reMEMBERing my place

Have you ever gone to a work function, wedding, or other social event and been seated at a table with complete strangers...Who happen to be very good friends with one another...Where it's like the other people seated there are a part of this private and exclusive club that you could never in a million years hope to join?  It's like walking into a rush party, getting blackballed, and then having to stay for the remaining program.  This is sorta what every single baby shower has felt like for me for at least the last 5 years.

The first few weren't bad because (1) the preggo people were still the outsiders/minority, and (2) My own Infertility was still plausibly deniable.  But as the years marched on, and more and more of my friends went from chick to momma-chick, I began to absolutely dread these gatherings.  Yes, I smiled and nodded as the women talked about bathroom breaks, nipples, onesies, and bottles.  But inside, it was torture.  The sadness, jealously, embarrassment, and self-pity were almost too much to bear.  Thank God most of my friends have a sense of humor and had alcoholic punch at these things.  Otherwise, I may not have made it.

I have also realized that I have been a bit detached from my friends' mommy-hood/mommy-status until now.  What I mean is that I subconsciously glossed-over this part of their lives.  While I tuned out potty-training talk, I became extremely animated when non-mommy subjects were discussed.  I guess I tried to deal with my infertility by trying to "forget" my friends' fertility to a certain extent. 

Today, I attended my first baby shower since overcoming infertility.  One of my good friends, Wendy, is expecting twins this Spring.  For the first time ever, I didn't feel like I was on the outside looking in.  It was so nice to sit at a baby shower and feel only genuine happiness for the mommy-to-be.  That is, happiness without her evil stepsisters Jealousy and Despair. 

As a supposed "member" of the mommy club today, I noticed something else.  There is no "mommy" club.  The mommies and mommies-to-be aren't sitting around planning special outings and exchanging secret handshakes to the exclusion of the non-mommies/non mommies-to be.  In fact, it seems the only people who believe there is a "mommy club" are those who feel left out of it.

I have known many of the women I saw today since we were toddlers.  I could have gone around the room and shared several memories about every single one of those girls (some sweet, some not so PG).  I look at Wendy, the mommy-to-be, and think of "Where's the Beef" (you can ask her yourself), Quarter-a-piece Pack of Cigs, and Lake Cumberland.  I see Stephanie and remember front-yard parties, Disney World, and a bit-too-much fun on the beach one night.  Nikki makes me think of dance recitals, weekend house parties, and Celery (which she despises with a passion).  Cat-daddy brings to mind Dave Matthews Band and really, really bad dancing (sorry Cat).  Anyway, you get the point...

So, to my surprise and utter delight, this shared history is the only "club" around.  I am proud to say I have been a dedicated member for much longer than the past 9 weeks.  And thank God we don't even have to wear ugly green dresses and sing cheesy songs at "pref night"!  ;)  little shout out to my Kappa Delta sisters.

Wendy and Kris, Tom and I wish you all the happiness in the world.  And OMG are those kids going to be beautiful! 

Obamacare: Just another kick in the gut to hardworking Americans

Generally, this blog is personal NOT political.  But there are times when the political gets so wrapped up with the personal, that it just CANNOT be helped.  I must speak.  I must bitch.

It is no secret that I'm a conservative.  Although I've been equally disgusted by both political parties lately, I have always identified more with the Republican party.  That is not to say I agree with their entire platform.  But, when it comes to financial and economic issues, I am extremely conservative.  So, I classify myself more succinctly as a Libertarian.  Ie:  I really don't care what you do, just leave me alone.  Marry whomever you want; what's it have to do with me?  If you are an adult and want to kill yourself smoking crack, meth, etc., go ahead.  That is your business.  But just don't come crying to me.  Don't come asking me for help, or medical care, or anything.  I don't want to hear OR pay for it.

And I am not completely opposed to public assistance, but ONLY where it is necessary.  There should be real limits and conditions placed on an individual's ability to live off the government.  Failure to do so fosters laziness and government dependence.  A citizenry that is too dependent on the government for its personal needs becomes RULED by that government.  Their ability to dissent and/or demand change is all but abolished in such a situation.  Aside from that, government dependence is just so un-American.  Ug.

Finally, I'm just going to say it:  I don't like paying for it.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and admit that yes, I am one of those bitches that gets genuinely pissed every time I set aside 30% of my income to pay taxes.  Add to that sales tax, property tax, school tax, city tax, county tax, vehicle tax, etc. and we spend almost 60% of our money on taxes each year.  Think about THAT the next time you are having a bad day at work.  And what do those tax dollars pay for?  About 35% of America's budget is spent on Medicare, Medicaid, and Welfare.  To put this in perspective, only 20% of the budget is spent on National Defense.  Our Constitution states that the main purpose of the Federal Government is to protect and secure our states against outside threats.   So, what is the deal?!?

For all the reasons above I have become extremely frustrated with the current state of our government.  When I stand behind someone at the grocery store who reaches her freshly manicured hand into her designer bag to find food stamps to pay for her steak, I get pissed.  Especially when I decided to fix chicken for dinner instead of steak because we are on a budget.  Also, when I hear a 20 year old Defendant advise the court that he/she is on "disability" and needs a free attorney, disability for "emotional issues", I get pissed.  Something is so wrong in this country. 

So, it is no surprise that I am also extremely opposed to nationalized healthcare.  I can't think of ONE INSTANCE where the government's intervention in private industry helped.  Not one.  And this is coming from a former government employee.  Trust me, government is wasteful, incompetent, and always political.  I wouldn't want government overseeing my yard work much less my healthcare!

Which brings me to the reason for this blog entry:  OBAMACARE IS NOT FREE.  Not only will our taxes pay for this public assistance program, but private insurance companies are forced to increase premiums on hardworking Americans.   A set of provisions included in the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act  gives the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) sweeping new powers to impose a wide range of detailed benefit requirements on employer-sponsored health plans and major medical policies sold by health insurers. This will effectively make all health insurance benefits uniform—depriving patients of choices—increase the cost of coverage for tens of millions of Americans, and stifle insurance innovation.

Case in point:  I recently got on Tom's insurance plan.  Immediately after the passage of Obamacare, his insurance company cut several benefits, raised co-pays, and doubled our Deductible.  That means that the cost of having our baby in October went from $2000 to $4000 overnight.  That also meant that Tom's blood pressure medicine went from a co-pay of $4 to $50, overnight.  That also meant that my prescription for progesterone supplements which I MUST HAVE TO SUSTAIN THIS PREGNANCY are no longer covered as acceptable pre-natal care.  So, we are privately paying the $350 every 21 days for my supplements.  Needless to say at this point, but I am pissed.

The point is this:  Somebody has to pick up the slack for those who are asking for a free ride.  Unfortunately, its always hard-working middle-class Americans who do so.

Baby Cypert's first picture!

Look very, very closely.  Those two little X's mark the head and rump of Baby Cypert!!!! 

So, I am officially the President of Bumpzillas Anonymous.  We arrived three strong to the Doc's office this morning:  Me, Tom, and my Momma.  I believe by the time we had arrived most of the office had listened to my weepy message from yesterday.  I am, without a doubt, one of those patients. 

The Doc had me go in the exam room alone, leaving Tom and mom in the conference room.  Doc wanted to take a look and see exactly what we were dealing with before we had them come in.  The first thing I saw was a doughnut looking shape (hey, it was early and I was hungry).  This being my first pregnancy I had no idea if that was good or bad, or even normal.  But alas, Doc was very pleased!!!  Apparently the lighter "doughnut" part is the gestational sac, while the little black hole in the middle is the yolk sac.  The teeny tiny little anomaly in the left bottom corner is baby Cypert!  Both the gestational sac and baby Cypert measure consistently at a gestational age of 5 weeks, 5 days (correlating with my current pregnancy week of 7 weeks, 5 days).  Doc saw no blood and/or clots in the uterine cavity to signal problems of any type.  Doc believes the bleeding I had yesterday was caused by the progesterone suppositories.  Although he could not assure us that nothing would go wrong in the weeks and months to come, he was able to assure us that the pregnancy appears to be progressing appropriately!!!  What wonderful news!

Unfortunately, we were not able to see the little flicker of a heartbeat just yet.  Doc believed that he saw a very faint flicker of the heart, but he couldn't be completely sure.  So, he gave us a choice of coming back in one or two weeks so that we could see that beautiful little light for ourselves.  We decided to give it two weeks so that we could be completely sure that we would see it by then.  

Doc believes the bleeding yesterday was caused by the progesterone suppositories, and he said the cramping is definitely due to the expanding of my uterus since this is my first pregnancy.  I apologized for leaving the weepy message and getting all dramatic, but he totally understood.  He was glad I called to ask about the symptoms, and encouraged me to call anytime I was concerned.  He jokingly asked "How many times have you been pregnant again?"  I said, "None."  He said, "Exactly.  This is all new, and you have no way to know what to expect.  That's what we are here for." I love my Doc  <3

Let me also brag a little bit on my husband.  By the time he and my mom were ushered in the room, I already knew the good news that the pregnancy was still on course.  I was still laying on the table being assaulted by that little wand they use to take the pictures when they walked through the door.  As I looked over toward Tom, his face was frozen in fear.  He looked so scared.  The amazing part is that he never allowed me to see it before that moment.  He remained so calm and reassuring all night last night and this morning.  Because of his calm demeanor, I didn't realize that my bleeding yesterday didn't just scare me to death, it also had him worried sick.  

I may have not realized it before, but I do now.  For the first time, I could clearly see that this scares him just as much as it does me.  He stays strong for me, and me only.  This is so easy to forget when I'm in the depths of my Bumpzilla madness and in need of comfort.  But, he needs comfort too.  And he should not have to always be the strong one.  He may not cry and sulk and write long blog entries about his fears, but the look on his face and tears in his eyes this morning reminded me that this is just as real (and frightening) for him.  I have to be a better wife and think to support him, even when he doesn't act like he needs it.

But, when the Doc told them the good news, the look of relief on his face was priceless.  He grabbed my hand and kissed my head, and it was like a thousand pounds had been lifted off his shoulders.  I'm thinking that thousand pounds was probably my big a*!.  LOL.  But it was so nice to see that joy in his eyes.  I love that more than anything.

Of course my mom let out a big yell and started hugging and kissing anyone she could get her hands on.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to take some kind of baked good to my next appointment since we are unarguably that family.   

Oh well, I don't care.  I love my family and I like having them around!  Just wait until I go into labor.  We will have such a crowd that they may just kick us out of the hospital.  Seriously, it's happened before people...

BA (Bumpzillas Annonymous)

I'm turning into one of those Mommies-to-be. 

As much as I hate to admit it, I am turning into one of those women who obsess over every twinge, pain, and cramp.  I'm turning into one of those women who leaves weepy messages on my Doc's voicemail wondering if this thing or that thing is "normal."  And I'm turning into one of those women who finds it difficult to think about, or even talk about, anything but the baby.

I really don't want to be one of these women.  I don't know if my past hatred of them was due primarily to my infertility, or if other women have also felt this way at one time or another.  But I have spent the last 10 years ridiculing and avoiding them like the plague.  Women who appear to be excessively self-involved and self-important...Women who exude a certain superiority to those non-pregnant/non-mommy women around her...Women who seem to believe that her current gestational work is somehow special, wondrous, and all awe-inspiring.

However, it is clear now that I have joined their ranks.  And, I have discovered that maybe these women aren't as much self-involved as they are self-conscious.  That maybe, just maybe, they are scared and merely looking for reassurance.  Finally, I have come to realize that they consider their work miraculous simply because it is.

So, in the spirit of being an admitted Bumpzilla, here is the story:  As if my last post was unclear, suffice it to say that I have been mildly worried about the absence of morning sickness in this pregnancy.  A couple of nights ago, I also began cramping in my lower abdomen.  But, it was the spotting yesterday that instantly resulted in PANIC.  Que the weepy voicemail to my doc.  As a result, my doc suggested that we move the ultrasound up before the weekend.  As usual, they were non-committal on the significance of the bleeding combined with cramps.  They were, however, clear that I should come into the office to be examined as soon as possible.

I detected a small amount blood "down there" twice yesterday.  Since about 5:30 p.m. last night, I have yet to see any more of it.  But the cramping has continued.  It's not completely unlike PMS-type cramping, but also not exactly the same.  It's hard to describe. 

So, between the worry, cramps, headache, and night sweats (which I have been having frequently for the last couple of weeks), I didn't get much sleep at all last night.  I'm worried and nervous about this morning. 

I am hoping this worry and concern is merely a Bumpzilla episode.  I'm hoping that along with my obsessiveness with my abdomen, I have also grossly exaggerated the significance of every twinge and every cramp.  And that the bleeding yesterday was merely the kind experienced in several healthy pregnancies, instead of a sign of darker things to come.  Finally, I'm hoping that we get to see that tiny flicker on the screen this morning.  The one that will alleviate my concerns (at least for the next few days LOL) and confirm to me that he/she is still there growing and thriving.     

So, wish us luck!  I'll be updating you later today. 

On a lighter note, I can totally relate to the cartoon below!!!  It made me laugh out loud!

'Freshly' pregnant

Still no sign of morning sickness around these parts!  I got nauseated the other day, but I'm pretty sure this condition had more to do with my cooking, less with the pregnancy...

Could it be that I've been spared this infamous mommy-to-be right of passage?  Not a chance.  I'm not the kind of girl that gets lucky.  That, my friends, is why I wish I were throwing up about right now.  I woulda' NEVER thought that I'd actually want to pray to the porcelain god, but here I am.  loL

I have officially entered my seventh week of pregnancy.   "Freshly pregnant" is the way my good friend Ashton introduced me at her bridal shower last weekend.  LOL.  But, I'm getting less and less "fresh" everyday, which is why I want the ol' trusty morning sickness to begin.

You will be glad to know that I have stopped "Google"ing, but have instead become obsessed with reading the stereotypical mommy-to-be books.  "What to Expect when you're Expecting" and "Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy" have become my new go-to's for the wacky and weird questions that crop up in my head.  According to these guides, morning sickness usually appears in the 6-8 week range.  Here I am sitting smack dab in the middle of that range and nothing.

Please understand I'm not 'freaking out' or necessarily complaining, but just stating that I kinda wish I would puke (I'm sick, I know).  I guess doing so would validate my pregnancy for me.  Instead, I just feel like a swollen, chunky, irritable crybaby.  I have already gained weight and developed a bit more girth in my abdomen (which was already swollen from the injections and hormones).  I am also exhausted and just feel the need to lay down all the time.  The constant headache is still hanging around, which sucks since I'm trying to limit medications as much as possible.  Also, my boobs are sore.  And when I say sore, I mean SORE.  Like come home and take off my bra because I'm in pain kinda-sore.  And they are huge-r than ever.  Yuck.  I hate my breasts. 

I know, I know, these are all symptoms of pregnancy.  But none of these has quite the street-cred that nausea does.  The way I see it, most of my symptoms could also be a sign of Aunt Flo.  It is not sufficient.  I want daily confirmation that I am in fact still "in the family way"!  Nothing but a good puke-fest will do!  How unfortunate that I'm abstaining from alcohol right now  ;-)

Were any of you mommas out there spared nausea?  I just want some reassurance that my body is doing what it should even if I don't puke.  :)

Goodbye to my first Baby Girl

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."

After walking on the clouds these past couple of weeks, I was brought down quite suddenly by some devastating news.  My first baby (fur), Prissy, passed away at the age of nine on Friday.  

Prissy was a full-blooded Springer Spaniel.  She was a loving and wonderful doggie.  My ex-husband and I got her shortly after we got married.  As a child, I always had small/teacup sized dogs.  However, my ex had grown up with this Spaniel breed and insisted on staying with it.  I am so glad he did.  It was because of Prissy that I officially changed from a small dog person to a big dog person.

I remember when we got her.  She was teeny tiny, so small she fit in the palm of my hand.  She still had blue eyes, and I was convinced that she was meant to be mine with this coloring (of course, the blue eyes promptly turned brown, but I still believe she looked like me  LOL).  She sat with me the whole ride home from Bowling Green, snuggled tightly in a fetal position in my lap. For the first seven years of her life, she lived with me day in and day out.  Although bred to be a "bird dog", Prissy decided she was unmistakably an inside/luxury type canine.  She was funny and flirty, again a chip right off the old block.  She made me laugh and cheered me up when I was sad.  She snuggled me when I was sick and guarded me when we were alone.  Losing her in the divorce was one of the hardest things I had ever done, until now.

I have not seen her since August 2009.  My ex-husband and I had two pets together, Prissy and a cat named Scarlett.  Along with the division of property, we also had to agree on the living arrangement for our fur-babies.  Scarlett stayed with me, and Prissy went with her daddy.  I was so unhappy about this arrangement, but also recognized that she and her daddy shared an especially close bond.  I think she needed him, and I know he needed her.  It was a given that Scarlett would remain with me, so, there Prissy went.  I was devastated.

I cried on a nightly basis for several months.  I know, I know, you "non-animal people" are probably rolling your eyes.  But to me, Prissy was my daughter.  And it was the loss of her daily company and unconditional love that hurt me the most.  I only started to heal when I adopted my baby girl Karma.  Later, when Tom and I got our babygirl Ally, I was finally able to move on...Somewhat.

I still filled Prissy's stocking at Christmas and asked about her every time I spoke to her dad.  I asked if he would drop her off for a day's visitation, and he agreed, but it never actually happened.  But to this day, I could not talk about her without tearing up.  I missed her company so much.  However, it was comforting knowing she was somewhere being cared for.  Friday, however, my ex-husband called to tell me the bad news.  I was driving home from work.  I got hysterical.  I just could not believe it.

Apparently Prissy developed a flipped stomach and went into cardiac arrest after emergency surgery.  There was nothing that could be done.  She was only 9 years old.

I cried most of the night Friday.  I took a forced break from my break-down to attend my bestie Ashton's bridal shower, but promptly resumed the hysteria when I arrived back home.  I experienced all of the emotions you would expect from a loss.  Sadness, anger, and worst of all guilt.   I wondered if she wondered where her mommy went and why she had to leave home.  I wondered if she was scared and wished I was there to snuggle her when she got sick.  And I started to question my fitness as a human mommie-to-be.  

This is when Tom started to question my overall sanity.  He got frustrated that I would even ask such a ridiculous question.  Actually, nothing makes him quite as mad as when I am unfairly judgmental of myself.  He can't understand why I am so hard on myself sometimes.  And then he gets mad at me for me getting mad at me.  Then I get mad for him getting mad.  It's crazy.

But this weekend, I had to concede. After all, he was mainly worried about the stress I was putting on our baby by getting so upset. He pleaded with me to remember the sweet baby growing in my belly, and for me to calm down and breathe.  He was right.  I had to quit it.  I had to calm down. 

I have taken the remainder of the weekend to let Prissy's sudden death sink in.  After my experiences with loss (human and furbaby), I still don't understand it.  I still can't fully accept it.  I always want to know why.  But, I realize I may never know.  I am working on accepting that, but it's hard.

I would just like to say that Miss Priss will always be remembered.  She was my sweet baby, my first born if you will.  She was a beautiful, elegant, and gentle doggie soul.  And most of all, she was a really good friend to me.

There is no doubt in my mind that animals have souls, and that those souls go to heaven.  So tonight, I hope my Mamaw is giving my sweet girl special love and attention on my behalf.  

Mamaw, she really loves her ears scratched, and she loves to give kisses.  Please tell her that I will love and remember her always.  And tell her I will try my best to be the kind of person who will eventually get in up there so that we can be together again one day.

Priscilla "Prissy" Savannah

2002-2011

 Who could resist this face?

 She loved dressing like a witch for Halloween, just like her Momma!

 Beautiful girl

 Seriously, whatever she wanted she could get!

Sitting Pretty

 She was a good little sister to Scarlett.

 She loved to snuggle and sleep.

 She looked regal.

 She would just stare at me, and my heart would melt.

  RIP Prissy girl, Momma loves you very much and hopes you have lots of room to run and play in Heaven.

Top Ten Pregnancy Goals

1.  Do anything/everything I can to make sure this baby is born happy and healthy.

2.  Quit fretting.   For who knows how long, I remember thinking that if I could just get pregnant, I could finally relax.  Yeah right!!  And as my ever-so-wise hubby reminded me, the worrying has just begun (and will never end).  So, I need to find a way to deal with it and let it go.

3.   Try and remember how very blessed I am even with these terrible headaches, backaches, sore breasts, etc.  No nausea as of yet, but I'm pretty sure I won't be spared.

4.  Improve my patience in all things.  I am one of those people who "wants it now."  If I have to pee, I have to go now (and this was true even before pregnancy).  If I'm hungry, I want to eat now.  I am already realizing that my needs and wants are going to take a back seat to those of the bean.  Strangely enough, I am totally OK with that.

5.  Tell my baby daddy how much I love and appreciate him every single day.  Even when he is getting on my nerves.

6.  Listen to my Momma.  Yes she can be flighty and a bit dramatic...but you can't argue with the results.  She kept my sister and me alive, and I think we turned out pretty normal (for the most part).  Besides that, she is a pretty great person and a wonderful momma.

7.  Pamper myself (as if I really needed to be pregnant to do this one LOL).  I'm going to try and get some pedicures, manicures, and massages throughout this 9 months.  In other words, do all of the things I normally don't do because of money.  Money is still tight, but I think it's really important to feel good and feel good about myself during this time.  So, we will find a way to get it done. 

8.  Keep working part-time.  Since the beginning of the year, I have been going into the office on a decidedly part-time basis.  With all the doctor's appointments and procedures, I have limited my in-office time to an hour or two after court appearances usually 3-4 days/week.  Of course, I'm on call 24/7, but I can talk to clients on my cellphone from anywhere.  I have been able to keep this up without any major problems/salary adjustments so far.  Hopefully, I can make this a semi-permanent switch.

9.  Not go stupid crazy buying baby clothes and products.  This one is going to be hard to keep, I know.  But I have seen my friends go through this enough times to know that half of the crap bought during the pregnancy will never be used. 

10.  Enjoy this amazing experience.  I have dreamed about it for so long, even though I only half-believed I'd ever actually get to experience it!!  Therefore, I am not going to obsess over my weight (which already went out the window with the previous procedures and hormone treatments) and whether I will be able to lose it.   After all, it will all work out. 

BTW, our baby looks like a tiny tadpole and has already formed his/her heart and neural tube!!!  It just amazes me!!!  xoxo

Home Pregnancy Tests are EVIL

After yesterday's confirmation that I am, in fact, PREGNANT (I just will never get tired of saying that :)), I took another home pregnancy test just to see the result for myself.  Since I had a blood test yesterday, I knew the exact level of HCG  in my blood (which happened to be double the amount supposedly detected on these evil little sticks).

Low and behold, there is a line, but it is so faint that only me and God can see it.  Same thing on the test this morning!!  Accordingly, I am SO glad I decided to listen to everyone's advice and quit taking the HPTs on Tuesday!  I would have had a mental breakdown by Friday had I continued!  And that would NOT have been healthy for the precious little one growing in my belly!

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for your sound advice.  You were all right that these little sticks cannot be trusted, and I have learned my lesson.  Thus, I was in fact wrong (baby, you may want to save this post because you know how rarely I utter that particular sentence). 

So, if you have a friend/loved one who is disheartened by a BFN on a HPT, give them my number.  I would be glad to talk them off of that ledge!

xoxo

Sooooooo...

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!

I almost can't believe it!  As I write this, my eyes are tearing up!  Tom and I are simply over the moon!  We just got the call, and it is official!

Of course, it is super super early.  That's the one problem with this blog, we can't do the whole wait to tell thingy that most people do.  There are still a lot of things that could go wrong of course, but we have made it past one of the biggest hurdles!

I cannot thank you all enough for the well wishes!  We go back for another blood test on Monday to make certain my levels are rising appropriately.  But for now, we am going to celebrate this MIRACLE BABY!!!!!!!

LOVE YOU ALL!  XOXOX

Thoughts of an infertile mind

I want to thank all of you for your kind words of encouragement.  We don't yet know what Friday has in store for us.  Be that as it may, I have decided not to take another home pregnancy test.  I just don't see the point in crying every single day this week over something I cannot control.  So, I will wait for Friday.  At that time, we will either rejoice in wonderful news or mourn a devastating loss.  These, after all, are our only choices.

This has been a roller coaster, and the 2ww has been much more difficult than I had expected.  Everything happened so fast, so I never really considered the possibility that the IVF wouldn't work.  Because my problem is ovulating, I figured that everything else would work like clockwork.  I am beginning to realize that this may not be the case.  

I am also trying desperately to keep my mind open and my anxiety under control.  Poor Tom doesn't know what to do with me and has been trying to keep me smiling.  I know he is exhausted and sick of trying to cheer me up.  And I know he can't understand why I can't buy what he is selling.  I wish I could be positive at this point, but I just can't.  My infertile mind has taken over, and it is now in complete control of the situation. 

I don't think I can explain what it is like to be an infertile woman undergoing fertility treatments to someone who has not experienced it first hand.  I'm sure it would be like someone trying to explain the magic of giving birth to me.   There are some experiences that just can't be described with words.

There are some experiences that all those trying to start a family share.  For instance, we all know the stress in wanting to have a child, but not knowing whether it will happen.  Another universal worry is whether the resulting pregnancy will be healthy.   But the infertile couple has additional stresses:  The amount of time spent in the Doctor's office for blood tests, ultrasounds, etc. during a fertility cycle (usually every 2-3 days); The pain and emotional fallout from hormonal stimulants;  The emotional toll of undergoing various medical procedures to achieve something others do naturally; and the Extraordinary amount of money spent on this venture with no guarantee of success.  Finally,

the infertile couple must deal with the stress and pressure all these circumstances put on their relationship.  Even the strongest of couples would be tested.

In addition to all this, there are thoughts and emotions that are only experienced by the patient (the person with the fertility issue).  It is very easy for someone who has not experienced infertility to dismiss these worries as unreasonable.  I'll admit it, many of them are just that.  But as we all know, our emotions don't respond to reason.  The closer and more personal the issue, the less reasonable and objective our feelings on the subject.  

Below is a list of the poisonous thoughts that run through my mind on a daily basis.  It's like a bad record that has been set to repeat.  I have heard it for several years...since my first sign of infertility: 

1. Something is wrong with me, I am broken... I am less than. 

2.  I am being punished for my sins and wrongs against others.  I deserve this.

3.  I hate myself for this.

4.  This is happening because I would be a bad mother. 

5.  I am a horrible wife and don't deserve my husband.  

6.  Bitch (upon seeing another pregnant person)...(followed almost immediately by) God, I'm a terrible person.

7.  Stupid Bitch (upon seeing a mother with a newborn baby)...(followed almost immediately by) God, I'm a terrible person.

8.  I am a disappointment to my family. 

9.  I will never be a real woman or feel complete.  

10.  I am forever cursed.

As you can see, the overwhelming theme is fault.  I.e.: This is my fault.  Thus, I am also to blame for all its consequences to myself and the ones I love.

As I sit here and write this, I know these things are not true.  I am ashamed to admit that these thoughts run through my mind, because I realize how ridiculous many of them are.  But, in my darkest hour when my spirit is weak and  I am frightened, I am not quite so level-headed.  I begin to believe these lies.  And this belief compromises my self-esteem and my sanity.

For those of you who have not had to experience this, I'm sure you feel like I'm being melodramatic.  That is ok.  I have never denied having a particular flair for drama, so I understand why it would appear so.  But I can assure you, as will anyone else who has dealt with infertility, these feelings are real and they are all consuming.

I can only pray that one day I can shut these thoughts off and change the record to a more cheerful tune.  Most of all, I hope that day turns out to be Friday. 

 

Prove me wrong

I am typically not one to want to be wrong, much less admit it.

But, I have convinced myself that I have failed again, and that I am not pregnant despite the best of efforts.

My beta (blood test) is not until Friday, but like a fool I went and took a home pregnancy test this afternoon.  I got one of those fancy ones that claim sensitivity up to 6 days before your missed period.  Today marks 8 days past the transfer, or 11 days past ovulation.  In a normal cycle that would mean I am currently 3 days shy of ground zero.  If I were pregnant it should have detected it.

I got a BFN -.

I am really trying to keep my chin up, but I am having a really tough time.  I feel like it's over.  Tom is frustrated with me because of this defeatest attitude, which makes the whole thing even worse.

Please Lord, if you are a loyal fruitlessfilly reader or just happen across this entry, please turn this thing around.  My body can probably live through this hormonal assault again, but I'm not sure my heart can.  The injections, the doctors appointments, the procedures, the waiting, it is just too much.  My work, my sanity, and my faith is suffering.  Please, please, please prove me wrong.  Please let us be successful.  Please make me a mommy.

Your admittedly flawed devotee,

Amanda