If there is one thing I have learned these past few years, it is the art of admitting struggle. This is a process that was totally unacceptable to me throughout many years of my life. I considered it to be a sign of weakness and/or inferiority. However, I have come to believe that the acknowledgement and acceptance of our own imperfections is one of the most courageous things we can do in life.
This blog was one method I used to expose the imperfections and struggles in my life, among many others. These past few years have caused me to realize how absolutely necessary it is to stay open, honest, and authentic in my relationships. I no longer have the time, or patience, to sweep things under the rug and/or try and save face. It is clear that no matter how long we ignore problems, they are still there, waiting under the surface to bite you in the butt the first chance they get.
I am in no way saying that admitting our struggles is easy. I still grapple with my own expectations of what I should be or should have, and fight against my own pride almost every step of the way. But nothing worth doing comes easy, and this fight is where we learn important life lessons.
I have recently had to come to terms with a shift in my own life, one that I'm sure many others are currently dealing with. The economy is bad, business is slow, and therefore money is extremely tight. Pile on the expenses relating to actually achieving this pregnancy as well as the things that need to be done for our precious Lana on the way, and you have a recipe for financial disaster. It is clear changes need to be made, no matter how hard or humiliating they may be.
So, things I used to be able to do or spend money on are no longer possibilities at this point in my life. This means having to cancel or change some plans and alter some expectations. The long and short of it is - it sucks. I will not pretend it doesn't bother me. It does to some extent...
BUT...when I consider what I am getting in return for these sacrifices, they become meaningless and trivial. Just 8 months ago there was NOTHING I wouldn't do to start a family. I would have signed away any possession, agreed to any condition, and happily accepted any sacrifice. Now that I have been granted that wish, it's just time to pay the bill so to speak. And that is ok. I can do that, no matter how uncomfortable or humbling it is in the short-term.
My point is this: For many, many years I lived a life where money/budgets/bills really never entered my day-to-day consciousness. Not that I was stunningly rich by any means, but I was never forced to sacrifice material things or common luxuries in order to pay the mundane bills. Regardless, what I remember most from that time was feeling excruciatingly lonely and unhappy. No amount of material things filled the void I felt in my heart, nor could they satisfy the restlessness I felt to live differently. When I finally decided to make changes, I knew they would come with a price. And they have. Not only financially, but in the form of lost relationships and friendships along the way. But my life today is SO MUCH happier. I am so much more content. I feel at peace, and loved, and protected in a way I never did before. And this is true no matter how much extra money we have in the bank.
So, if I have to eat my humble pie for a few years while we repay this wonderful dream we are naming 'Lana', so what? I have a mad craving for sweets anyhow.
Stay safe this Holiday weekend. Celebrate Independence Day with those you love and be thankful for what really matters most in life. Just as my dream of Lana had its price, so does Freedom. So give thanks this weekend not only for the freedom we have in the country, but also for those brave men and women who defend and keep it.
xoxo
No comments:
Post a Comment