Back home and back to reality! The girls and I had a WONDERFUL getaway. We relaxed, laughed, and most of all talked. I return feeling like all of our friendships have been strengthened and renewed. I am so thankful for my girlfriends.
That being said, today was a bitter-sweet homecoming. My doggies, bed, and things are here, but my heart is elsewhere. Tom and his son are visiting his family in Oklahoma. They won't return until tomorrow. I am sitting here under a cozy blanket, writing my blog, watching the dogs fight over a toy, and the only thing I can think is this: This house, nor any place, will ever be home again for me without him. The first time he held me, I knew it. I was instantly overcome with serenity. I felt protected and free at the same time. I felt like I had finally found my place in this world, like I finally found home. And I thank God to have been given this gift everyday of my life.
On the pregnancy front, it is time for me to go back to the fertility specialist for another uterine ultrasound. This one determines if I will have to go through another sugery before beginning fertility meds. It's obvious what we are hoping for. I know I have to be patient, but I so desperately want to get going. In the last few weeks, I have found out about a few friends who are expecting. I am so excited and happy for these girls. Especially a couple who I know have overcome their own fertility struggles. I can't imagine the joy they are feeling, and I want to extend my love and best wishes to them. All of these women will be or already are amazing mothers.
That being said, I will admit hearing about these blessed women makes me a little bit sad. I hate to say it, and I'm embarassed to admit it. I hate that tiny pain that starts in the pit of my stomach everytime I hear this wonderful news from one of my friends. I ask myself, "What kind of horrible, hateful person could feel this way hearing such joyous news from a friend?" I really try to keep the feeling at bay, but no matter what I do, jealousy and envy rear their ugly little heads.
Why would I admit such a terrible thing? Because this blog is meant to be truthful. This blog is meant to help others going through the same thing. And what good would this blog be if I left out all the less-than-flattering thoughts and feelings that accompany infertility?
I really am happy for my friends. I wish them all the best and hope they enjoy happy and worry free pregnancies. I'm just also kind-of sad for myself. No biggie in the long run.
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