It was my first year of law school. Like all those in their first year, I spent most of my time reading, studying, and sleeping. You see, this is the year they "weed you out." If you can make it through the first year, you are pretty much home free.
Aside from passing your finals, you must also pass an oral argument exercise before proceeding to the second year. This is the first time that you as a student must stand in front of your peers, professors, and local professionals, and for lack of better wording: think on your feet. For some to-be attorneys, this is your favorite part of the first year. For others, this is torture. It is a myth that all attorneys like speaking in public. You see, generally, there are two types of us. You have your "thinkers" and your "performers." Not that one attorney can't be both, but for the most part you lean toward one or the other. I am happily grouped in the second category. I hate sitting at my desk. I love being in the courtroom. I like the challenge of thinking on my feet. No, I don't always sound perfect and have been known to fall on my face, but at least it is always exciting. It's always different.
Anyway, for the "Oral Argument" exercise, students are assigned a particular topic to research and and eventually argue orally (of course). You will never guess what my topic was...
Who has rights to and "owns" a frozen embryo in the rapidly developing field of In Vitro Fertilization?
I couldn't make this stuff up.
Although I was already having issues with my period, the thought never crossed my mind that I may one day be receiving this radical-sounding fertility treatment. Despite planning my wedding (my first), I gave little to no thought of the future. I just trudged on, naively assuming everything would always be the same, and that everything would work out exactly as I expected.
Cut to last week, 2011, as I laid in bed pouring over various legal documents and releases for my upcoming Embryo retrieval. As opposed to ten years ago, the process seemed almost natural and anything but foreign. Not nearly as 'radical' as I had imagined back then. When I came to the document concerning ownership rights of the embryo, including in the case of divorce, I sat for a moment thinking of all I've been through since law school. I thought about the young and somewhat clueless girl I once was. I thought about the changes, the mistakes, the blessings, and the unanswered prayers from the last ten years. Laying here with nothing else to do, I have had even more time to think about it. What I've decided is this: Maybe, just maybe, things work out exactly as they should (even if it is not what you expected).
It has been ten long years since I stood and argued the rights of patients, clinics, and the government with respect to a frozen embryo created through IVF. There is at least one thing that hasn't changed over these years: I still love to argue. And, not to brag, but I scored very high in oral argument (as opposed to Tax law and things like that). I don't remember much of what I said back then, but I would be very interested to see how my entire perspective has changed. Now that I have personal experience with IVF, I wonder if I could be even more effective in my argument, or whether my emotion would hinder it.
I am not trying to begin a debate, and I certainly don't want a bunch of emails about abortion rights or what have you. The purpose of this post is NOT to make a political statement. But, I would like to say that my outlook on the subject has changed in one very important respect. Back then, I remember treating/considering the frozen "embryos" to be property. I don't remember if I sympathized with the view that they could just as easily be considered people, or offspring, to the patient's whose rights I was attempting to argue for.
But now, day three after transfer of our two 8-cell embryos, I can promise you that they are most certainly "people" to me and my husband. They are as real to me as they will be (hopefully) on the day of their birth. And God forbid, their loss would be absolutely devastating.
I wish there was a way I could keep from getting this attached so early in the game. This is another cruel joke on us infertile girls by mother nature. Those who conceive naturally don't even know if conception happens, and therefore won't know if implantation fails to occur. Not us. We have to sit with the knowledge that we are so close, but still so far away from realizing this dream.
So, here I sit, wondering what they are doing in there and if they are ok. I wonder how many cells they have formed as of right now and whether they have tried to implant yet. I wonder if they are finding my uterus to be a hospitable environment, and whether there is anything I could do to make it more so. And I wonder if they are boys, girls, or one of each and what they will look like. Will they have their father's eyes? Will they have my hair?
But most of all, I wonder how I will get through this next two weeks without driving myself completely mad. And, finally, I wonder if I can survive whatever comes after that (no matter which way it goes).
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