around you.

~Love is a risk always worth taking.

~Be kind to others first.  You never know what kind of struggles and battles they are busy fighting in their own lives.

~Be honest with yourself and others. Doing so will save you a heap of trouble AND earn you the respect of others...even those who disagree with you.  

~Accept help when you need it.  This does not make you weak, but actually demonstrates your inner strength.

~Be gentle to and love your fur-babies.  There will be days when your furry friends will be the only ones who can stand to be around you.

~Family is everything.  No matter how crazy, meddling, opinionated, or lovingly dysfunctional, they really do have your best interests at heart. 

~Failure is O.K.  Making mistakes is part of life and how we learn.  It's the part that comes after that matters the most.

~Strive to forgive people.  Forgiveness does not mean you have to like a person or choose to surround yourself with them.  But carrying hatred in your heart takes away from your own inner peace and happiness.

~There will be days when you feel like no one cares.  There will be days when you feel all alone in this world.  It's those days that I want you to read back through this blog.  Remember that you are a miracle and dream come true to me and your father.  And as long as we are here, you will never be alone.


xoxo
   

O M G...

My belly button is popping out.  I'm sure of it. 

Those who know me best know how utterly terrifying this is to me.

It is bulging at all the corners, and I feel like it is only a matter of time.

Please Lord, give me strength.

I must take a second to...

"A good character is the best tombstone.  Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered.  Carve your name on hearts, not on marble."  ~Charles H. Spurgeon
I have always known I have some awesome friends.  But, there are times when I am simply overwhelmed by the selfless and giving nature of those around me.  I have had several of these moments these past few months, and almost all of them involve the chick pictured above.

This girl has gone above and beyond in helping me make this nursery a special place for our little Lana to come home to.  Not just with ideas...No.  I mean she has gotten her hands dirty, literally, as you can see in the picture below:

She has helped me plan, paint, and refinish furniture for Lana's room.  And today, she spent several hours painting the most beautiful hand-painted image on Lana's nursery wall.  She has stepped in to do those things I cannot do, whether due to my condition or lack of creative talent  LOL.  And in doing so she has made this experience SO VERY SPECIAL for me.

I don't know how many hours she has devoted to me, Tom, and Lana in the past few months, but it has definitely been more than we could ever repay her for.  And all this work she has done out of the goodness of her heart.  She is the kind of friend who talks the talk and walks the walk.  She just doesn't offer to help, she insists.  Where most people would argue that they just don't have the time,  Big Al (a nickname referring to her small stature but BIG personality) makes it look easy to be  giving.  Never mind that she has plenty of excuses to give:  her own work, 2 busy toddlers, and a husband with odd and intrusive work hours, any of which would suffice. 

I'm not going to post her beautiful work just yet - I want to wait to post pics of the nursery when it is finally complete.  But, I just couldn't let another day go by without celebrating this awesome woman!  Big Al - I hope you realize just how much I appreciate everything you have done for us.  Your talent in design and decor is unequaled, but more than anything it's the time and attention that I will always remember.  You have made this moody momma feel very special and thankful for our long friendship.  I only hope one day I can return the favor!!!!!!!!   


And by the way, if you are thinking of redecorating your home, I cannot recommend her highly enough!  She is an interior designer with exquisite taste.  She has her own freelance business and can be as involved as you need.  Please contact me for her info if you are interested!!

Meet Daddy

Dear Lana,

Only a few more weeks until you will make your grand entrance into this world!  I feel so lucky to have had this quality time with you.  For the most part, your kicks have been playful and your hiccups really make mommy laugh.  Even when you wake me in the middle of the night, I lay in bed smiling.  In fact, every single moment we have spent together has meant more to mommy than anything in the whole wide world.  And although I am really anxious to hold you in my arms, I know I will miss holding you inside my belly for the rest of my life.

The best thing about being a mommy is getting to spend these first few months with you all by ourselves.  But, there is someone just as excited and important that you should know about before October.  Yep, I think it's just about time you meet your daddy. 

You know my voice?  Well, his is the deeper and slightly more distant voice you hear almost as often.  You may have heard him telling mommy how much he loves her or how much he loves our life together.  He says these things alot because he knows they make mommy feel good.  I'm sure you have also heard him talking to you - telling you how excited he is to meet you and how much he loves you.  Sometimes he gets really close to my belly and whispers your name and gives you a little kiss.

Don't tell your daddy I told you, but he is really a big 'ol softy at heart.  He is big and strong BUT also tears up during sad movies or commercials if he thinks no one is looking.  And when it comes to you, he is already wrapped around your little fingers!  He worries all the time about keeping you safe and happy.  And he can't wait to show you off to the world.  He's always telling me how you are going to be a "daddy's girl" and I don't doubt it at all.  He can be very charming when he wants to be.

Your daddy makes mommy feel special and loved, even when mommy isn't feeling too good about herself.  Now that you are on board, he does thing to spoil "us."  He runs us a bath, lights candles, and turns on soft music to help us relax at night.  And just tonight, he didn't complain when mommy was 'too tired' to make dinner even though he had just worked a 12 hour shift.  Instead, he turned on the grill and treated us to some brats and baked beans.  He even rubs our feet, regardless of the fact they haven't had a pedicure in more than forever.  This, I assure you, is quite impressive.

Anyway, the most important thing for you to know is that your mommy AND daddy love you more than anything in the world.  And just because daddy isn't carrying you around in his belly all day doesn't mean you aren't already in his heart. 

Love and see you soon,

Mommy

P.S. - This letter could be longer, but daddy just called mommy out about having the computer in her lap.  As I said, he is constantly worrying about our safety.  Truth is, mommy thinks it is super cute and sweet  :) 

Pink Elephant

Wow.

A couple days ago I opened my mail and found something I never thought I would see, but have dreamed of for years and years.  

It wasn't a Publisher's Clearing House Check for a million dollars. 
It wasn't a letter from a long lost friend.
And, it wasn't notice from the US Treasury waiving any and all future tax payments from my household (although this would be nice).


What was this miraculous piece of mail you ask?  It was an invitation to a baby shower, FOR ME AND LANA!


Of course, I knew it was coming.  A few of my very good friends have literally been planning and plotting such an event since February.  But, the emotion I felt  standing in the kitchen staring at it is the kind that will only be understood by my fertility-challenged sisters out there.  There is just something about seeing things "in print."  Black and white if you will.  The nature of ink not only makes something real, but also validates a whole lifetime of wants and wishes that at one time seemed SO out of reach.  The feeling was a mixture of shock, gratitude, and relief mixed with overwhelming happiness.


You see, I have personally hosted more baby showers than I can count on two hands.  And for every single one, I took great pains in picking an invitation that would be special and fitting for the lovely mommy-to-be.  One that she could place in her baby book with pride along side baby's first ultrasound and nursery pics.  I loved doing it for my dear friends, but there was a part of me that also felt overwhelmingly jealous.  I would catch myself picking out invitations for a baby shower of my own, with my personal taste and style, only to realize how silly such a notion really was.  As the years had marched on, I silently came to the conclusion that my name would never grace one of these pretty little blue or pink invitations except for on the "hosted by" line.  


As many baby showers as I have hosted, I have received invitations for at least ten more.  Same story.  I'd open it and smile, while pushing back and trying to ignore that all-to-familiar feeling of envy.  Secretly wishing my name was printed on the "honoring" line. 


It is unbelievable to me that I now have my own *pink* invitation to hang on the fridge.  It is truly the most wonderful surprise of a lifetime.


I must say, this little pink invitation came at precisely the right time.  These last few weeks have been more difficult as I have been pretty down because of the blood sugar thing.  In addition, they seem to drag on, therefore giving rise to all kinds of doubts and unpleasant thoughts.  Getting this invitation has reminded me not only what we have to look forward to, but also how VERY FAR we have come.


Thank you to Lori, Linda, Allison, Rena, and Ashton for making this hormonal, swollen, hungry, pregnant girl feel so very special.  I am so excited for this shower, and for the chance to celebrate this miracle with you and so many other loved ones.  <3

Anxiety Central

OK.  T minus 9 weeks and I am starting to get nervous.  Like super nervous.  And neurotic.  And overwhelmed.  And needy.  And demanding.  And impatient.  And any other anxiety producing feeling you can feel.

The nursery is not ready by a long shot.  Not only have we not finished painting the room, but the dresser and armoire have not been completed either.  The bedding is still being made (which is nobody's fault but my own since I haven't gotten all the fabric together yet) and I am still weighing wall decor options.  I wish we had the money to just hire someone and say "Do this" but, alas, we don't.  And doing it yourself just doesn't cut it when yourself can't seem to do much of anything these days.  I am so lucky that one of my besties Allison has helped, because without her I'm quite sure NOTHING would be done!  Aside from all this, we don't have a single bottle or other necessary "baby" item in the house (with the exception of the crib, but it doesn't have a mattress, so I'm not sure what good it will do).  I feel like there is SO MUCH to do and not enough time/energy to do it. 

But, how can I get all this stuff ready when I can hardly bring myself to get out of bed these days?  Tom and Allison can't do everything.  I guess I just didn't really expect to be this tired.  It's a whole new level of exhaustion I was unaware existed.  I am now even more impressed by those women that cruise through their third trimester with seemingly endless energy.  Or with other children running around.  I can't even imagine.  Maybe it's my age, maybe it's the heat, or maybe it's just me: but I am definitely struggling.  Which makes me feel like a big fat failure.

And besides that, I recently got some **absolutely stellar** news (I hope you can sense the sarcasm).  I knew it was too much to ask to make it through this pregnancy with absolutely no medical issues.  As I cruised through the first and second trimesters, I just waited for the other shoe to drop.  And it finally has.   The results from my glucose tests came back and they aren't good.  It looks as if I will likely be diagnosed with gestational diabetes.  Goodbye banana ice cream.  I will miss you until we can be together again.

This latest sugary-speed bump has thrown me for a loop.  Again with the blame.  I am mad at myself and disappointed that I couldn't pass this stupid test...as if I had any control over it whatsoever.  But that is besides the point.  I have been angry with my body because I again feel like a big failure.  I was crappy at getting pregnant, now I am crappy at being pregnant.  I would have just liked something to go smoothly. 

But, at it's core this is just another hormone-related problem.  And not completely shocking since mothers who suffer from PCOS have a higher probability of being diagnosed with gestational diabetes.   Once again I have been blessed with friends who have been supportive and shared their experiences with me.  All who were diagnosed with gestational diabetes got through the pregnancy with no complications and returned back to normal afterward.  I just have to have faith that the same will be true for me.  :)

I know in the end  everything will be fine, what truly needs to get done will, and Lana will make her entrance healthy and happy.  This is all that really matters.  As Tom says, I need to focus on the glass being half full instead of half empty.  But this can be super hard to do when you are exhausted, waddling around town, and hormonal in general...

Between a rock and a hard place

My very first adult pet is a cat named Scarlett.  He/she (he is a boy with a girl name) became my first baby way back in 2001, my first year of law school.  However, for the last 3 years, I have been fighting Mr. Scarlett tooth and nail to get him/her to use the litter box.  This is a fight I consistently lose.

Eventually he/she adopted one of the extra bedrooms as his/her own sanctuary and pee-palace.  Out of sheer exhaustion, I retreated and allowed him/her to do as he/she may in there.  Our retreat to neutral corners ended with the beginning nursery construction in that room.   After ripping up and replacing the carpet, this room has remained closed off from his/her use.  Her litter box (as if he/she bothers to use it) was moved into the common room.  Everything went surprisingly well, for a while...

During the week we were staying with my sister in Florida, Scarlett decided he/she would start using the couch as his/her personal toilet.  We returned from vacation to the overwhelming scent of ammonia and a now-worthless Thomasville sofa.  As you can imagine, momma was NOT happy.  We immediately took Scarlett to the vet to see if we could get some answers.  He/she has been on medication, had a change in diet, and yet none of these things have fixed the problem.  The final straw is that he/she is now urinating in the corner of our bedroom.  I really can't take it anymore.

I have been reluctant to make drastic changes up until now because I love him/her.  No matter how much of a burden he/she has become, he/she was my first baby.  But today, I decided I cannot go on like this.  And I will not bring Lana into this world just so she can sleep and crawl around on cat urine.  So today, Mr. Scarlett was moved outside.  He/she has been moved to the back deck for now, and will ultimately be let out into the yard.

I know how ridiculous it is, but I have been crying ever since.  He/she has NEVER lived outside. Every time I walk past the sliding glass doors he/she is standing there glaring at me.  I know he/she is scared.  I know he/she is confused.  I feel so guilty.  I feel like a cruel, uncaring human being.  I hate this. 

I know there are SUCH bigger problems in the world, but I am truly broken-hearted over this.  And it's not even raining or snowing.  I don't know if I did the right thing.  Does anyone else have any ideas?  I'm willing to try just about anything at this point.

La-Z Bones

I have an admission to make.

As of late, I have been extremely lazy.  Like, off the charts lazy.  I can't seem to muster the strength to do much of anything unless I absolutely have to. Example:  My mom offered to treat me to a pedicure after work last week and I just couldn't bring myself to go.  Seriously, too lazy to get pampered?  Is this normal?

On the weekends, I literally lay around ALL DAY LONG.  I feel so exhausted, the heat is kicking my butt, so I just sit here.  I figure the less I move, the cooler I will stay and less I will swell.  And Project Runway reruns on Lifetime are not helping.  

I tell myself this is temporary and probably normal in the third trimester, but deep down I'm afraid.  I'm afraid I will never have energy again.  I'm afraid I'll never want to get out of this house again.  I'm afraid that once Lana gets here I will suck as a mommy because of this overwhelming exhaustion.  IDK.  The closer I get to my due date, the more afraid I get of everything... Is that normal?  lol

Third Trimester!

I cannot believe I am already in my third trimester.  At the same time, I feel like I have been pregnant forever.  It's all very strange.

We are 2/3 of the way home and thus in approximately 11 weeks, little Lana should be here.  It's hard for me to wrap my brain around it!  I have so many questions!  I'm so scared, yet so excited.  I could literally burst with anticipation! 

• Will she have dark hair like mine, or be a blondie like her daddy...once was, long ago  ;). 
• Will she love me as much as I already love her? 
• Will I get through the birth without completely humiliating myself by (1) Acting like a big baby, or (2) Pooping on myself?  (And yes, fellas, this happens quite frequently I am sad to say)
• Will I cry when I lay eyes on her or simply let out several of my signature cackles from joy?  Or maybe both?!?!
• Is her arrival going to correspond with my sister's extended trip so she can be here for the birth?  I so want her to be here.
• Will my family be ousted from the maternity ward for rowdiness and noise violations?  (If you know my family at all, you will know that this is completely possible)
• Will I be as good at this mommy thing as I SO want to be?
• Will I be able to face the challenges of those first couple weeks without being too hard on myself or my husband?

I am so eager to lay eyes on this little one and begin our life as a family  :)

What I'm loving today

- The feeling of Lana stirring in the late afternoon and evening.  It seems that she is all quiet until I too am quiet, then BAM!!  Even though it still strikes me as super strange, I absolutely love feeling her moving in there. 

- Banana ice cream.  Still.

- The chuckle I get when Tom informs me that he is watching his "stories" on TV.  Hysterical that he calls his shows "stories."

-  Friends who are always there to remind me that I am loved and appreciated, and that the sun will shine tomorrow.  We could all use a pick-me-up at times, and I feel especially blessed for those who are always there to provide one.

- The fact that my growing belly is making my boobs look small for the first time in my life.  LOL

- My mom and her loving, albeit crazy, ways. 

- My furbabies who never miss an opportunity to say "I love you mom" with a tail wag or big sloppy kiss.

Hoping that you too have plenty to love and smile about in your lives!!  xoxo

How 'bout piece of humble pie?

If there is one thing I have learned these past few years, it is the art of admitting struggle.  This is a process that was totally unacceptable to me throughout many years of my life.  I considered it to be a sign of weakness and/or inferiority.  However, I have come to believe that the acknowledgement and acceptance of our own imperfections is one of the most courageous things we can do in life. 

This blog was one method I used to expose the imperfections and struggles in my life, among many others.  These past few years have caused me to realize how absolutely necessary it is to stay open, honest, and authentic in my relationships.  I no longer have the time, or patience, to sweep things under the rug and/or try and save face.  It is clear that no matter how long we ignore problems, they are still there, waiting under the surface to bite you in the butt the first chance they get.

I am in no way saying that admitting our struggles is easy.  I still grapple with my own expectations of what I should be or should have, and fight against my own pride almost every step of the way.  But nothing worth doing comes easy, and this fight is where we learn important life lessons.

I have recently had to come to terms with a shift in my own life, one that I'm sure many others are currently dealing with.  The economy is bad, business is slow, and therefore money is extremely tight.  Pile on the expenses relating to actually achieving this pregnancy as well as the things that need to be done for our precious Lana on the way, and you have a recipe for financial disaster.  It is clear changes need to be made, no matter how hard or humiliating they may be. 

So, things I used to be able to do or spend money on are no longer possibilities at this point in my life.  This means having to cancel or change some plans and alter some expectations.  The long and short of it is - it sucks.  I will not pretend it doesn't bother me.  It does to some extent...

BUT...when I consider what I am getting in return for these sacrifices, they become meaningless and trivial.    Just 8 months ago there was NOTHING I wouldn't do to start a family.  I would have signed away any possession, agreed to any condition, and happily accepted any sacrifice.  Now that I have been granted that wish, it's just time to pay the bill so to speak.  And that is ok.  I can do that, no matter how uncomfortable or humbling it is in the short-term.

My point is this:  For many, many years I lived a life where money/budgets/bills really never entered my day-to-day consciousness.  Not that I was stunningly rich by any means, but I was never forced to sacrifice material things or common luxuries in order to pay the mundane bills.  Regardless, what I remember most from that time was feeling excruciatingly lonely and unhappy.  No amount of material things filled the void I felt in my heart, nor could they satisfy the restlessness I felt to live differently.  When I finally decided to make changes, I knew they would come with a price.  And they have.  Not only financially, but in the form of lost relationships and friendships along the way.  But my life today is SO MUCH happier.  I am so much more content.  I feel at peace, and loved, and protected in a way I never did before.  And this is true no matter how much extra money we have in the bank.

So, if I have to eat my humble pie for a few years while we repay this wonderful dream we are naming 'Lana', so what?  I have a mad craving for sweets anyhow.

Stay safe this Holiday weekend.  Celebrate Independence Day with those you love and be thankful for what really matters most in life.  Just as my dream of Lana had its price, so does Freedom.  So give thanks this weekend not only for the freedom we have in the country, but also for those brave men and women who defend and keep it.

xoxo

What if?

Life is a lovely, frightening, sometimes difficult, always different, and all too short ride.

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking.  Thinking about my life, and Tom's life, and the brand new life of our precious little Lana.  I've been thinking about how we got here to this particular moment in time.  I have been re-thinking my mistakes and the disappointments I and others have had along this journey.  I have been re-examining the years I spent waiting and wishing for the miracle of pregnancy.  And the more I think about it, the more I believe that each of us does have a fate or destiny.

What if Tom's Marine recruiter hadn't been an arrogant asshole...What if Tom hadn't met and married the mother of his son Bradley...What if Bradley had never been conceived and Tom moved back to Oklahoma... What  if Tom had gotten the job at a Sheriff's Dept in Indiana instead of Kentucky...What if I hadn't been engaged prior to deciding what law school to attend...What if I hadn't left the Jefferson County Commonwealth attorney's Office for a position in Shelbyville...What if I had successfully conceived a child in my first marriage...

How would mine and Tom's worlds be different today?

Any one of a thousand little decisions have the ability to greatly impact one's life.  Just one left turn instead of right...and who knows?

As for the infertility part of this thought process, the point is this:  For many years I wondered why.  Why was God so cruel?   Why couldn't I get pregnant?  Did God not want me to be a mother?  Would I be a bad one?  I just didn't understand any of it.

But now, I think it was all meant to be.  It wasn't the right time before. I wasn't the right person nor was I with the right person.  I needed to journey a little further and learn some more life lessons.  I needed to make some changes and accept some hard truths.  

I needed to become me.  And I needed to get here. 

I know, I know.  This is so easy to say now.  Now that I am finally seeing my dream of  becoming a mother come true.  Now that I am finally happy and fulfilled in my marriage in a way I never was before.  But, I can't help it.

I feel like Lana has been waiting for me just as long as I have been waiting for her.  I feel like all these years I have just been traveling the road to get to her and Tom.  

I had to travel the road first.  I had to get from point A to point B.  I feel like that road, along with its bumps and turns and ditches, was what ultimately made the difference.  That road is what will make me a better wife as well as a more thankful and appreciative mommy.

So, for any of you still struggling with what seems like a cruel God out there, take heart.  It can happen - it happened to me!  All those disappointments and heartbreaks can magically turn into blessings.  They can one day serve as reminders for us to take nothing for granted and appreciate every single moment we are given.  And I truly believe we will be better people because of our struggles.

"Sometimes, perhaps, we are allowed to get lost that we may find the right person to ask directions of."  ~Robert Brault

Momma-Pampering Time

I love to be pampered.  I love going to the salon, spa, or just about anywhere where someone's main purpose is to make me feel good.  Unfortunately, these type of trips have been few and far between lately.

In this economy, manicures, pedicures, and hairstyles just haven't stayed at the top of my priority list.  I'm not complaining or feeling sorry for myself...I am no different than 75% of the American public that have made certain sacrifices as of late.  But as a result of these sacrifices, I haven't had my hair cut or professionally colored since before Christmas.

While I have never been obsessed with my physical appearance, I do like to at least feel good about myself.  I've never bought an expensive designer purse in my life; I don't get all crazy about over-priced high heels; And I pick clothes that I like - not only because they happen to be in "style."  But like many pregnant women, I have been feeling really self-conscious lately.  I feel fat, ugly, and generally unappealing. 

I have decided that all maternity clothes must be designed by outdoorsy men since they inevitably make us look like tents.  As a result, I only have a few items that I really feel good about wearing right now.  And the hormones raging through my body have had negative side effects to both my skin and hair.   My skin is breaking out at an alarming rate and my usually shiny hair is looking dull and drab.  Then there is the belly.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE IT DEARLY especially in light of everything it represents.  But paired with my acne-riddled skin and dull hair, I just feel all-together gross. 

No more.  I desperately want to enjoy and feel good about this time in my life.  I have waited too long - and been through waaaaay too much - not to make the most out of this pregnancy!  So tomorrow I am throwing caution (and our budget) to the wind and going to get my hair cut, colored, and highlighted!!  I am so excited I can't see straight  :)

I have a mind to cut all of it off pixie style because it is so stupid hot.  But, one of my preggo mags warns NOT TO make drastic changes to your appearance during this time.  Considering the fact that I cry for no apparent reason at all these days, I think I will heed that warning.  But, I am definitely cleaning this old girl up a little!

Am I a bad Mom Already!?!

I have a confession to make...

For a couple of weeks now, I have been feeling Lana moving.  She is not really kicking just yet, more like doing somersault after somersault.  I think she is going to be a gymnast!  LOL

I was so excited to feel her move for the first time and have been looking forward to the feeling for weeks now.  But, now that it is here, I must say it is a bit more disturbing than I had imagined.  Don't get me wrong, I love it because it lets me know she is in there thriving.  But, to be honest it is also very startling.  I find myself shocked and somewhat weird-ed out by the whole thing.


For many years I was told I would not be able to have children.  I was told getting pregnant was improbable if not impossible.  So, I never thought I would ever feel life stirring inside my belly.  Actually, I never even allowed myself to imagine it.  And, now that it is, it is just sooooooooooo foreign! It is just...weird!

Does this make me a bad mom already?   I don't know why, but I feel a bit guilty about it.  I feel like I should be like the other moms-to-be who instantly feel comfortable with the stirring and movement in there.  What do you think?  Has anyone else had these kind of thoughts?  Please tell me I'm not alone!

Pregnancy ADD

So, I have heard of this.  I remember my friends talking about "Preggo Brain" and wondering if there was any truth to it.  I am now sufficiently convinced that this phenomenon is very, very real!  I feel like I can't think these days...

I completely blank out on words and/or names in mid-conversation...

I can't seem to work on or think about one subject too long...and

I just feel more ditsy than ever these days!!

Case in point:  This blog.  I have literally started 2 blog posts in the past week which I have been completely unable to finish!   Need proof?  Here it is -


Unfinished Blog #1: 

I am pregnant!  I have achieved every fertility challenged woman's dream.  I am in the middle of a healthy pregnancy with a baby GIRL!!!  So, why does my mind keep wanting to think infertile-y? 

It's not that I'm not happy, because I AM SO HAPPY that it is hard to fathom.  I'm so excited...and nervous...and thankful...and shocked...and every other emotion one can possibly feel.  Problem is, my mind is not used to this kind of thinking.  My brain is accustomed to skepticism, fear, and worry.   It is trained to look with a doubtful eye at any kind of happiness, always wondering when the other shoe will drop.

Unfinished Blog #2:

"This world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning."
Ivy Baker Priest

This Sunday, my step-son Bradley graduates from high school.  A milestone which symbolizes the end of childhood and the beginning of a new chapter in his life.  Meanwhile his father, my loving husband, is literally starting this process all over this fall...

Endings get a bad rap.  While many come with a degree of sadness, they are usually also the beginning of something new.  Maybe it is a new chapter, new job, new relationship, or an opportunity for a brand new life...  But there is almost always something coming up the pike.  It always helps to remember this when mourning an end.

Tom is a little sad ~ but also beaming with pride about the Graduation.  He and Bradley's mother have raised an extremely intelligent, kind, and considerate young man.  Last night, we sat in the auditorium and watched as Bradley was awarded "Senior of the Year" in his college-level computer programming school.  He is set to attend college in the fall and pursue a degree in computer programming.  He already works for a firm in Louisville as a programmer - a firm that is willing to invest a significant amount of time and money into grooming him for a career.  What a bright future he has to look forward to...

Meanwhile, many others in Tom's position would be looking forward to being child-less once again.  Not Tom, he is stepping in for round 2!  The midnight feedings, endless crying, first steps, and first words...again.  Learning how to ride a bike, teaching stranger-danger, puberty, and oh-my-goodness teenage years...again.   I wonder if it will be as exciting (and/or scary) a second time around, or whether it will be old hat. 

I don't know what it is!  Everything is taking me longer and requiring much more effort than normal.  It is so crazy to me.  I feel like I have alot to say, but I just can't seem to get it out! 


I promise I will try and do better.  In fact, I will post this and begin working on another entry immediately.  I do have some things to say about feeling the baby move...Wait, do I smell food??!??  Well, I'll try and begin a new entry!   LOL

Baby Bar Exam

Ok...

Maybe it is because this is my first baby.   Maybe it's because I am a perfectionist.  Or maybe I am just plain stupid.  But, seriously, I am so overwhelmed by all the baby products that I had anxiety attacks over doing this registry!!!  Should it really be so difficult?!? 

On Tuesday after our OB appointment Tom and I  made the trip to Babies R Us.  We spent an hour and half reading tags, comparing products which we have no idea about, and scanning items.  Poor Tom figured he would be useful as he did all this with his son, but baby products have come a long way in 18 years!!! As we walked the aisles, I felt almost as I did taking the bar exam seven years ago.  i.e.  I just wanted to scan whatever and get out of there!!!  But still, we built what I thought was a pretty good registry...

That was until my friend Allison took a look.  Allison is mommy of two and our unofficial (i.e. unpaid lol) interior decorator for project baby.  I asked her to do so and give me suggestions on items we had forgotten and/or those that were useless. She was the perfect person to do this because Allison is super cautious, oober-organized, and not shy about expressing her opinions.  Let's just say she wrote a small novel outlining the problems!!  LOL  Being that she knows SO much better than I do, I made the suggested changes and updated STAT.  I let Lori take a look at the modified registry and it seems that we are now on the right track.  

Now that we know that the baby is a Lana, we are turning our attention to preparing her room.

The carpet in the baby's room has been ruined by my beautiful cat Scarlett over these past few years...so new carpet is a must.  I put a deposit down on that yesterday. Money being scarce, we are reusing many pieces of furniture, opting to refinish them instead of buy new. 

Allison has helped me come up with a beautiful color palette for little Lana's room.  I am so excited to see it come together.  I knew I didn't want the typical pink room, I wanted something a little different for my one-of-a-kind miracle baby girl!  I also am not a big fan of the ultra-themed rooms.  So, we have selected some beautiful fabrics for the baby bedding (now if I could just find someone to make it!).  The walls are going to be a soft lavender/violet, and the carpet will be neutral.  Here is the plan:

The Walls will be this color with white wood work:

I am reusing an old TV armoire to house her clothing, as well as refinishing an old bombe chest to match.  The closet, of course, has been transformed into a built in changing nook with plenty of storage.  I am undecided whether the closet needs to be painted a deeper shade of plum or the blue-green shade of the birds in the fabric.  One thing is for sure, the shelves will be white.  

So, that is all we have for now  :)  We are planning on starting on this asap so I will be posting before and after pictures for you as we go.  We are doing all the work ourselves, so be patient!!! 

Have a great weekend friends!  And a special thank you to all who have served this country in the armed forces including active military, veterans, and their families!  The sacrifices and gifts you have given to us will never be forgotten. Happy Memorial Day!

20 things Lana has already taught me...

I am 20 weeks pregnant and cannot believe that we are half-way to meeting our little Lana!!  To honor the occasion, I have jotted down 20 things that she has already taught me...


(1)  GREAT things come to those who wait (even those who wait impatiently).

(2)  It is not safe to sneeze, laugh, or make sudden movements unless you have literally JUST emptied your bladder.

(3)  Waistlines, and similarly underwear, are for sissies  ;)

(4)  High heels are not my friend.  They are the enemy.

(5)  Motherhood will, and has already, changed everything.

(6)  Stretchmarks are not preventable.  Don't believe the hype.

(7)  The two lumps on my chest actually do have a higher calling.  They know this and therefore are now taking over completely. 

(8)  I will never be perfect.  But the love I feel for this baby already is.

(9)  What Lana wants, Lana gets.  Period.

(10)  I have more grey hair than previously imagined, and my natural hair color has lightened significantly over the years. 

(11)  It is wise to always keep snacks handy.

(12)  One can live a fairly normal existence even without any feeling in one's hand.

(13)  The future is important, but enjoying the here and now is equally so.

(14)  My 'independent woman' is having to take a backseat to my 'needy mommy' self for now.  I am so lucky to have such a wonderful and loving partner throughout this adventure.  Ever heard of a Velcro-dog?  Well I have most definitely become a Velcro-wife.   LOL

(15)  I can endure almost anything.  Even someone getting way too close to my bellybutton. 

(16)  No matter how nominal the amount of fabric used, baby girl clothes are just as, if not more, expensive than my own.

(17)  I am a big 'ol softy at heart.  I cry at songs on the radio, commercials, and even articles in magazines. 

(18)  Sleeping is NOT for the weary. Restlessness and numbing limbs are, however.  

(19)   The so-called "pregnancy glow" is really just a reflection of sweat off my newly-acquired acne.  

(20)  I will never, ever, do anything more important or half as special as what I am doing right now.

What was that?

Here I sit between 19 and 20 weeks of this miracle pregnancy...Almost half-way through this blessed adventure, which makes makes me incredibly excited (and a little bit sad).  But, more importantly, I am right smack dab in the allotted time frame for one of the most exciting experiences of a first-time mother's journey ~ quickening.

My first "maybe" moment came on Mother's Day.  We were on our way back from my Uncle's Lake House when I felt an odd sensation in my belly.  No "butterflies", more like a rolling sensation.  It was really really faint, and I'm pretty sure I'd have missed it had I not been sitting still in the car.  Could it be?  Was it Lana doing somersaults?  I sat really still and tried to feel her again, but nothing.  The rest of the ride home my mind was racing with questions of whether that was really "it." 

Since that day, I have been taking several moments out of the day to just sit still and feel for something.  What did I get in exchange for this effort?  A big fat nothing.  This lack of activity made me think the Mother's Day incident was more likely just gas or something.  LOL. 

But this morning, I was driving back from court in Oldham County.  I started feeling what seemed like little "pokes."  Not hard, but very soft and they didn't hurt.  But I could definately feel something.  Could this be her?  Or are these sensations 'pelvic girdle' stretching?  I don't know!!!  It's driving me crazy!!!

I am looking so forward to feeling her and knowing for sure!!  As I have stated before, I need constant reassurance that this whole thing isn't just a dream or some medical mistake.  I need to feel the life growing inside me to convince me that my growing belly isn't just my body's desperate attempt to hold onto the dream. 

So, what do you guys think?  Do you think it was Lana?

Healing Words

For too many years, I kept both my feelings and fears silent as it pertains to my infertility.  I tried to ignore, stifle, and deny the pain and loneliness I felt.  However, I have since learned that nothing can be hidden forever.  At some point, we all have to deal with our demons in one way or another. 

After exposing and beginning to deal with my own infertility, I realized how much I have punished myself over the years.  The blame, the anger, the loneliness; all directed inward.  No matter how much success I had in other areas of my life, the inadequacy I felt from infertility persisted.  It wasn't until I actually acknowledged my infertility and openly shared my grief that I began to heal (both emotionally and physically).

Feeling compelled to save friends and family from the same fate, I started this blog.  I intended for the blog to help others going through similar situations.  Funny thing is, I found that writing it has actually helped me in more ways than anyone can ever imagine.  I am blessed to be surrounded by friends and acquaintances that have shared their stories with me.  Stories that helped me get through some of the darkest and most frightening moments of this journey. 

In this spirit, one of my friends has agreed to share her story with you.  Below is the heart-wrenching account of a woman who has experienced more grief in the last few years than many do in a lifetime.   She recently went through her third miscarriage, finding that she hadn't completely dealt with the first two.  As I have been spared this horrible experience, I thought it might be helpful to some of you to hear her story of living through miscarriage. 

I do, however, think anyone who has had any trouble conceiving will empathize.  Her description of the pain and despair is hauntingly familiar to me, and I'm sure will be to countless other women.  The writer has asked to remain anonymous, so I will just say thank you for sharing to a beautiful woman and wonderful friend.  May God continue to help you heal.

"Broken hearted is not the term I would use to describe my current state. I’ve often heard that when a bone has been broken, it is more easily repaired and often heals stronger than before the injury. What I am feeling now is beyond broken hearted. What I am feeling now is an inconsolable ache. A pain for which there is no cure, no remedy, no easy fix. My heart is constantly constricting and writhing in this pain. My arms ache and yearn to hold my lost children. Every night I dream of them. Every night they are taken from me again, and again, no matter how hard I try to fight it. No matter how loud my silent dream-screams are, I can’t stop them from being taken. Though I plead and beg, fight and claw, it is no use, they are always taken. Every night I dream of the man I love only to awaken and realize that he is gone too; gone to a place where I cannot retrieve him. He is gone beyond my reach and only drifting further away each day. Lost to demons from his past and frustration in the present. Lost to grief and pain and suffering.

Broken hearted does not begin to describe my condition. I feel as though my world has been turned upside down by forces beyond my control. That my dreams have been mocked and crushed to dust. Try as I might to keep my world the way it was, to maintain the relationship and love, it was no match for the whirlwind of calamity that destroyed it. Hope as I might that redemption and a second chance could be had, that too was taken; snatched from my grasp and my aching arms; torn from my battered and bruised heart. My face is always wet with tears and my sobs come from a deep chasm within my soul. The sadness weights my body and I feel as though I carry thousands of pounds on my shoulders. It envelopes me and doesn’t want me to escape. It chokes my throat and occupies each thought. It makes food tasteless and sleep restless.

I am angry with my body for turning on me; for losing my babies. I feel as though my body goes against everything I have ever wanted and painfully forces those dreams out of me against my will. I feel empty, so very empty and I wonder how my heart can go on beating. How can it not just give up? Why won’t it? It might be easier if it would. Just to be still. Just to stop. If it would only stop, it could be spared so much hurt and pain and suffering. If it would only stop…

I am angry with the universe. I have always tried to do the right thing. To treat everyone the way I would want to be treated. To be kind, considerate, compassionate and caring. To give of myself, my time, and my belongings to those in need. To love unconditionally and commit myself wholly. To take the good with the bad and try to still find joy in life. I have endured much more than many realize. I have hidden scars that very few have seen. I have hurts and pains from my past inflicted on me by cruel people and cruel circumstances, but I have tried to learn from those experiences and make my life better. It doesn’t seem fair that a person who had endured so much already should be subjected to such agonizing pain and additional loss. It doesn’t seem fair that one with so much love to give should have it thrown back in their face. It may sound childish, but sometimes it really isn’t fair…

And yet, smoldering beneath all of these feelings and pain is a hint of hope. Hope that I can find the strength to survive this catastrophe named miscarriage. Hope that I can find the support I need to make it out of bed and through one more day. Hope that the children I lost will someday be given back to me. Hope that the man I love will find peace and make his way out of his torment. Hope that I will one day soon be able to smile. Hope that my body, heart and soul will heal and become stronger than before. I hope that my friends will continue to fan this flame of hope until it consumes me and burns away the burden I now carry.

To anyone who has suffered a miscarriage, or several like myself, I truly feel for you. This pain is not anything I would ever wish for another human being. It is difficult to understand why. It is difficult to move forward. It is difficult to live through, but after speaking with some close friends who have endured situations similar to mine, I know it can be done. It is possible. Happiness can be found. I now find myself leaning on these ladies to pull me through. I find myself child-like in my trust of what they say. I take comfort in relating to their experiences. Through this I am learning a lesson in humility; that sometimes I must accept help from others. Sometimes I must admit I can’t do it alone and reach out for help. I’m finding I am so thankful to have good friends there to take my hand when I reach out; and to those friends who beat down my door and blow up my phone when I don’t: God bless you."