We got good news on Friday in that two of our embryos survived to freezing. This means that if we do not succeed this month, we can do a FET (frozen embryo transfer) next month. This procedure would be much easier on my body since I won't have to do injectible hormones, etc. If I am pregnant now, we can save them to use in the future if needed. But either way, I feel very lucky to have these two backups. Some couples have nothing left to freeze.
I got the call about our little frozen embies while at lunch with my bestie Allison. Although these last two years were rough, they resulted in the unexpected gift of certainty in my friendships. It is true that a real friend is hard to find.
Differentiating a true friend from a good acquaintence is difficult, and almost impossible when times are good. There was a time when I had many "best friends." However, I have come to discover that many of these people were merely good acquaintences, while a few even turned out to be completely fake. This realization was difficult for me but it ultimately came down to this: I had not been honest with myself in my appraisal of some of my relationships. This resulted in hurt feelings, disappointments, and ultimately, enlightenment. I realized that these friends, or good acquaintences, would never live up to the conduct I expected from best friends. And, I'm ok with that. It doesn't make them bad people, and it doesn't mean I'm unworthy. It's just the truth.
I have also come to realize that you really are lucky to have one true friend in this world. The type that would walk through fire with you. The type that loves you unconditionally for the person they know you are, even if your conduct falls short of this standard on occasion. The type that sticks by you in thick and thin, runs in when the world runs out, etc. etc. "When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." ~Henri Nouwen.
After the weeding out process of the last two years, I am happy to say that I am certain I have a few very close, very true friends. And Allison is definately one of them.
Anyway, we sat there talking about my procedures and issues surrounding frozen embryos. Allison was curious about the process and asked many questions. We talked about the ethical/moral questions presented in the destruction of the embryos. We talked about the legal questions of ownership/custody. It was a very stimulating and intelligent conversation. That was until...
"Can they get freezer burn?"
I busted out laughing so hard at her question I almost peed my pants right there in the restaurant! Freezer Burn!?!
These are the moments friendships are made of. A real friend throws it out there with knowledge that the other will totally get it, no matter how ridiculous it sounds.
I <3 you girls.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
The Southern Way
Let me begin by acknowledging, yes, some of the private details I have disclosed to the world through this blog would be embarrassing to most. Opening up one's...life...like I have is not for everyone. Part of me wonders whether I should have done what traditional Southern etiquette requires; i.e. keep my mouth shut and smile through the pain. Be a nice Southern Lady. And never, never, mention any of these dirty details in mixed company.
Problem is, I'm not a nice Southern Lady. I'm a Southern Woman. And, yes, there is a difference. Both should be kind, genuine, warm, and hospitable. And both refer to females raised in the South (below the Mason/Dixon line). But the "Southern Lady" is typically demure, gentle, soft spoken, sweet, gracious, and hospitable. The "Southern Woman", however, is bold, loud, direct, and somewhat controversial. Think of it this way: Southern Lady = Melanie Wilkes; Southern Woman = Scarlett O'Hara. (And if you don't understand these references, rest assured that you are neither).
I always thought it would be so nice to be a Southern Lady. These beautiful and gentle creatures charm anyone and everyone in their midst. But, I've only known a few real, live Southern ladies in my lifetime. One that comes to mind immediately is my good friend Allison's mother, Rena. Rena exemplifies what a Southern Lady should be. She is kind, generous, and an absolute joy to be around. I spent much of my childhood in her home, and I never remember her raising her voice. Not once. And believe me, Allison and I gave her plenty of reason to do so (on more than one occasion).
Unfortunately, being a beautiful, gentle, creature was not in the cards for me. We must work with what we are given, and I was given a loud mouth which I frequently have trouble controlling. That left me with only two possibilities: (1) bitch, or (2) Southern Woman. Thank God I was born below that Mason-Dixon line! Because of this I was raised to be kind and hospitable, to say "hello" to strangers, and to make others feel comfortable and good about themselves whenever possible. I just do so a little louder, and more aggressively, than my counterpart the Southern Lady.
So, as a Southern Woman, I was angered beyond belief when a family member (who shall remain nameless) told me that my struggle with infertility was "embarrassing." I'm not sure whether they meant embarrassing to them, or to me. But either way, it royally pissed me off.
First, it's not embarrassing. I have a genuine hormonal imbalance and medical condition (PCOS) which prevents me from conceiving children naturally. Big F*(king deal! It appears to me that others have a genuine brain disorder which prevents them from thinking intelligently. I won't whisper in the corner about your condition, and I give you permission not to whisper in the corner about mine.
Second, the fact that people continue in this day and age to attach shame to infertility is disgusting to me. It is true, women throughout the years have been left, shunned, and even killed for being unable to conceive. But, the Dark Ages are OVER. The fact is that men are just as likely to be infertile as women. And, I certainly hope we women have come far enough to know that we can be useful and complete persons even without conceiving a child. Come on, people, jeez.
I suppose I cannot be too angry at pure ignorance. I'm sure this particular person, and many others likely, would have preferred that I dealt with this situation the Old Southern Way. Well, that is not me. It's never gonna be me. And, quite honestly, I'm glad it's not me. I'm glad I'm a Southern Woman like my mother and my beloved Grandmother. And, for those of you who don't like it, well, all I can say is "Bless your heart."
“Tough girls come from New York. Sweet girls, they're from Georgia. But us Kentucky girls, we have fire and ice in our blood. We can ride horses, be a debutante, throw left hooks, and drink with the boys, all the while making sweet tea, darlin'. And if we have an opinion, you know you're gonna hear it"
Ashely Judd
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
What a difference a decade makes
It was my first year of law school. Like all those in their first year, I spent most of my time reading, studying, and sleeping. You see, this is the year they "weed you out." If you can make it through the first year, you are pretty much home free.
Aside from passing your finals, you must also pass an oral argument exercise before proceeding to the second year. This is the first time that you as a student must stand in front of your peers, professors, and local professionals, and for lack of better wording: think on your feet. For some to-be attorneys, this is your favorite part of the first year. For others, this is torture. It is a myth that all attorneys like speaking in public. You see, generally, there are two types of us. You have your "thinkers" and your "performers." Not that one attorney can't be both, but for the most part you lean toward one or the other. I am happily grouped in the second category. I hate sitting at my desk. I love being in the courtroom. I like the challenge of thinking on my feet. No, I don't always sound perfect and have been known to fall on my face, but at least it is always exciting. It's always different.
Anyway, for the "Oral Argument" exercise, students are assigned a particular topic to research and and eventually argue orally (of course). You will never guess what my topic was...
Who has rights to and "owns" a frozen embryo in the rapidly developing field of In Vitro Fertilization?
I couldn't make this stuff up.
Although I was already having issues with my period, the thought never crossed my mind that I may one day be receiving this radical-sounding fertility treatment. Despite planning my wedding (my first), I gave little to no thought of the future. I just trudged on, naively assuming everything would always be the same, and that everything would work out exactly as I expected.
Cut to last week, 2011, as I laid in bed pouring over various legal documents and releases for my upcoming Embryo retrieval. As opposed to ten years ago, the process seemed almost natural and anything but foreign. Not nearly as 'radical' as I had imagined back then. When I came to the document concerning ownership rights of the embryo, including in the case of divorce, I sat for a moment thinking of all I've been through since law school. I thought about the young and somewhat clueless girl I once was. I thought about the changes, the mistakes, the blessings, and the unanswered prayers from the last ten years. Laying here with nothing else to do, I have had even more time to think about it. What I've decided is this: Maybe, just maybe, things work out exactly as they should (even if it is not what you expected).
It has been ten long years since I stood and argued the rights of patients, clinics, and the government with respect to a frozen embryo created through IVF. There is at least one thing that hasn't changed over these years: I still love to argue. And, not to brag, but I scored very high in oral argument (as opposed to Tax law and things like that). I don't remember much of what I said back then, but I would be very interested to see how my entire perspective has changed. Now that I have personal experience with IVF, I wonder if I could be even more effective in my argument, or whether my emotion would hinder it.
I am not trying to begin a debate, and I certainly don't want a bunch of emails about abortion rights or what have you. The purpose of this post is NOT to make a political statement. But, I would like to say that my outlook on the subject has changed in one very important respect. Back then, I remember treating/considering the frozen "embryos" to be property. I don't remember if I sympathized with the view that they could just as easily be considered people, or offspring, to the patient's whose rights I was attempting to argue for.
But now, day three after transfer of our two 8-cell embryos, I can promise you that they are most certainly "people" to me and my husband. They are as real to me as they will be (hopefully) on the day of their birth. And God forbid, their loss would be absolutely devastating.
I wish there was a way I could keep from getting this attached so early in the game. This is another cruel joke on us infertile girls by mother nature. Those who conceive naturally don't even know if conception happens, and therefore won't know if implantation fails to occur. Not us. We have to sit with the knowledge that we are so close, but still so far away from realizing this dream.
So, here I sit, wondering what they are doing in there and if they are ok. I wonder how many cells they have formed as of right now and whether they have tried to implant yet. I wonder if they are finding my uterus to be a hospitable environment, and whether there is anything I could do to make it more so. And I wonder if they are boys, girls, or one of each and what they will look like. Will they have their father's eyes? Will they have my hair?
But most of all, I wonder how I will get through this next two weeks without driving myself completely mad. And, finally, I wonder if I can survive whatever comes after that (no matter which way it goes).
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A whop bop a-loo Whop A whop Bam Ooooh
So, day two of bed rest and I have managed to keep from running my husband/nurse maid off completely. He has been the minority with me, my two beautiful bitches Karma and Alley, and Scarlett (ok, Scarlett is actually a boy cat, but he is gay, so that counts) monopolizing the bedroom. And, I think the estrogen ticker must have pushed to the ceiling this morning when one of my besties Allison stopped by. He gladly said 'later' and went off to the Shooting range for a bit. Allison and I had a wonderful chat, and she left some yummy yummy food, and Tom was back just in time to fix me lunch! Suffice it to say, I have had a very difficult day.
In the interest of full disclosure, I must once again include some of the low-down-dirty details that so many of my readers probably don't want to hear. This will be TMI. But again, I want this blog to be helpful to anyone who might go through this in the future, so it must be done...
Since about the 3rd of January, I have been injecting hormones into my body at an alarming rate. I took the pain medicine vicodin all weekend. I have been taking progesterone vaginal suppositories since Saturday morning twice/day. I'm nervous, stressed, and stationary in my bed. What does this add up to? Well, let's just say my legs aren't the only things that aren't moving. That's right - - like awful, awful, awful constipation. (I told you yesterday, my modesty is all but distinct at this point).
I know the men who are reading this (and yes, I know you are out there) have become completely disgusted at this disclosure. I'm sure it is more fun to think of us women as beautiful flowers who never burp, fart, or have a bowel movement. Sorry boys, that girl just doesn't exist. And odds are that if you have children, your wife/girlfriend/baby-momma would laugh in your face if you asked her about it. It's even more likely that if you have children, you already know all of this and much, much, more. I have enough friends who have been pregnant and given birth to know that these bowel interruptions/problems probably won't end with my cessation of vagnial suppositories.
So anyway, I have been eating alot of fruit, drinking alot of water, and taking really disturbing amounts of Fiber-Con and stool softeners. But, this is the real reason I bring this up: Way to add more stress mother nature!! I'm already super-paranoid about the neather region and what is going on down there! I keep on worrying that when all this fiber finally does hit, what the hell else is going to come out!?! We sure did alot of work for me to flush it all down the toilet (sorry, I just couldn't resist). But, according to my research, this is impossible. Have you ever googled "Can you pass implanted embryos when having a bowel movement?" No? Well, I have. First of all, I was surprised at how many women doing IVF have worried about this very thing. Second, the majority of trustworthy sources contend that doing so is impossible. So, I'm just going to choose to believe them.
Just another one of the joys of this journey, I suppose. I ate an apple, bananna, and blueberries for breakfast. I'm currently drinking a pineapple core/OJ smoothie. The pineapple "core" because I read somewhere on the internet that it assists in the implantation process. Whether there is any truth to this, I have absolutely no idea. But hey, it can't hurt, right?
About an hour ago I received some beautiful flowers from Aunt LaLa and Uncle Bean. This made my day. What a wonderful sister and brother in law I have!
So, that is about it for now. Since I'm on bed rest and have re-watched the entire Series "Rome" already, I may even hit you people up twice today. You never know!
Til next time! xoxox
Monday, January 24, 2011
Stick BABIES Stick
They are in!! This morning we sucessfully transferred two (2) very healthy 8-cell embryos back home to my uterus. We had the choice of all eight that fertilized. All of them thrived to become either 8-celled or 7-celled embryos by this morning, day 3 post-retrieval. To give you an idea, the Docs grade the embryos according to the number of cells in which they have divided by day 3. They want to see an embryo divided into 4 to 8 cells (so we were at the top of the heap!).
The procedure was awkward, and damn if those big momma stirrups weren't involved again. Only this time, I was not sedated. I don't know if you have ever had the pleasure, but they make the regular pap smear stirrups look demure. They pull your legs up almost to your stomach, and there is a small dip where your butt goes. Let me tell you, any modesty you have left vanishes fast while you are strapped into those things.
It was really difficult to stay calm and relaxed during the transfer. As if my position weren't bad enough, I'm really not very good about the whole thing. Ask my good friends, I used to come close to passing out during a run of the mill pap smear. No more, of course. A burning desire to conceive plus repeated poking and prodding for the purpose of diagnosis has dulled my fears. But, this was different than the various tests and procedures I went through before. There was so much riding on it!
I took the Xanax this morning like recommended, but I believe I could have taken a whole bottle of it and still have been tense. With every pinch or pressure, instinctively I tensed up (more specifically, my butt tensed up). Then crucial moment came. Doc advised that it was imperative that I stay still and not tense. You see, when they operated on Friday, they measured my uterus to determine the best placement for the embryos. My slightest movement would throw the entire thing off. Talk about pressure!
Tom held my hand tight and maintained steady eye contact with me. He repeated "stay still, stay still, its almost over" in a calming reassuring voice. With the other hand he rubbed my head. I could see in his eyes that he was just as, if not more, nervous than me. But looking at him reminded me why we were doing this and why I long for a family so badly. And, it was because of him that I was finally able to stay still and "relaxed" for the actual implantation. The Doc placed them exactly where he had planned.
Afterward, I was taken back to recovery where I had to remain for approximately 30 minutes.
We texted friends and family and Tom charmed the nursing staff as usual. They gave me my next report date, February 4 for a blood test, and sent us on our way.
As I advised in my last post, Tom concocted a cot for me to lie on for our trip home. As you can see, complete with the dog bed (LOL) and rolled up sleeping bags to elevate my hips. Seriously, I wish I had a picture of me actually lying back there! It was priceless.
So, now, here I am on bed rest for 3 days. I have acupuncture appointments on Wednesday and Friday. Since the embryo will implant approximately 3-4 days after transfer, I figure these are good times to get my juices flowing. Then, the waiting for next Friday. This is what I dread the most.
Tom is being awesome as usual. I just have to sneak when I need to go to the restroom because he gets all out of joint. He even cooked dinner tonight! A minute ago he put his head up to my abdomen and whispered "stick babies stick." This made me laugh. Meanwhile, my mother can't hardly contain her excitement. Our doorbell rang around 9:30 last night and mom ran into the room holding print-outs of cribs and decor for the nursery. She brought over several bags full of fruits and veggies today. (not that I will deny doing my fair share of roaming the internet for baby-loot).
I have a wonderful family, unbelievable friends, and a ready-made support network for these babies. All we need now is for them to stick! Stick Stick Stick!
The procedure was awkward, and damn if those big momma stirrups weren't involved again. Only this time, I was not sedated. I don't know if you have ever had the pleasure, but they make the regular pap smear stirrups look demure. They pull your legs up almost to your stomach, and there is a small dip where your butt goes. Let me tell you, any modesty you have left vanishes fast while you are strapped into those things.
It was really difficult to stay calm and relaxed during the transfer. As if my position weren't bad enough, I'm really not very good about the whole thing. Ask my good friends, I used to come close to passing out during a run of the mill pap smear. No more, of course. A burning desire to conceive plus repeated poking and prodding for the purpose of diagnosis has dulled my fears. But, this was different than the various tests and procedures I went through before. There was so much riding on it!
I took the Xanax this morning like recommended, but I believe I could have taken a whole bottle of it and still have been tense. With every pinch or pressure, instinctively I tensed up (more specifically, my butt tensed up). Then crucial moment came. Doc advised that it was imperative that I stay still and not tense. You see, when they operated on Friday, they measured my uterus to determine the best placement for the embryos. My slightest movement would throw the entire thing off. Talk about pressure!
Tom held my hand tight and maintained steady eye contact with me. He repeated "stay still, stay still, its almost over" in a calming reassuring voice. With the other hand he rubbed my head. I could see in his eyes that he was just as, if not more, nervous than me. But looking at him reminded me why we were doing this and why I long for a family so badly. And, it was because of him that I was finally able to stay still and "relaxed" for the actual implantation. The Doc placed them exactly where he had planned.
Afterward, I was taken back to recovery where I had to remain for approximately 30 minutes.
We texted friends and family and Tom charmed the nursing staff as usual. They gave me my next report date, February 4 for a blood test, and sent us on our way.
As I advised in my last post, Tom concocted a cot for me to lie on for our trip home. As you can see, complete with the dog bed (LOL) and rolled up sleeping bags to elevate my hips. Seriously, I wish I had a picture of me actually lying back there! It was priceless.
So, now, here I am on bed rest for 3 days. I have acupuncture appointments on Wednesday and Friday. Since the embryo will implant approximately 3-4 days after transfer, I figure these are good times to get my juices flowing. Then, the waiting for next Friday. This is what I dread the most.
Tom is being awesome as usual. I just have to sneak when I need to go to the restroom because he gets all out of joint. He even cooked dinner tonight! A minute ago he put his head up to my abdomen and whispered "stick babies stick." This made me laugh. Meanwhile, my mother can't hardly contain her excitement. Our doorbell rang around 9:30 last night and mom ran into the room holding print-outs of cribs and decor for the nursery. She brought over several bags full of fruits and veggies today. (not that I will deny doing my fair share of roaming the internet for baby-loot).
I have a wonderful family, unbelievable friends, and a ready-made support network for these babies. All we need now is for them to stick! Stick Stick Stick!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Nerves down and Hips Up!
Today, my gorgeous Goddaughter Jalynn paid me a visit to wish me luck with the transfer. She even told me that she would babysit my little ones. What a little doll! She is so full of personality! It has been such a joy watching her grow over the last 41/2 years. The funniest ever is when she tells a story. Her eyes get wide and you can just feel her excitement. As she nears the conclusion, her words get quicker and you can almost see her explode with pride. I could listen to her talk all day long and never get tired of it.
What a lucky lady Lori is. And, what a lucky lady I am to be in Jalynn's life. Thank you so much Lori and Jalynn! Your visit definitely lifted my spirits and calmed my nerves today.
And if Jalynn is anything like her mother, she probably will be babysitting by the time she reaches age 11. Lori was ALWAYS oddly responsible when it came to taking care of children. She was a much sought after sitter from a very early age. This is a talent, sadly, I can't say that shared with my best friend. In fact, I was a downright crappy babysitter. Even so, I tried my hand at it as many girls do. The last straw: when one of the girls I was watching drove out of the driveway in her parent's car. Did I mention she was like 10? And then, when I ran out to chase her through the neighborhood, her sister locked me out of the house. Somehow I managed to scare the bejesus out of these little monsters before their parents got home. The car was put back in the garage and I was let back in the house. But this was the very last time I babysat. That is until my Goddaughter and Godson were born. But babysitting them is an absolute pleasure for me. :)
So, tomorrow as many of you are sitting at your desks or going on with your daily chores, I will be having 2 or 3 embryos implanted in my uterus. If you think of it between 10 and 11 a.m., please send up a little prayer/ some positive vibes in hopes that these babies stick!
After the procedure, we will make our way home and I will be on strict bed rest for 3 days. No standing except to go to the restroom. Tom has taken off to wait on me tomorrow and Tuesday. I wonder if I can find a little bell around here...
In closing, I want you to visualize this: Tom wants to create some sort of cot in the back of the car for our trip home with a built-in contraption to elevate my hips a-la the bridge pose in yoga. Now, can you imagine what others on the interstate will think when they look over and see me, ass up in the air, in the next lane? If you hear of any wrecks between Shelbyville and Breckinridge Lane, you can be fairly certain of the cause.
Well, I'm going to take my Xanax and go to bed. They prescribed me one for tonight and one for the morning. The more relaxed I can stay during this procedure, the better.
Wish us luck! Love you guys! xoxo
What a lucky lady Lori is. And, what a lucky lady I am to be in Jalynn's life. Thank you so much Lori and Jalynn! Your visit definitely lifted my spirits and calmed my nerves today.
And if Jalynn is anything like her mother, she probably will be babysitting by the time she reaches age 11. Lori was ALWAYS oddly responsible when it came to taking care of children. She was a much sought after sitter from a very early age. This is a talent, sadly, I can't say that shared with my best friend. In fact, I was a downright crappy babysitter. Even so, I tried my hand at it as many girls do. The last straw: when one of the girls I was watching drove out of the driveway in her parent's car. Did I mention she was like 10? And then, when I ran out to chase her through the neighborhood, her sister locked me out of the house. Somehow I managed to scare the bejesus out of these little monsters before their parents got home. The car was put back in the garage and I was let back in the house. But this was the very last time I babysat. That is until my Goddaughter and Godson were born. But babysitting them is an absolute pleasure for me. :)
So, tomorrow as many of you are sitting at your desks or going on with your daily chores, I will be having 2 or 3 embryos implanted in my uterus. If you think of it between 10 and 11 a.m., please send up a little prayer/ some positive vibes in hopes that these babies stick!
After the procedure, we will make our way home and I will be on strict bed rest for 3 days. No standing except to go to the restroom. Tom has taken off to wait on me tomorrow and Tuesday. I wonder if I can find a little bell around here...
In closing, I want you to visualize this: Tom wants to create some sort of cot in the back of the car for our trip home with a built-in contraption to elevate my hips a-la the bridge pose in yoga. Now, can you imagine what others on the interstate will think when they look over and see me, ass up in the air, in the next lane? If you hear of any wrecks between Shelbyville and Breckinridge Lane, you can be fairly certain of the cause.
Well, I'm going to take my Xanax and go to bed. They prescribed me one for tonight and one for the morning. The more relaxed I can stay during this procedure, the better.
Wish us luck! Love you guys! xoxo
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Excellent Eight!!!!!
Wonderful news this morning!!! The embryologist called to tell us that eight of the eggs fertilized!!! Although it appeared at first that only five were mature enough, when she looked again three more mature eggs were discovered!!! All eight of these eggs were successfully fertilized last night.
One more hurdle cleared, thank Goodness!! We are on schedule to transfer two or three of the fertilized embryos on Monday!! I'm so excited I can hardly stand it!!
I continue to have painful cramping, although I'm trying to discontinue pain meds by tonight. I want to have stopped them completely by the transfer on Monday. Keep praying for us guys! We love you!! Xoxo
One more hurdle cleared, thank Goodness!! We are on schedule to transfer two or three of the fertilized embryos on Monday!! I'm so excited I can hardly stand it!!
I continue to have painful cramping, although I'm trying to discontinue pain meds by tonight. I want to have stopped them completely by the transfer on Monday. Keep praying for us guys! We love you!! Xoxo
Friday, January 21, 2011
The Fabulous Five
Well, I'm home. I'm also armed with a computer and vicodin. Probably not a good idea. Please excuse any misspellings or incomprehensible ramblings.
This morning's surgery was super successful! The Docs were able to retrieve ten eggs from my ovaries. Five of them are still a little bit small, but the other five are Fat and Fabulous!!! Perfectly mature with, according to the embryologist, excellent chances of fertilization.
Tom's sample was likewise fantastic. He had the entire staff rolling (as usual) about the lack of decent reading material in the specimen room. After he went back to do his thing, the nurse came out and laghed about him picking the Russian magazine. She asked if he spoke Russian. I cracked up observing, "I doubt he was planning on reading the articles anyhow." This is the only time I wish I knew how to speak a little Russian. I really wanted to say something in Russian when he came back, but alas, English and simple Spanish is all I can do. And, I speak neither of those languages particularly well.
Of course, I don't recall the surgery. The last thing I remember is commenting that they brought out the "big daddy" stirrups for me. Seriously, those things were frightening. Then, Doc asked me about my four-legged babies. I remember telling them their names, and then I go blank. Next thing I know I am back in recovery.
I'm home now and laying in bed. Tom is being so sweet, he is actually spoiling me rotten. I could definately get used to this, and at some point he will be sorry he started it. He has cleaned the house, done several loads of laundry, gone out to get my meds, and is now getting ready to fix dinner. Everytime he passes by the room he asks, "Baby, do you need anything?" I am truly one of the luckiest ladies on the planet.
There is pain, even with the meds, but it is nothing terrible or life-shattering. It probably would be without the vicodin, but thank Goodness I will never know! I have orders to rest this weekend and prepare for the transfer on Monday. I will get pictures of the embryos we choose to implant on Monday also (They give you pictures of them for your baby book - WOW, I can't believe I might have a baby book soon). I will try to scan them so you can see. I'll have plenty of time on my hands: After Monday's transfer I will be on strict bed rest for 3 days. Only getting out of bed for the bathroom and shower. Yuck.
I am so excited!!! It's difficult to rest because my mind is racing! I really feel like THIS IS IT. I feel like our dreams are coming true. Like the long nightmare of years exploring, searching, crying, that it may finally be coming to an end. Please God, let it be so.
Will check in tomorrow after we hear from the embryologist. xoxo
This morning's surgery was super successful! The Docs were able to retrieve ten eggs from my ovaries. Five of them are still a little bit small, but the other five are Fat and Fabulous!!! Perfectly mature with, according to the embryologist, excellent chances of fertilization.
Tom's sample was likewise fantastic. He had the entire staff rolling (as usual) about the lack of decent reading material in the specimen room. After he went back to do his thing, the nurse came out and laghed about him picking the Russian magazine. She asked if he spoke Russian. I cracked up observing, "I doubt he was planning on reading the articles anyhow." This is the only time I wish I knew how to speak a little Russian. I really wanted to say something in Russian when he came back, but alas, English and simple Spanish is all I can do. And, I speak neither of those languages particularly well.
Of course, I don't recall the surgery. The last thing I remember is commenting that they brought out the "big daddy" stirrups for me. Seriously, those things were frightening. Then, Doc asked me about my four-legged babies. I remember telling them their names, and then I go blank. Next thing I know I am back in recovery.
I'm home now and laying in bed. Tom is being so sweet, he is actually spoiling me rotten. I could definately get used to this, and at some point he will be sorry he started it. He has cleaned the house, done several loads of laundry, gone out to get my meds, and is now getting ready to fix dinner. Everytime he passes by the room he asks, "Baby, do you need anything?" I am truly one of the luckiest ladies on the planet.
There is pain, even with the meds, but it is nothing terrible or life-shattering. It probably would be without the vicodin, but thank Goodness I will never know! I have orders to rest this weekend and prepare for the transfer on Monday. I will get pictures of the embryos we choose to implant on Monday also (They give you pictures of them for your baby book - WOW, I can't believe I might have a baby book soon). I will try to scan them so you can see. I'll have plenty of time on my hands: After Monday's transfer I will be on strict bed rest for 3 days. Only getting out of bed for the bathroom and shower. Yuck.
I am so excited!!! It's difficult to rest because my mind is racing! I really feel like THIS IS IT. I feel like our dreams are coming true. Like the long nightmare of years exploring, searching, crying, that it may finally be coming to an end. Please God, let it be so.
Will check in tomorrow after we hear from the embryologist. xoxo
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Shoot for the Moon...
As the Nurse Practitioner at my RE's office aptly observed, I am (and always will be) an over-achiever. So, why should I expect my ovaries to be any different?
After discussing the results of Monday's ultrasound with family, Tom and I made the decision to go ahead and switch to In Vitro Fertilization. What does this mean you say? HOPE IS BACK! SHE REALLY DOES FLOAT!!! YAY!
In the spirit of education, I have outlined the process below. Warning, this is some major "Weird Science" kinda stuff:
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On Friday, I will undergo a surgical ultrasound-guided procedure where they will retrieve my eggs. Thankfully, I will be "under" through the use of anesthesia and should not feel any pain. During the procedure, a needle is placed through the vaginal opening and into my ovaries. There are no abdominal incisions or suturing. The follicular fluid is drawn up into a test tube to obtain the eggs.
While I am "out" Tom will be busy preparing his, shall I say, sample. After the specimen is produced, the sperm will be prepared for inseminating while the eggs are evaluated. All the eggs that are retrieved will be inseminated to maximize the number of embryos available for transfer. They will be allowed to incubate (aka court one another) overnight. Saturday, each egg is evaluated for evidence of fertilization. If no eggs are fertilized, the laboratory staff will re-inseminate the eggs or perform intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) in hopes of obtaining embryos for transfer. If this is done and fertilization still does not occur, the eggs will be discarded and the remainder of the procedure will be cancelled. (Boo.) The eggs that have fertilized will be allowed to develop for two or more additional days under controlled laboratory conditions before they are transferred back to me. The unused fertilized eggs/ embryos will be frozen and stored for future use if necessary.
Monday, I will return for the embryo transfer procedure. Embryo transfer is a much simpler procedure and anesthesia is not required. The docs will, however, prescribe low-dose anti-anxiety medication to assist me in keeping calm that day. During the procedure, a long, thin catheter containing the embryos and a small amount of fluid will be passed through my cervix into the uterus, where the embryos will be released. 12 days later, I will return for a blood test to see if the procedure took!!!
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As you can see, this procedure is much more involved and thus more costly than our original plan of artificial insemination. However, when we considered the cost/benefit of going directly to IVF, we decided that it was well worth the extra money:
1. The Doctor warned that it could take several cycles of Follitsm to find the right dosage for me. Just as I overproduced on 150 CCs this month, I could have under-produced on a lower dosage next month. These medications cost anywhere from $1000-$1500 for a twelve-day supply. And no, insurance does not cover any of the costs.
2. Artificial Insemination carries with it only a 20% pregnancy success rate. The same as intercourse. Accordingly, it would theoretically take 5 attempts to approach the 100% mark for pregnancy. Each attempt costs approximately $1000-$1500 (in addition to the costs of medication). And no, insurance does not cover any of these either.
3. Although I responded poorly for IUI, my response to the medication was perfect to pursue In Vitro. They want to have as many follicles to choose from as possible. Seeing that I produced over 15 nice, big, mature follicles, it would have been a shame to waste them.
4. IVF's success rate is largely dependent upon the number of embryos transferred and the patient's age. If we transfer 2 embryos, our pregnancy success rate jumps to as high as 65%. As you can see, these odds are a good deal better than that of IUI.
5. All together, the IVF is going to cost us somewhere around $12,000 (looking at this number makes my stomach drop a bit). But this amount includes the medication, initial procedure, AND a second transfer with the frozen eggs if necessary. But, compare this with the success rate and cost of IUI, and this makes alot more sense.
7. As the nurse said, I am an overachiever. I don't like doing anything half-way. I figure if we are ready to do this, we need to get going. We need to give it our very best shot right off the bat. Going in half-torqued never did anybody a bit of good.
6. I feel alot better about this procedure. With the IUI, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just had a really bad feeling that it wouldn't work out. I feel exactly the opposite about this. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, and this is what we were meant to do.
So, I am super excited but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. There is still alot of work to be done, and alot of opportunity for things to go astray. Finally, we are still awaiting word on whether we have been approved for the financing yet (unbelievably, we didn't just have $12,000 sitting around the house ;)). But overall, I feel really positive about this and am looking forward to see what the next few weeks brings!
Thank you again for your prayers and well wishes. Your support and kind words have helped me tremendously over the past few months.
I'll check in Friday (if I'm not too loopy)!
Monday, January 17, 2011
IUI Cancelled
"Real life isn't always going to be perfect or go our way, but the recurring acknowledgement of what is working in our lives can help us not only to survive but surmount our difficulties." Sarah Ban Breathnach
Ultrasound today revealed approximately 15 mature eggs. Needless to say, too many to go forward with artifical insemination, or even timed intercourse.
For the first time in a long while, I don't really have much to say. I'm disappointed. I'm sad. I'm angry.
I know I should focus on the many blessings in my life. It's difficult because I feel like, once again, I have been kicked in the gut and knocked down. I'm desperately looking for the strength to stand myself back up again.
Thanks to everyone for the prayers. I truly appreciate your support and friendship.
Ultrasound today revealed approximately 15 mature eggs. Needless to say, too many to go forward with artifical insemination, or even timed intercourse.
For the first time in a long while, I don't really have much to say. I'm disappointed. I'm sad. I'm angry.
I know I should focus on the many blessings in my life. It's difficult because I feel like, once again, I have been kicked in the gut and knocked down. I'm desperately looking for the strength to stand myself back up again.
Thanks to everyone for the prayers. I truly appreciate your support and friendship.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Politics Aside
I think I do an adequate job describing my own experience with infertility/fertility treatments on this blog. That being said, I acknowledge falling short in conveying the deep emotional void it leaves in one's heart.
Friends who haven't been through this ask me how it feels, and it's as if words fail me. But, ultimately, this emotional void is what drives us to try, and try again, for the family we have been dreaming of.
I may fall short in this endeavor, but former first lady Laura Bush eloquently hits the nail on the head in her memoir "Spoken from the Heart." For those of you who have experienced infertility, I warn you that her words will hit particularly close to home...
"For some years now, the wedding invitations that had once crowded the mailbox had been replaced by shower invites and pink-or-blue-beribboned baby announcements. I bought onesies or rattles, wrapped them in yellow paper, and delivered them to friends. I had done it with a happy wistfulness, believing that someday my time, my baby, would come. George and I had hoped that I would be pregnant by the end of his congressional run. Then we hoped it would be by the time his own father announced his presidential run, then by the presidential primaries, the convention, the general election. But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby.
The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"
Regardless of political orientation, I believe most would agree that Laura Bush executed her post as First Lady with the utmost class and dignity. It is clear from her memoir that she navigated her way through infertility with the same.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Keepin' it Real
One of the reasons I began this blog was to share my experience with friends and family who may have the misfortune of facing a similar struggle in the future. Yes, the statistics show that an overwhelming number of couples experience infertility. But, statistics are cold and hard to relate to. I hope that sharing my personal experience will lessen the feeling of loneliness and inferiority for just one loved one.
Therefore, I committed to sharing the good, bad, and the ugly truth about this process long ago. I usually write about the emotional havoc this process takes on you, but today I want to touch on some of the physical effects the injections have on the body. Some I expected through my research, some I did not. Therefore, my observations below may just be TOO MUCH INFORMATION for some of you, so feel free to vacate now...
So, let's keep it real:
1. My lower abdomen is super swollen. Like, belly-full-of-jelly swollen. Not that I had flat washboard abs to begin with, but my stomach was fairly flat (although soft and plushy ;)). Now it's all swelled with big black bruises. Cute.
2. Big boobs before fertility injections = UNBELIEVABLY big boobs after fertility injections. I really didn't think it was possible for my boobs to get any bigger than they are naturally. Let's face it, I have always been extra-blessed (or more-like cursed) in that department. But they are huge. Disgustingly so. And not only that, but my nipples hurt. I mean seriously, it hurts when my shirt rubs against them. Ugh. I really hate these things (breasts).
3. My ovaries are killing me. I am experiencing really sharp, albeit fast, pains on a fairly regular basis. My doc said this is normal and due to the swelling of my ovaries (which are on overdrive).
4. Since beginning these injections, I have had a constant headache. And I don't mean a dull headache, I mean the kind where my head feels like it is in a vice kind of ache. I know, I know, no big deal you say. Take some extra strength Tylenol/Advil and let it go. Not so fast! I am on a daily does of baby aspirin per my doc, but have been advised to limit taking additional pain relievers as much as possible. So, most days, I just suffer through it as much as possible.
5. To say I am exhausted is an understatement. I could lay down right now and not get out of bed until Monday morning. Easily. Actually, I may just do that (but this is not the point).
6. Finally, my back has been aching. I'm not really sure why this is, but it has to be linked to the hormones. I don't normally have back aches.
So, think about this: We are doing all this to make a baby. Yes, the ovulating and fertilization are must do's in this process, but it all must begin with, well S-E-X. Although we are scheduled for artificial insemination, we are combining this method with the good-old-fashioned wham bam thank you m'am (I told you this may be TMI) to up our chances of conception. Considering the above disclosures, just imagine how sexy I am feeling about right now. Combine this with the fact that I am (admittedly) acting like a bipolar crazy person, and you can see what a recipe for intimacy we have around here. It's such a cruel joke ~ I must take this medication to be fertile, but taking it could not make me feel more unattractive, undesirable, and just crazy in general.
No one said this would be easy and I am finding it even more taxing and difficult than I had imagined. But, I have my fingers crossed that all it will be worthwhile. I pray that the swelling, bruises, and pains will all be forgotten and replaced with memories of a healthy pregnancy and child (or children). Finally, I pray that I can somewhat control my slightly-homicidal, bipolar, mood swings. None of this will be worth anything if I kill (just joking) or run-off everyone I love in the process :)
So, to my wonderful friends and uber-amazing husband, I am so sorry for my mood as of late. Please know that I love you and appreciate you more than you could ever imagine, no matter what hateful words are spewing out of my mouth at any particular minute. Now, that is keepin' it real.
Good News...
We're still in the game! Yesterday's appointment showed just enough eggs in my ovaries. Not too many, not too few!
The final test is Monday. As long as they (ovaries) haven't gone crazy producing over the weekend, we will go forward with artificial insemination next week!
Please keep praying for us to have a chance at getting pregnant this month! Whatever you guys are doing, it seems to be working :)
xoxo
The final test is Monday. As long as they (ovaries) haven't gone crazy producing over the weekend, we will go forward with artificial insemination next week!
Please keep praying for us to have a chance at getting pregnant this month! Whatever you guys are doing, it seems to be working :)
xoxo
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Too SUPER at ovulation? WTF?
Seriously. This is just the most ridiculous, contradictory, asinine thing I've ever heard.
As you know, I started hormone stimulating injections last week. The docs call this treatment program "Superovulation." Superovulation is a term used to describe the drug-induced production of multiple eggs. Normally, a woman ovulates just one egg per cycle. With the use of fertility drugs, she may be able to produce several eggs. Obviously, with the production of several eggs, the risk of multiple births rises.
Accordingly, the protocol for these injections is very stringent, requiring monitoring about every 3-4 days. An uterine ultrasound is performed to monitor the amount of follicles developing within the ovaries. Sometimes the drugs used for superovulation work "too well," leading to the production of too many eggs. This can lead to a potentially fatal condition known as ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, or even more frightening, me becoming the next Octomom.
So, I went back to my RE today to see how I was doing. They took blood work and did an uterine ultrasound. Good news: It is clear that the injections are working. We could clearly see follicles/eggs forming. However, my doc expressed concern that I might be responding too well to the medication. The goal is to produce a few strong eggs, instead of a bunch of weak ones. We won't know for sure until my next appointment whether I have produced too many. But if it turns out that I have, we will have to cancel further treatment this cycle and try again in a couple months.
I understand the reasoning behind cancelling the cycle. I'm not a dog (although I have been called a female one on several occasions), and I don't want to give birth to a litter of anything. Similarly, I don't want to get ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. In addition to the health risks to me from this syndrome, it can actually aggravate infertility. That being said, I cannot express how disappointed I will be if we have to cancel. Canceling will mean more waiting, more tests, more medication, more treatments, and (least important but still a significant consideration) more money that we don't have. But the hardest to take will be this: I began these treatments because I am not able to fully produce eggs and ovulate on my own. To be prevented from going forward because I am now producing too many eggs would be nothing short of devastating. And cruelly ironic.
I tried to take this news in stride today. I tried to keep a smile, and continue thinking positively. But then I heard about two friends who are expecting. I HATE that hearing this wonderful news makes me sad. And I hate it makes me feel jealous and inferior.
All in all, not a great day. Not a horrible day, but not a great one. I should know more Friday. I will be praying that we can proceed with the IUI this month. To my loyal readers and anyone else who happens across this entry: your prayers at this time would also be appreciated. :)
As you know, I started hormone stimulating injections last week. The docs call this treatment program "Superovulation." Superovulation is a term used to describe the drug-induced production of multiple eggs. Normally, a woman ovulates just one egg per cycle. With the use of fertility drugs, she may be able to produce several eggs. Obviously, with the production of several eggs, the risk of multiple births rises.
Accordingly, the protocol for these injections is very stringent, requiring monitoring about every 3-4 days. An uterine ultrasound is performed to monitor the amount of follicles developing within the ovaries. Sometimes the drugs used for superovulation work "too well," leading to the production of too many eggs. This can lead to a potentially fatal condition known as ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, or even more frightening, me becoming the next Octomom.
So, I went back to my RE today to see how I was doing. They took blood work and did an uterine ultrasound. Good news: It is clear that the injections are working. We could clearly see follicles/eggs forming. However, my doc expressed concern that I might be responding too well to the medication. The goal is to produce a few strong eggs, instead of a bunch of weak ones. We won't know for sure until my next appointment whether I have produced too many. But if it turns out that I have, we will have to cancel further treatment this cycle and try again in a couple months.
I understand the reasoning behind cancelling the cycle. I'm not a dog (although I have been called a female one on several occasions), and I don't want to give birth to a litter of anything. Similarly, I don't want to get ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. In addition to the health risks to me from this syndrome, it can actually aggravate infertility. That being said, I cannot express how disappointed I will be if we have to cancel. Canceling will mean more waiting, more tests, more medication, more treatments, and (least important but still a significant consideration) more money that we don't have. But the hardest to take will be this: I began these treatments because I am not able to fully produce eggs and ovulate on my own. To be prevented from going forward because I am now producing too many eggs would be nothing short of devastating. And cruelly ironic.
I tried to take this news in stride today. I tried to keep a smile, and continue thinking positively. But then I heard about two friends who are expecting. I HATE that hearing this wonderful news makes me sad. And I hate it makes me feel jealous and inferior.
All in all, not a great day. Not a horrible day, but not a great one. I should know more Friday. I will be praying that we can proceed with the IUI this month. To my loyal readers and anyone else who happens across this entry: your prayers at this time would also be appreciated. :)
Monday, January 10, 2011
Pass me a drumstick
Ok, it's night four of the hormone injections. I can't really say how they are going; I don't feel any different. It's funny because the first couple of nights I would sit really still after giving myself the shot. I tried to focus on whether I could feel it working. Finally, I laughed at myself and thought, "Damn Amanda, this ain't heroin!" I guess I've watched one too many "Interventions" on A&E...
Although they don't really hurt, they DO leave big horrible bruises on my stomach. I didn't realize this fact until last night when Tom asked me whether the thing on my stomach was a large black bruise or random patch of hair. This question actually extremely insensitive seeing as I am still a little freaked out about pumping so many hormones into my body. There for a minute, I actually considered the possibility that I had what is tantamount to an herb-garden growing out of my stomach. Thank God it was just a bruise. Phew, that was a close one.
So far, I have given myself the first two injections while Tom did the honors the last couple of nights. This brings me to funny story #1 in our active quest for a baby. Last night, I went out to dinner with Ashton and Allison (our semi-monthly girls' dinner). On my way home, I called and asked Tom to prepare the medication for me before I arrived. The process is this: You must load the new needle, dial up your dose, pinch the fat on your belly, clean it with an alcohol swab, and then do the injection. I arrived home to find the follitism pen prep'd and ready to go, resting on my bedside table next to an alcohol pad.
Now rewind to last week: We were out in Louisville (before we started this bland-ass diet) and stopped at BD's Mongolian Grill to eat. I'm not proud of it, but some of my father's odd OCD habits rubbed off on me growing up. I tend to hoard weird things like condiments and plastic utensils. So, when I spotted a bowl full of moist towelettes at BD's, I grabbed two handfuls and stuffed them in my purse. I mean, let's face it, I'm a bit of a klutz and you can never really have enough moist towelettes. They are really handy. Unfortunately, a few of them fell out of my purse when we got home (unbeknownst to me). Tom was nice enough to pick them up and sit them on my bedside table. I'm sure you can see where this is going.
Back to last night. I grabbed a little packet and laid down so Tom could give me the shot. As I ripped open the alcohol pad, I couldn't figure out why I had an instant craving for KFC. I figured it was due to the good-country-cooking deficient nature of this new diet. However, laying there after the injection, I got to looking at the packet in my hand. It read "Fingerbowl." I thought to myself, that is a really weird name for an alcohol pad / medical supply company. Then I looked a little closer and realized I had sterilized my skin with a moist towelette from BD's. Like I said, I couldn't make this crap up.
And I'm still craving KFC damnit.
Although they don't really hurt, they DO leave big horrible bruises on my stomach. I didn't realize this fact until last night when Tom asked me whether the thing on my stomach was a large black bruise or random patch of hair. This question actually extremely insensitive seeing as I am still a little freaked out about pumping so many hormones into my body. There for a minute, I actually considered the possibility that I had what is tantamount to an herb-garden growing out of my stomach. Thank God it was just a bruise. Phew, that was a close one.
So far, I have given myself the first two injections while Tom did the honors the last couple of nights. This brings me to funny story #1 in our active quest for a baby. Last night, I went out to dinner with Ashton and Allison (our semi-monthly girls' dinner). On my way home, I called and asked Tom to prepare the medication for me before I arrived. The process is this: You must load the new needle, dial up your dose, pinch the fat on your belly, clean it with an alcohol swab, and then do the injection. I arrived home to find the follitism pen prep'd and ready to go, resting on my bedside table next to an alcohol pad.
Now rewind to last week: We were out in Louisville (before we started this bland-ass diet) and stopped at BD's Mongolian Grill to eat. I'm not proud of it, but some of my father's odd OCD habits rubbed off on me growing up. I tend to hoard weird things like condiments and plastic utensils. So, when I spotted a bowl full of moist towelettes at BD's, I grabbed two handfuls and stuffed them in my purse. I mean, let's face it, I'm a bit of a klutz and you can never really have enough moist towelettes. They are really handy. Unfortunately, a few of them fell out of my purse when we got home (unbeknownst to me). Tom was nice enough to pick them up and sit them on my bedside table. I'm sure you can see where this is going.
Back to last night. I grabbed a little packet and laid down so Tom could give me the shot. As I ripped open the alcohol pad, I couldn't figure out why I had an instant craving for KFC. I figured it was due to the good-country-cooking deficient nature of this new diet. However, laying there after the injection, I got to looking at the packet in my hand. It read "Fingerbowl." I thought to myself, that is a really weird name for an alcohol pad / medical supply company. Then I looked a little closer and realized I had sterilized my skin with a moist towelette from BD's. Like I said, I couldn't make this crap up.
And I'm still craving KFC damnit.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Peace and Perspective
Admittedly, I spend most of my time on this blog complaining. Complaining about everything from having to endure medical tests to spending too much at the grocery. I think we all get wrapped up in our own lives, our own problems and annoyances, and at times forget to take perspective. Unfortunately, it usually takes a tragic event to bring us back.
My sister's best friend, Stephanie, passed away last night in Jacksonville, FL. Stephanie was an extraordinary person, talented artist, and treasured friend to many. She battled a particularly aggressive form of breast cancer for the past few years, which eventually spread throughout her body. But regardless of diagnosis or treatment, Stephanie exuded an enviable sense of humor and determination through her struggles. I, for one, never detected one ounce of self-pity from her (even though she would have easily been given a pass for it considering her circumstances). The one thing I will remember most about Stephanie is the way she lived. And I mean SHE LIVED. No apologizes, no holding back, and no regrets. She said whatever she wanted, and did anything she pleased. She took the 34 years given to her and ran with them. I think Stephanie would have loved this quote, not only for its humor, but for the truth in its words: "Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”
Sitting here thinking about Stephanie today, I began to feel really guilty for my recent attitude. I have been bitching and complaining about this or that, meanwhile there are so many bigger things going on in this world. On the other hand, I think maybe that is what we are supposed to do. When I read closely, I think that this is what this quote is all about. And I think Stephanie knew. It's not that she never got angry or annoyed about her circumstances, and it's certainly not that she didn't express it, but instead it is that she never allowed her circumstances to define or run her life. That, I think, is the real lesson we should take from her amazing years on this planet. She felt it all: the disappointments, the pain, and the anger; but then she let it go. She refused to allow these negative feelings to take anything but temporary residence within her. She felt them, then promptly threw them out and got back to living. It was truly inspiring watching her navigate her own way.
I want to be more like Stephanie. I want to live without allowing the negative to overtake the positive. I hope that, like her, I can laugh like hell when something is funny, and get good angry when I need to. But, most of all, I hope that I can always remember that the real trick is moving on and living life. Just like Stephanie did.
Finally, Stephanie's extraordinary spirit had one draw back, it allowed family and friends to believe she had a kind of invincibility. Because Stephanie took everything in stride and with humor, many loved ones never understood or accepted the seriousness of her diagnosis. Many of them, including my sister, are confused and devastated today. They can't believe she is gone and don't know how to go on. There is nothing that I, or anyone for that matter, can say to take away their pain. But I think I know what Stephanie would have done. She would have passionately mourned the loss of a friend, but in the end she would have kept on living. She would have kept on laughing and chasing her dreams. I hope her remaining family and friends can do them same in the face of her devastating loss.
I want to close with a quote that gave me comfort as I mourned the loss of my Grandparents: “Love is stronger than death, even though it can't stop death from happening. But no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”
Stephanie's family and friends are on my mind today. I hope they can find peace in knowing that their beloved friend has too found it at long last. I love you all and am so sorry for your loss.
My sister's best friend, Stephanie, passed away last night in Jacksonville, FL. Stephanie was an extraordinary person, talented artist, and treasured friend to many. She battled a particularly aggressive form of breast cancer for the past few years, which eventually spread throughout her body. But regardless of diagnosis or treatment, Stephanie exuded an enviable sense of humor and determination through her struggles. I, for one, never detected one ounce of self-pity from her (even though she would have easily been given a pass for it considering her circumstances). The one thing I will remember most about Stephanie is the way she lived. And I mean SHE LIVED. No apologizes, no holding back, and no regrets. She said whatever she wanted, and did anything she pleased. She took the 34 years given to her and ran with them. I think Stephanie would have loved this quote, not only for its humor, but for the truth in its words: "Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”
Sitting here thinking about Stephanie today, I began to feel really guilty for my recent attitude. I have been bitching and complaining about this or that, meanwhile there are so many bigger things going on in this world. On the other hand, I think maybe that is what we are supposed to do. When I read closely, I think that this is what this quote is all about. And I think Stephanie knew. It's not that she never got angry or annoyed about her circumstances, and it's certainly not that she didn't express it, but instead it is that she never allowed her circumstances to define or run her life. That, I think, is the real lesson we should take from her amazing years on this planet. She felt it all: the disappointments, the pain, and the anger; but then she let it go. She refused to allow these negative feelings to take anything but temporary residence within her. She felt them, then promptly threw them out and got back to living. It was truly inspiring watching her navigate her own way.
I want to be more like Stephanie. I want to live without allowing the negative to overtake the positive. I hope that, like her, I can laugh like hell when something is funny, and get good angry when I need to. But, most of all, I hope that I can always remember that the real trick is moving on and living life. Just like Stephanie did.
Finally, Stephanie's extraordinary spirit had one draw back, it allowed family and friends to believe she had a kind of invincibility. Because Stephanie took everything in stride and with humor, many loved ones never understood or accepted the seriousness of her diagnosis. Many of them, including my sister, are confused and devastated today. They can't believe she is gone and don't know how to go on. There is nothing that I, or anyone for that matter, can say to take away their pain. But I think I know what Stephanie would have done. She would have passionately mourned the loss of a friend, but in the end she would have kept on living. She would have kept on laughing and chasing her dreams. I hope her remaining family and friends can do them same in the face of her devastating loss.
I want to close with a quote that gave me comfort as I mourned the loss of my Grandparents: “Love is stronger than death, even though it can't stop death from happening. But no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”
Stephanie's family and friends are on my mind today. I hope they can find peace in knowing that their beloved friend has too found it at long last. I love you all and am so sorry for your loss.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
No wonder we are all fat!
It's no secret that America is fat in general. I used to think we were all just lazy and spoiled. Now I realize most of us can't afford to be thin!
In the past I have shopped at Whole Foods and the Fresh Market for certain specialty items. For everyday groceries, I went to Kroger or Walmart. Although I bought organic sometimes, I certainly didn't make it a hard-and-fast rule. And yes, my reluctance to go full-throttle with the organic thing was mostly due to the cost. When I stood in the produce aisle and saw that the organic pepper cost almost double the non-organic pepper, I thought to myself "It's just a damn pepper. It's a vegetable. Really, how bad can it be" And I promptly loaded the non-organic and thus budget-friendly pepper into the cart. Not anymore.
The shopping list for our new diet required almost all organic, hormone free foods. Not that I'm surprised. The meal plan is specifically created for those of us suffering from PCOS, a syndrome caused from the fact that our own hormones are completely-whacked. So, It makes sense that because my hormones are already whacked, I should not ingest any outside hormones other than those delivered by my medication. I wanted to buy most of the items at Kroger or Walmart. However, Tom insisted that he doesn't "trust" these stores to be honest about whethter the foods are actually organic. So, off we went with our shopping list to Whole Foods. Geez Louise! I am in sticker shock.
I am absolutely amazed at the amount we paid for ONE WEEK of groceries last night. ONE WEEK! We paid almost the same amount that we usually spend on groceries for a whole month! I almost passed out at the register!
WASHINGTON; FORGET HEALTHCARE! The real regulation needs to happen in the healthy-food section of the Grocery store. Maybe if it were easier to eat healthy we wouldn't need a bunch of healthcare. Seriously, it was just ridiculous.
So, anyway, I was so damn paranoid about this expensive food going bad that we stopped by bed bath and beyond on our way home to buy special organization items for all the fresh veggies. I even bought those green bags you see advertised on TV. I'm sure they are useless, but I am going to do everything I can to protect the small-fortune of an investment that now lives in my fridge.
My main point is this: The infertility thing is crazy expensive. Between the costs of the actual medical treatment and medication (not covered by insurance), and now food, we may quickly find ourselves in the poor house. Wouldn't that be irnoic: If we loose all our money we will qualify for food stamps and therefore get the food for free...Now there is an idea.
As a final thought, I want to share a little inside joke Tom tells me when I start beating myself up over all of this crap. I am sometimes sad that I just can't seem to do this one thing that we women are supposed to do. Not that we are perfect or anything, but we really try to do all the right things. For example, I have been taking pre-natal vitamins for years (my hair and nails are thankful), neither of us smoke (I quit my destructive, but oh so satisfying, part-time habit specifically for our unborn child), we don't really drink alcohol absent a glass of wine with dinner, we don't (nor have ever) done drugs, and now we are eating like rabbits! I sometimes am overwhelmed with it all and need a laugh. That's when Tom tells me his backup plan...
Tom tells me that if after all this modern-medicine we still haven't conceived conceived, he has a fool-proof plan that will have me pregnant in no time. Here it is: We are going to quit our jobs, move to section 8, he is going to keep me stocked with Marabrol Lights and Vodka which I will be free to enjoy barefoot in front of the housing complex, and we will eat nothing but McDonald's and drink nothing but Mountain Dew. He swears that he has witnessed this particular conception method work time and time again. As he says, "I'm telling you, we will have six kids in no time, and all nine months apart."
Keep in mind this little joke comes from a long-time policeman who has seen it all (maybe too much) and now is a bit jaded. But, it still makes me giggle. Wonder if it would work...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Infertility Support Communities = Stress and Paranoia
Navigating through this difficult process I have, from time to time, turned to various online infertility support communities looking for answers. These websites do contain tons of helpful information. However, I am beginning to think they do me more harm than good...
The problem I have with them is this: The members, along with their signatures attached to the posts, list the dates and details of all procedures they have undergone attempting to have a baby. Example taken directly from one of the communities:
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
[Name here]
me: 38
dh: 43
Diagnosis: unexplained infertility
TTC: 4years+
aug.06-may09: ttc naturally(with occational DR check-ups)
May09: first visit with RE
June09: laparoscopy: normal results
sperm analisis: normal results
Dec09: 1st IUI scheduled
Jan2010: IUI cancelled! Too many eggs! Switch to IVF
Jan2010: 13 eggs retrieved; 11 fertilized
Jan 28, 2010: 2, 8 cell embryos transfered:9 frozen
Feb12:
VERY SAD
Apr2010: 1st FET; 2 embryos transfered, 4 die during thaw,3 remain frozen
May05: AGAIN, DEVESTATED
July 2010: started acupuncture and chinese herbs
Aug 2010-present: acupuncture ongoing with chinese herbs.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This morning, Tom and I were laying in bed and I was googling acupuncture and IUI. I wanted to find information on how often to schedule acupuncture treatments in conjunction with the injecible hormones and IUI I will be doing this month. I found a conversation thread directly on point and began reading the many responses. I tried to ignore the time lines, but found it to be impossible.
Unfortunately the example I provided above was one of the least disturbing signatures I found. Many users were on their fifth or sixth IUI, or had done that many (with negative results) and switched to multiple attempts at IVF. Some listed pregnancies and healthy babies, but the overwhelming feeling I got from looking at these things is failure. Failure, failure, failure. Maybe success after years and years and countless pricey procedures, but 9/10 it was failure. Talk about taking the wind out of my sails.
I am scheduled to go to the Doctor on Friday for my baseline testing. The hormone injections (Follistm, or liquid gold if you prefer) are ready to go, sitting next to the mustard in our refrigerator. As soon as they get a baseline on my hormones, I will begin my first round of the injections culminating in the artificial insemination later this month. I was so excited before I saw these signatures this morning. Now all I can think of is failure.
Tom sensed that something was wrong as I got more and more quiet this morning. The further I read, the quicker my spirits sank. Eventually I found myself silently crying in front of the computer. Tom saw this and took it away. He held me close and reminded me how important it was to keep positive. He reminded me that stress and worry will only frustrate our efforts. Finally, he banned me from looking to these sites in the future.
I realize the importance of support and feeling like your not alone. I know that these online communities offer many positive coping mechanisms for those of us going through fertility treatments. But, for me, I think Tom is right. I can't be filling my head with stories of other's failures. As Tom told me, "Everybody's journey is different. Their experiences have nothing to do with ours. You have got to quit willing yourself to fail."
So, I vow to stay away from these so-called helpful websites. They are doing me more harm than good. I am going to call my acupuncturist for advice on scheduling and try like hell to keep positive.
So, as we embark on this journey, please keep us in your prayers. If you have good thoughts, send them our way. If you have my kind of thoughts (sad, paranoid, worried), well just keep them to yourself. We are full up over here. ;)
XOXO, will update Friday!
The problem I have with them is this: The members, along with their signatures attached to the posts, list the dates and details of all procedures they have undergone attempting to have a baby. Example taken directly from one of the communities:
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
[Name here]
me: 38
dh: 43
Diagnosis: unexplained infertility
TTC: 4years+
aug.06-may09: ttc naturally(with occational DR check-ups)
May09: first visit with RE
June09: laparoscopy: normal results
sperm analisis: normal results
Dec09: 1st IUI scheduled
Jan2010: IUI cancelled! Too many eggs! Switch to IVF
Jan2010: 13 eggs retrieved; 11 fertilized
Jan 28, 2010: 2, 8 cell embryos transfered:9 frozen
Feb12:
VERY SAD Apr2010: 1st FET; 2 embryos transfered, 4 die during thaw,3 remain frozen
May05:
AGAIN, DEVESTATEDJuly 2010: started acupuncture and chinese herbs
Aug 2010-present: acupuncture ongoing with chinese herbs.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This morning, Tom and I were laying in bed and I was googling acupuncture and IUI. I wanted to find information on how often to schedule acupuncture treatments in conjunction with the injecible hormones and IUI I will be doing this month. I found a conversation thread directly on point and began reading the many responses. I tried to ignore the time lines, but found it to be impossible.
Unfortunately the example I provided above was one of the least disturbing signatures I found. Many users were on their fifth or sixth IUI, or had done that many (with negative results) and switched to multiple attempts at IVF. Some listed pregnancies and healthy babies, but the overwhelming feeling I got from looking at these things is failure. Failure, failure, failure. Maybe success after years and years and countless pricey procedures, but 9/10 it was failure. Talk about taking the wind out of my sails.
I am scheduled to go to the Doctor on Friday for my baseline testing. The hormone injections (Follistm, or liquid gold if you prefer) are ready to go, sitting next to the mustard in our refrigerator. As soon as they get a baseline on my hormones, I will begin my first round of the injections culminating in the artificial insemination later this month. I was so excited before I saw these signatures this morning. Now all I can think of is failure.
Tom sensed that something was wrong as I got more and more quiet this morning. The further I read, the quicker my spirits sank. Eventually I found myself silently crying in front of the computer. Tom saw this and took it away. He held me close and reminded me how important it was to keep positive. He reminded me that stress and worry will only frustrate our efforts. Finally, he banned me from looking to these sites in the future.
I realize the importance of support and feeling like your not alone. I know that these online communities offer many positive coping mechanisms for those of us going through fertility treatments. But, for me, I think Tom is right. I can't be filling my head with stories of other's failures. As Tom told me, "Everybody's journey is different. Their experiences have nothing to do with ours. You have got to quit willing yourself to fail."
So, I vow to stay away from these so-called helpful websites. They are doing me more harm than good. I am going to call my acupuncturist for advice on scheduling and try like hell to keep positive.
So, as we embark on this journey, please keep us in your prayers. If you have good thoughts, send them our way. If you have my kind of thoughts (sad, paranoid, worried), well just keep them to yourself. We are full up over here. ;)
XOXO, will update Friday!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Happy New Year!
Well, it's 2011 and I am OFFICIALLY Amanda Cypert. Tom and I were legally married on December 31, 2010. Words cannot express how wonderful it feels to finally be Tom's wife. We have wanted it for so long, and the fact that it is official brings me such peace.
And Mr. and Mrs. Cypert are wasting no time in trying to produce a mini-Cypert. I will be visiting Dr. X this week to begin 'superovulation' using hormone injections. In less than two weeks we will attempt our first IUI (Artificial Insemination). My reaction to the hormone medications will be monitored closely by the clinic. We certainly don't want an octo-mom situation around here (although twins would be welcome)...
I try not to put additional preassure on myself and take one day at a time. Despite that, part of me is overwhelmed by the thought that I could actually be pregnant within just a few weeks!! Another part of me is even more overwhelmed by the prospect of not being pregnant within a few weeks of today. It is alot of pressure, emotionally and financially, and I pray to God we are blessed in the process.
But today, I am so happy and content just to be with my *Husband*. Whatever happens during this process, I know we will get through it together. I hope all reading this blog are just as excited and happy to begin this New Year as we are at the Cypert home :)
I'll update later this week after Dr. appointment.
And Mr. and Mrs. Cypert are wasting no time in trying to produce a mini-Cypert. I will be visiting Dr. X this week to begin 'superovulation' using hormone injections. In less than two weeks we will attempt our first IUI (Artificial Insemination). My reaction to the hormone medications will be monitored closely by the clinic. We certainly don't want an octo-mom situation around here (although twins would be welcome)...
I try not to put additional preassure on myself and take one day at a time. Despite that, part of me is overwhelmed by the thought that I could actually be pregnant within just a few weeks!! Another part of me is even more overwhelmed by the prospect of not being pregnant within a few weeks of today. It is alot of pressure, emotionally and financially, and I pray to God we are blessed in the process.
But today, I am so happy and content just to be with my *Husband*. Whatever happens during this process, I know we will get through it together. I hope all reading this blog are just as excited and happy to begin this New Year as we are at the Cypert home :)
I'll update later this week after Dr. appointment.
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