Despite all I know about my body and it's reproductive limits. Despite the fact that I am currently on birth control (for regulatory and treatment purposes). Despite all my common sense. Hope, the fairy, fought her way up this weekend, so much so that I took an EPT this morning.
I am about four days late. In normal Amanda world, this is nothing. But when taking the BC pill, I am traditionally regular. So, as days came and went this Holiday weekend with no sign of my period, I became increasingly suspicious. Every minor stomach ache I've had the past couple weeks took on brand new meaning. The fact that I have been sleeping more than usual went from a sign of exhaustion to something else. Could it be? Could this be the answer to my prayers? Could God be throwing me a curve ball?
And there she was, Hope. I hadn't seen her in a while but she was just as pink cheeked and chipper as ever. "You never know" she chirped as flew around my head, "It happens all the time!" The realist in me said, "Yeah, but not to me." She counters, "Oh! That's not the way to think. Stranger things have happened." And then, she really starts on a roll: "Wouldn't this be great?!? What a wonderful Christmas present! We could plan a special presentation when the family is in town, Oh my Goodness they would be so shocked and excited!!!! I think I remember seeing a website where we can order a stork..." Blah Blah Blah.
Well, she just wouldn't shut up once she started. So, this morning against my better judgment, I made the trip to Walmart to get the test. Sitting there, waiting for that little line to appear or not to appear, my stomach was in knots. I felt flushed, excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time. Then it happened. No plus ~ just that lonely little minus that I have seen so many times. Once again, my heart was broken.
I'm not sure why or how I had myself convinced that it could be positive. I'm generally a smart and practical girl. The odds were just too great against it. It was unreasonable to believe. And it was reckless. The thing about allowing myself to travel down that particular fantasy road is that I must suffer the blow when I'm dropped back into reality. Despite all that I know now, it is just as difficult to see it there again, in purple and white. That stupid little stick, so smug and all-knowing. That damn minus sign is like a kick in the gut.
And Hope, I haven't seen her since. She has disappeared again. I assume she has gone back to her little fantasy world, leaving me here all alone with the stupid stick. I hope that bitch breaks a wing or something.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Ode to a Man
I have been asked why I fell so hard and fast for Tom. Aside from his handsome facade, beautiful blue eyes, salt and pepper (mostly salt :)) hair, and strong body, there is so much more to this man than meets the eye. Not to detract from his agreeable physical characteristics (of which there are many in my view), but the man I fell in love with is so much more....
...When I talk, he listens. He wants to know my opinions, my thoughts, my feelings. He doesn't mind when I get all "rilled up" about this or that. He makes me feel like I am not that crazy for getting too involved in a work problem or the latest political debate. What's more, he responds. He shares his view and actively participates in helping me solve the latest problem. He is a true partner. Which, in my view, is what man should be.
...He makes me feel special. I can't remember one single day when he failed to tell me that he thinks I am beautiful. He leaves me sweet little notes and sends me emails during the work day. The one I got yesterday said simply "Did you know that you still take my breath away?" My lazy ass was still in bed when he sent this sweet message (he works first shift). But rest assured, it absolutely made my day when I finally woke up and read it. It may seem shallow to some, but this type of thing is important to me. I know what it's like to feel, well, invisible. His daily expression of admiration for me is stunningly sexy.
...He helps around the house. Or, should I say he does most of the house work? It's kind of a toss up. I swear this is true: I have not done laundry since the man moved in. This of course is no problem for me. I hate laundry. Daily, I come home from work to find him vacuuming, straightening, and cleaning the house. I swear it's the military in him. Whatever it is, I'm good with it. And, not that I don't clean. But I certainly can't represent that I do most of the work. We share it. And I love that about him.
...He supports me no matter what. I could come up with the most outrageous, outlandish, absurd dream out there and he would be game. I could say "I want to move to Australia to raise kangaroos" and he would start looking for property. That is just how he is. Last year, I left the house one morning for work and came home two hours later unemployed. I quit my job. Just like that. Without another job. Without another plan. When I told him, he said, "I knew you were going to quit anyways. Who cares? What do you want to do? We will make it happen." Never mind that we had lost half our income in a down economy. If I thought that was what I needed to do, then so be it. He was in. This kind of loyalty is seldom found and should be treasured.
...He lets me feel, he lets me express, and he comforts me after. Believe it or not, I am not that open of a person. I have traditionally had problems expressing my feelings. My opinions, no, my feelings, yes. Something about Tom makes me feel safe enough to do this. This has been especially important when facing my reproductive challenges. I used to be so hesitant to even acknowledge, much less discuss, my infertility. It's like Tom is my safe space.
Here's hoping he is the father of my children
...When I talk, he listens. He wants to know my opinions, my thoughts, my feelings. He doesn't mind when I get all "rilled up" about this or that. He makes me feel like I am not that crazy for getting too involved in a work problem or the latest political debate. What's more, he responds. He shares his view and actively participates in helping me solve the latest problem. He is a true partner. Which, in my view, is what man should be.
...He makes me feel special. I can't remember one single day when he failed to tell me that he thinks I am beautiful. He leaves me sweet little notes and sends me emails during the work day. The one I got yesterday said simply "Did you know that you still take my breath away?" My lazy ass was still in bed when he sent this sweet message (he works first shift). But rest assured, it absolutely made my day when I finally woke up and read it. It may seem shallow to some, but this type of thing is important to me. I know what it's like to feel, well, invisible. His daily expression of admiration for me is stunningly sexy.
...He helps around the house. Or, should I say he does most of the house work? It's kind of a toss up. I swear this is true: I have not done laundry since the man moved in. This of course is no problem for me. I hate laundry. Daily, I come home from work to find him vacuuming, straightening, and cleaning the house. I swear it's the military in him. Whatever it is, I'm good with it. And, not that I don't clean. But I certainly can't represent that I do most of the work. We share it. And I love that about him.
...He supports me no matter what. I could come up with the most outrageous, outlandish, absurd dream out there and he would be game. I could say "I want to move to Australia to raise kangaroos" and he would start looking for property. That is just how he is. Last year, I left the house one morning for work and came home two hours later unemployed. I quit my job. Just like that. Without another job. Without another plan. When I told him, he said, "I knew you were going to quit anyways. Who cares? What do you want to do? We will make it happen." Never mind that we had lost half our income in a down economy. If I thought that was what I needed to do, then so be it. He was in. This kind of loyalty is seldom found and should be treasured.
...He lets me feel, he lets me express, and he comforts me after. Believe it or not, I am not that open of a person. I have traditionally had problems expressing my feelings. My opinions, no, my feelings, yes. Something about Tom makes me feel safe enough to do this. This has been especially important when facing my reproductive challenges. I used to be so hesitant to even acknowledge, much less discuss, my infertility. It's like Tom is my safe space.
Here's hoping he is the father of my children
Friday, November 26, 2010
The Security Blanket
We had our FIRST SNOW of the season last night!!!! What a perfect beginning to the holiday season.
I'm somewhat of an oddity in that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE snow. I'm not ashamed to admit that the childhood excitement surrounding "snow days" has never left me. So, winter after winter, I instantly revert back to an eight year old little girl with the falling of the first flake. The only down side I can see to snow is that it causes me to miss my litle sis even more than usual.
Some of my fondest childhood memories are set in the winter. Laura and I used to squeeze over the top of one of the heat returns in our old house, cover up with a blanket, and lay there all night watching the snow fall. Periodically, we took turns leaving our warm little snuggle sanctuary to run into the kitchen and ask dad whether school had been called off yet. He, as many of you would remember, spent most nights in the kitchen watching television and listening to the radio (yes, at the same time). Now an entire book, much less blog, could be dedicated to the oddities and habits of my father, but this is one we could never understand. How could he listen to the television and talk radio at the same time? I have no idea. But, "snow days" were the one time this confusing and annoying habit actually came in handy. When the word came out, he would be one of the first to know. And sure enough, when that unlucky sister came running back to get under the blanket again, she was always met by the other who had kept her spot warm and ready for her return.
My sister and I did not have a perfect childhood by any means. We had our share of problems within our home. For every wonderful memory, there is a hurtful one there too. Our family, like so many others, was plagued by substance abuse and dysfunction. But age has taught me that no one family is perfect. This fact is true no matter how good some are at hiding it. At the end of the day, the overwhelming consistency in my childhood was love. I was a loved child. My family may have been crazy and dysfunctional, but overall, the crazies were a loving bunch and to me this was more than enough.
My sister and I are closer now that we have ever been. I feel so fortunate to have her. When I think of what it would like to be an only child, to not have someone to share our family's joys and sorrows with, it is truly unimaginable to me. As an adult, I have come to realize the magic and blessing of a sibling relationship. You take care of eachother. But, what is more impressive to me is that when I look back, we were doing it as children too. We did it instinctively. Without even knowing it.
Today, I know anytime that I feel cold or lonely, my sister is just a phone call away. She is still sitting over that heat vent, holding my side of the blanket up, saying "come on in", and always ready to shelter me from the cold. I can only hope that if I am able to have one child that I can have another so that he or she can experience this truly remarkable lifelong relationship.
Thank you Laura for continuing to be a source of support and love. You continue to inspire me. I can't wait to see you and Ben at Christus. xoxo I love you :)
I'm somewhat of an oddity in that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE snow. I'm not ashamed to admit that the childhood excitement surrounding "snow days" has never left me. So, winter after winter, I instantly revert back to an eight year old little girl with the falling of the first flake. The only down side I can see to snow is that it causes me to miss my litle sis even more than usual.
Some of my fondest childhood memories are set in the winter. Laura and I used to squeeze over the top of one of the heat returns in our old house, cover up with a blanket, and lay there all night watching the snow fall. Periodically, we took turns leaving our warm little snuggle sanctuary to run into the kitchen and ask dad whether school had been called off yet. He, as many of you would remember, spent most nights in the kitchen watching television and listening to the radio (yes, at the same time). Now an entire book, much less blog, could be dedicated to the oddities and habits of my father, but this is one we could never understand. How could he listen to the television and talk radio at the same time? I have no idea. But, "snow days" were the one time this confusing and annoying habit actually came in handy. When the word came out, he would be one of the first to know. And sure enough, when that unlucky sister came running back to get under the blanket again, she was always met by the other who had kept her spot warm and ready for her return.
My sister and I did not have a perfect childhood by any means. We had our share of problems within our home. For every wonderful memory, there is a hurtful one there too. Our family, like so many others, was plagued by substance abuse and dysfunction. But age has taught me that no one family is perfect. This fact is true no matter how good some are at hiding it. At the end of the day, the overwhelming consistency in my childhood was love. I was a loved child. My family may have been crazy and dysfunctional, but overall, the crazies were a loving bunch and to me this was more than enough.
My sister and I are closer now that we have ever been. I feel so fortunate to have her. When I think of what it would like to be an only child, to not have someone to share our family's joys and sorrows with, it is truly unimaginable to me. As an adult, I have come to realize the magic and blessing of a sibling relationship. You take care of eachother. But, what is more impressive to me is that when I look back, we were doing it as children too. We did it instinctively. Without even knowing it.
Today, I know anytime that I feel cold or lonely, my sister is just a phone call away. She is still sitting over that heat vent, holding my side of the blanket up, saying "come on in", and always ready to shelter me from the cold. I can only hope that if I am able to have one child that I can have another so that he or she can experience this truly remarkable lifelong relationship.
Thank you Laura for continuing to be a source of support and love. You continue to inspire me. I can't wait to see you and Ben at Christus. xoxo I love you :)
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thanks-giving.
Thanks-giving. Present-tense. At its simplest it means to be thankful for what you have been given thus far in your life. Our anncestors honored Thanksgiving to celebrate a bountiful harvest. Thankfully, today most of us do not have to worry about starving to death over the winter. But we should likewise use this time to give thanks for our current blessings...
Bills, everyday to-dos, personal problems, and other worries have a way of making us forget about our blessings in the now. These last couple weeks, I have allowed myself to fall into this trap. I suppose this is only natural. As Tom and I are getting closer to being "cleared" for actual fertility treatment (injections/AI), it is becoming more of a reality that we will have to figure out how to pay for such treatment. And so everyday I cringe as I pull another bill from the mailbox. I constantly dwell on one thought: After all this work figuring out what is wrong with me, how in the world are we going to pay for the actual treatments? And if somehow we figure out how to, will they work?
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I de-value all of the blessings I have been given by focusing so much on the future unknown? Not only is this behavior wasteful, it is also destructive. It prevents me from living in the moment and enjoying the happiness that is now. I am in love with a man who makes me smile from morning until night, we are getting married, we have a nice home, we have three beautiful healthy animals, our families are healthy, and we are keeping up with the bills (even if not ahead): so why must I constantly try and squash my own happiness by worrying about the future?
It's not that I am saying we should not think about the future at all. Planning for the future is important. But, I am drawing the line when these worries negatively effect my present mood.
I thank the love of my life for helping me realize this important lesson. He is constantly reminding me of what is going right...and this is just one of the things for which I am Thankful this Holiday season.
Bills, everyday to-dos, personal problems, and other worries have a way of making us forget about our blessings in the now. These last couple weeks, I have allowed myself to fall into this trap. I suppose this is only natural. As Tom and I are getting closer to being "cleared" for actual fertility treatment (injections/AI), it is becoming more of a reality that we will have to figure out how to pay for such treatment. And so everyday I cringe as I pull another bill from the mailbox. I constantly dwell on one thought: After all this work figuring out what is wrong with me, how in the world are we going to pay for the actual treatments? And if somehow we figure out how to, will they work?
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I de-value all of the blessings I have been given by focusing so much on the future unknown? Not only is this behavior wasteful, it is also destructive. It prevents me from living in the moment and enjoying the happiness that is now. I am in love with a man who makes me smile from morning until night, we are getting married, we have a nice home, we have three beautiful healthy animals, our families are healthy, and we are keeping up with the bills (even if not ahead): so why must I constantly try and squash my own happiness by worrying about the future?
It's not that I am saying we should not think about the future at all. Planning for the future is important. But, I am drawing the line when these worries negatively effect my present mood.
I thank the love of my life for helping me realize this important lesson. He is constantly reminding me of what is going right...and this is just one of the things for which I am Thankful this Holiday season.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Bridal brainstorm
So, the invitations (not that we are actually inviting anyone but family) have been ordered and the date has been set. We are getting married on December 31, 2010. Yay! We are having a small, inimate, gathering at home with just our family and close-close friends. Maybe like 20 people in all.
We had been going back and forth about whether to elope or have a ceremony with our families. In the end, though, our families are just too important and supportive of us to leave behind. So, since most of our family will be in for the holidays, we decided to plan an in-home celebration on New Year's Eve. To make it extra-festive, we are doing a Murder Mystery-style dinner afterward. We thought both our families would get a kick out of this, not to mention they have a flair for the dramatics. :)
So, the theme is "Old Hollywood" and the murder mystery game is set in the 1940's. I have my dress, which is a vintage-style, very dramatic, ivory gown (I know, I know, I said no ivory. But seriously, I just fell in love with this damn thing). The invitations instruct all guests to wear appropriate "Old Hollywood glamour" attire. I now need ideas on decorations, etc. Nothing too fancy. Mostly, this is just a family gathering with a wedding cermony attached. But, I do want to make it fun and festive. Any ideas out there?
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Good News!!!
Ok, stellar news today :) The Provera worked and I don't have to have another D&C!!!!! Yippeeee :)
The vaginal ultrasound showed much improvement as to the thickness of my uterine walls. Dr. X said they looked "really good." This is the first time those two words have come out of a doctor's mouth referring to anything having to do with my fertility!
So, the next and last step before proceeding with fertility meds is a dye test in my tubes. Not that Dr. X anticipates a problem per se with my tubes; but he wants to rule that out as an additional source of trouble. So, assuming that the tube test comes out ok, we could be actively trying to get pregnant by the new year. :) :)
Thanks for all the prayers and good thoughts you have all sent my way!!!!! xoxo
The vaginal ultrasound showed much improvement as to the thickness of my uterine walls. Dr. X said they looked "really good." This is the first time those two words have come out of a doctor's mouth referring to anything having to do with my fertility!
So, the next and last step before proceeding with fertility meds is a dye test in my tubes. Not that Dr. X anticipates a problem per se with my tubes; but he wants to rule that out as an additional source of trouble. So, assuming that the tube test comes out ok, we could be actively trying to get pregnant by the new year. :) :)
Thanks for all the prayers and good thoughts you have all sent my way!!!!! xoxo
Judgment Day...
The day is finally here. We haven't seen Dr.X since September, and this afternoon we will learn whether our efforts over the past couple of months have paid off.
As you know, I have finished two 7-day long rounds of Provera. During my last vaginal ultrasound, Dr. X stated that the walls of my uterus were still too thick to allow proper implantation. The thickness of my uterine walls is actually a buildup of gross stuff I won't even mention here, but suffice is to say the culprit is my hormonal imbalance/PCOS. Two years ago and prior to being treated by Dr. X, I had to have a surgical procedure (D&C) to remedy this condition. However, Dr. X wants to avoid another surgical procedure because this could cause scarring, adding to my already overwhelming fertility challenges. So, the oral meds "Provera" were meant as a substitute for the procedure. Today, we see whether the two-rounds of Provera cleaned me out well enough, or whether another surgery is imminent.
I'm extremely nervous going back in there. First, I am so scared that we will have to do another D&C. Although I felt like the first round of provera did its job, I'm really not so sure about the second. Also, I'm just so nervous to face Dr. X. Last time we were there, he gave us some 'homework.' One of my assignments was to try and shape up/shed some pounds. The complete opposite has occurred. I have gained weight since we were last in. I'm so frustrated with myself! Tom & I were talking the other day, and I actually think I eat to overcome my anxiety. I'm certainly not depressed, being that I'm happier than I have ever been. But, I have extremely high anxiety these days. It's not all due to fertility/infertility issues, although much of it can be traced back to that. It is also the stress of owning my own business, worrying about finances/bills, and all the other things that we everyday people have to deal with. Anytime I find myself worried/anxious, I am reaching for something to eat. That is if I'm hungry or not! Urggg! It annoys me so much.
I am beginning a "boot camp" next week and hopefully that will help me shed some of these pounds. But, how to deal with the anxiety? Any ideas?
"If pleasures are greatest in anticipation, just remember that this is also true of trouble." Elbert Hubbard
As you know, I have finished two 7-day long rounds of Provera. During my last vaginal ultrasound, Dr. X stated that the walls of my uterus were still too thick to allow proper implantation. The thickness of my uterine walls is actually a buildup of gross stuff I won't even mention here, but suffice is to say the culprit is my hormonal imbalance/PCOS. Two years ago and prior to being treated by Dr. X, I had to have a surgical procedure (D&C) to remedy this condition. However, Dr. X wants to avoid another surgical procedure because this could cause scarring, adding to my already overwhelming fertility challenges. So, the oral meds "Provera" were meant as a substitute for the procedure. Today, we see whether the two-rounds of Provera cleaned me out well enough, or whether another surgery is imminent.
I'm extremely nervous going back in there. First, I am so scared that we will have to do another D&C. Although I felt like the first round of provera did its job, I'm really not so sure about the second. Also, I'm just so nervous to face Dr. X. Last time we were there, he gave us some 'homework.' One of my assignments was to try and shape up/shed some pounds. The complete opposite has occurred. I have gained weight since we were last in. I'm so frustrated with myself! Tom & I were talking the other day, and I actually think I eat to overcome my anxiety. I'm certainly not depressed, being that I'm happier than I have ever been. But, I have extremely high anxiety these days. It's not all due to fertility/infertility issues, although much of it can be traced back to that. It is also the stress of owning my own business, worrying about finances/bills, and all the other things that we everyday people have to deal with. Anytime I find myself worried/anxious, I am reaching for something to eat. That is if I'm hungry or not! Urggg! It annoys me so much.
I am beginning a "boot camp" next week and hopefully that will help me shed some of these pounds. But, how to deal with the anxiety? Any ideas?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Say cheese!
If you know me, then you must also know my sister. We are two halves of one whole. We are opposites in many ways, though our differences tend to compliment each other. Whatever skills/attributes I lack, she has in abundance, and visa versa. We have battled and fought in the past like most sisters; But we always come back to one another. When it comes down to it, she can't lose me. And I know, for certain, that I can't lose her.
She came to town in mid-October shortly after Tom and I announced our engagement. As a quasi-engagement gift, she took some photos of us when she was here. This may not sound like much, but let me assure you this was an extremely precious gift. First of all, she is AMAZINGLY talented. It is not everyday that one gets the opportunity to be photographed by someone like her. Second of all, she was booked solid with paying clients during her stay. For her to donate the time and energy to take these photos of us was such an honor. Finally, the photographs will always be treasured by us not only because they symbolize our love, but also because we had an absolute blast taking them!!! Having someone that I love and trust take these photos meant more to me than anything. So are some of the best!!!!
I think this is my fav :)
This was taken outside mom's house. She just finished building an outdoor oasis which includes a fireplace, plenty of cozy furniture, and soon to come a hot tub. She has dreamed all her life of having something like this, but has always spent any extra money she had on my sister and me. This picture is special to me because it is proof that both of our dreams have come true.
Handsome devil. I love his look here.
She came to town in mid-October shortly after Tom and I announced our engagement. As a quasi-engagement gift, she took some photos of us when she was here. This may not sound like much, but let me assure you this was an extremely precious gift. First of all, she is AMAZINGLY talented. It is not everyday that one gets the opportunity to be photographed by someone like her. Second of all, she was booked solid with paying clients during her stay. For her to donate the time and energy to take these photos of us was such an honor. Finally, the photographs will always be treasured by us not only because they symbolize our love, but also because we had an absolute blast taking them!!! Having someone that I love and trust take these photos meant more to me than anything. So are some of the best!!!!
I think this is my fav :)
He always kisses my forehead. I find it so endearing.
This was taken outside mom's house. She just finished building an outdoor oasis which includes a fireplace, plenty of cozy furniture, and soon to come a hot tub. She has dreamed all her life of having something like this, but has always spent any extra money she had on my sister and me. This picture is special to me because it is proof that both of our dreams have come true.
Handsome devil. I love his look here.
Hope you enjoyed them!!!! xoxo
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Home is really where the heart is...
Back home and back to reality! The girls and I had a WONDERFUL getaway. We relaxed, laughed, and most of all talked. I return feeling like all of our friendships have been strengthened and renewed. I am so thankful for my girlfriends.
That being said, today was a bitter-sweet homecoming. My doggies, bed, and things are here, but my heart is elsewhere. Tom and his son are visiting his family in Oklahoma. They won't return until tomorrow. I am sitting here under a cozy blanket, writing my blog, watching the dogs fight over a toy, and the only thing I can think is this: This house, nor any place, will ever be home again for me without him. The first time he held me, I knew it. I was instantly overcome with serenity. I felt protected and free at the same time. I felt like I had finally found my place in this world, like I finally found home. And I thank God to have been given this gift everyday of my life.
On the pregnancy front, it is time for me to go back to the fertility specialist for another uterine ultrasound. This one determines if I will have to go through another sugery before beginning fertility meds. It's obvious what we are hoping for. I know I have to be patient, but I so desperately want to get going. In the last few weeks, I have found out about a few friends who are expecting. I am so excited and happy for these girls. Especially a couple who I know have overcome their own fertility struggles. I can't imagine the joy they are feeling, and I want to extend my love and best wishes to them. All of these women will be or already are amazing mothers.
That being said, I will admit hearing about these blessed women makes me a little bit sad. I hate to say it, and I'm embarassed to admit it. I hate that tiny pain that starts in the pit of my stomach everytime I hear this wonderful news from one of my friends. I ask myself, "What kind of horrible, hateful person could feel this way hearing such joyous news from a friend?" I really try to keep the feeling at bay, but no matter what I do, jealousy and envy rear their ugly little heads.
Why would I admit such a terrible thing? Because this blog is meant to be truthful. This blog is meant to help others going through the same thing. And what good would this blog be if I left out all the less-than-flattering thoughts and feelings that accompany infertility?
I really am happy for my friends. I wish them all the best and hope they enjoy happy and worry free pregnancies. I'm just also kind-of sad for myself. No biggie in the long run.
That being said, today was a bitter-sweet homecoming. My doggies, bed, and things are here, but my heart is elsewhere. Tom and his son are visiting his family in Oklahoma. They won't return until tomorrow. I am sitting here under a cozy blanket, writing my blog, watching the dogs fight over a toy, and the only thing I can think is this: This house, nor any place, will ever be home again for me without him. The first time he held me, I knew it. I was instantly overcome with serenity. I felt protected and free at the same time. I felt like I had finally found my place in this world, like I finally found home. And I thank God to have been given this gift everyday of my life.
On the pregnancy front, it is time for me to go back to the fertility specialist for another uterine ultrasound. This one determines if I will have to go through another sugery before beginning fertility meds. It's obvious what we are hoping for. I know I have to be patient, but I so desperately want to get going. In the last few weeks, I have found out about a few friends who are expecting. I am so excited and happy for these girls. Especially a couple who I know have overcome their own fertility struggles. I can't imagine the joy they are feeling, and I want to extend my love and best wishes to them. All of these women will be or already are amazing mothers.
That being said, I will admit hearing about these blessed women makes me a little bit sad. I hate to say it, and I'm embarassed to admit it. I hate that tiny pain that starts in the pit of my stomach everytime I hear this wonderful news from one of my friends. I ask myself, "What kind of horrible, hateful person could feel this way hearing such joyous news from a friend?" I really try to keep the feeling at bay, but no matter what I do, jealousy and envy rear their ugly little heads.
Why would I admit such a terrible thing? Because this blog is meant to be truthful. This blog is meant to help others going through the same thing. And what good would this blog be if I left out all the less-than-flattering thoughts and feelings that accompany infertility?
I really am happy for my friends. I wish them all the best and hope they enjoy happy and worry free pregnancies. I'm just also kind-of sad for myself. No biggie in the long run.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
It's Girl Time!!
So excited!!! "The girls" are leaving our guys at home and taking a ladies' weekend to the Smoky Mountains. Watch out Maggie.
I am lucky enough to have a handful of besties that have stuck by me through thick and thin. I'm talking pre pre-school. We have loved, argued, and made-up with each other countless times. These girls have been my constant companions since I can't even remember. Our friendship has seen countless others come and go. From boyfriends to husbands, weddings to divorces, and motherhood to infertility, we have shared it all.
We generally try to meet up for dinner once every couple of months to catch up and soak each other in. What a wonderful blessing to have friends who know your entire history, and love you anyway. As far as girlfriends go, these three come second only to my beloved sister and mother.
So...Lori, Allison, Ashton, and I are off to lock ourselves up in a Smoky Mountain cabin for the entire weekend. No boys, no children, little responsiblity. But we are armed with plenty of wine, plenty of snacks, and plenty of love. :) See you later!
I am lucky enough to have a handful of besties that have stuck by me through thick and thin. I'm talking pre pre-school. We have loved, argued, and made-up with each other countless times. These girls have been my constant companions since I can't even remember. Our friendship has seen countless others come and go. From boyfriends to husbands, weddings to divorces, and motherhood to infertility, we have shared it all.
We generally try to meet up for dinner once every couple of months to catch up and soak each other in. What a wonderful blessing to have friends who know your entire history, and love you anyway. As far as girlfriends go, these three come second only to my beloved sister and mother.
So...Lori, Allison, Ashton, and I are off to lock ourselves up in a Smoky Mountain cabin for the entire weekend. No boys, no children, little responsiblity. But we are armed with plenty of wine, plenty of snacks, and plenty of love. :) See you later!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Happy Birthday Jalynn Kaye!
We may have not yet been successful in making our own little bundle of joy, but that does not mean I am without beautiful children in my life.
Tom's son Bradley, not much of a 'child' really, is 17 and absolutely wonderful. He is wildly intelligent and inherited his Dad's wit and charm.
Tom's son Bradley, not much of a 'child' really, is 17 and absolutely wonderful. He is wildly intelligent and inherited his Dad's wit and charm.
But even before Bradley, I became Godmother and thus surrogate mom to one of the sweetest little girls in the world. Jalynn Kaye Martin is four years old today. It seems like just yesterday that her mother and my best friend Lori, me, Linda, and my Mom sat in Baptist East all night waiting for her to arrive. I had court the next day, so I took my suit to the hospital with me at midnight October 31st, 2006. I changed at the hospital and went to make my court appearances the next morning. Unfortunately, the little bugger finally decided to grace us with her presence 15 minutes before I made it back to the hospital. Now, she is the light of all of our lives. She is frighteningly in tune, smart, and funny. She makes everybody smile. Happy birthday to my beautiful Goddaughter Jalynn, aka Strawberry Shortcake!!! Mandos loves you!
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