What if?

Life is a lovely, frightening, sometimes difficult, always different, and all too short ride.

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking.  Thinking about my life, and Tom's life, and the brand new life of our precious little Lana.  I've been thinking about how we got here to this particular moment in time.  I have been re-thinking my mistakes and the disappointments I and others have had along this journey.  I have been re-examining the years I spent waiting and wishing for the miracle of pregnancy.  And the more I think about it, the more I believe that each of us does have a fate or destiny.

What if Tom's Marine recruiter hadn't been an arrogant asshole...What if Tom hadn't met and married the mother of his son Bradley...What if Bradley had never been conceived and Tom moved back to Oklahoma... What  if Tom had gotten the job at a Sheriff's Dept in Indiana instead of Kentucky...What if I hadn't been engaged prior to deciding what law school to attend...What if I hadn't left the Jefferson County Commonwealth attorney's Office for a position in Shelbyville...What if I had successfully conceived a child in my first marriage...

How would mine and Tom's worlds be different today?

Any one of a thousand little decisions have the ability to greatly impact one's life.  Just one left turn instead of right...and who knows?

As for the infertility part of this thought process, the point is this:  For many years I wondered why.  Why was God so cruel?   Why couldn't I get pregnant?  Did God not want me to be a mother?  Would I be a bad one?  I just didn't understand any of it.

But now, I think it was all meant to be.  It wasn't the right time before. I wasn't the right person nor was I with the right person.  I needed to journey a little further and learn some more life lessons.  I needed to make some changes and accept some hard truths.  

I needed to become me.  And I needed to get here. 

I know, I know.  This is so easy to say now.  Now that I am finally seeing my dream of  becoming a mother come true.  Now that I am finally happy and fulfilled in my marriage in a way I never was before.  But, I can't help it.

I feel like Lana has been waiting for me just as long as I have been waiting for her.  I feel like all these years I have just been traveling the road to get to her and Tom.  

I had to travel the road first.  I had to get from point A to point B.  I feel like that road, along with its bumps and turns and ditches, was what ultimately made the difference.  That road is what will make me a better wife as well as a more thankful and appreciative mommy.

So, for any of you still struggling with what seems like a cruel God out there, take heart.  It can happen - it happened to me!  All those disappointments and heartbreaks can magically turn into blessings.  They can one day serve as reminders for us to take nothing for granted and appreciate every single moment we are given.  And I truly believe we will be better people because of our struggles.

"Sometimes, perhaps, we are allowed to get lost that we may find the right person to ask directions of."  ~Robert Brault