What if?

Life is a lovely, frightening, sometimes difficult, always different, and all too short ride.

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking.  Thinking about my life, and Tom's life, and the brand new life of our precious little Lana.  I've been thinking about how we got here to this particular moment in time.  I have been re-thinking my mistakes and the disappointments I and others have had along this journey.  I have been re-examining the years I spent waiting and wishing for the miracle of pregnancy.  And the more I think about it, the more I believe that each of us does have a fate or destiny.

What if Tom's Marine recruiter hadn't been an arrogant asshole...What if Tom hadn't met and married the mother of his son Bradley...What if Bradley had never been conceived and Tom moved back to Oklahoma... What  if Tom had gotten the job at a Sheriff's Dept in Indiana instead of Kentucky...What if I hadn't been engaged prior to deciding what law school to attend...What if I hadn't left the Jefferson County Commonwealth attorney's Office for a position in Shelbyville...What if I had successfully conceived a child in my first marriage...

How would mine and Tom's worlds be different today?

Any one of a thousand little decisions have the ability to greatly impact one's life.  Just one left turn instead of right...and who knows?

As for the infertility part of this thought process, the point is this:  For many years I wondered why.  Why was God so cruel?   Why couldn't I get pregnant?  Did God not want me to be a mother?  Would I be a bad one?  I just didn't understand any of it.

But now, I think it was all meant to be.  It wasn't the right time before. I wasn't the right person nor was I with the right person.  I needed to journey a little further and learn some more life lessons.  I needed to make some changes and accept some hard truths.  

I needed to become me.  And I needed to get here. 

I know, I know.  This is so easy to say now.  Now that I am finally seeing my dream of  becoming a mother come true.  Now that I am finally happy and fulfilled in my marriage in a way I never was before.  But, I can't help it.

I feel like Lana has been waiting for me just as long as I have been waiting for her.  I feel like all these years I have just been traveling the road to get to her and Tom.  

I had to travel the road first.  I had to get from point A to point B.  I feel like that road, along with its bumps and turns and ditches, was what ultimately made the difference.  That road is what will make me a better wife as well as a more thankful and appreciative mommy.

So, for any of you still struggling with what seems like a cruel God out there, take heart.  It can happen - it happened to me!  All those disappointments and heartbreaks can magically turn into blessings.  They can one day serve as reminders for us to take nothing for granted and appreciate every single moment we are given.  And I truly believe we will be better people because of our struggles.

"Sometimes, perhaps, we are allowed to get lost that we may find the right person to ask directions of."  ~Robert Brault

Momma-Pampering Time

I love to be pampered.  I love going to the salon, spa, or just about anywhere where someone's main purpose is to make me feel good.  Unfortunately, these type of trips have been few and far between lately.

In this economy, manicures, pedicures, and hairstyles just haven't stayed at the top of my priority list.  I'm not complaining or feeling sorry for myself...I am no different than 75% of the American public that have made certain sacrifices as of late.  But as a result of these sacrifices, I haven't had my hair cut or professionally colored since before Christmas.

While I have never been obsessed with my physical appearance, I do like to at least feel good about myself.  I've never bought an expensive designer purse in my life; I don't get all crazy about over-priced high heels; And I pick clothes that I like - not only because they happen to be in "style."  But like many pregnant women, I have been feeling really self-conscious lately.  I feel fat, ugly, and generally unappealing. 

I have decided that all maternity clothes must be designed by outdoorsy men since they inevitably make us look like tents.  As a result, I only have a few items that I really feel good about wearing right now.  And the hormones raging through my body have had negative side effects to both my skin and hair.   My skin is breaking out at an alarming rate and my usually shiny hair is looking dull and drab.  Then there is the belly.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE IT DEARLY especially in light of everything it represents.  But paired with my acne-riddled skin and dull hair, I just feel all-together gross. 

No more.  I desperately want to enjoy and feel good about this time in my life.  I have waited too long - and been through waaaaay too much - not to make the most out of this pregnancy!  So tomorrow I am throwing caution (and our budget) to the wind and going to get my hair cut, colored, and highlighted!!  I am so excited I can't see straight  :)

I have a mind to cut all of it off pixie style because it is so stupid hot.  But, one of my preggo mags warns NOT TO make drastic changes to your appearance during this time.  Considering the fact that I cry for no apparent reason at all these days, I think I will heed that warning.  But, I am definitely cleaning this old girl up a little!

Am I a bad Mom Already!?!

I have a confession to make...

For a couple of weeks now, I have been feeling Lana moving.  She is not really kicking just yet, more like doing somersault after somersault.  I think she is going to be a gymnast!  LOL

I was so excited to feel her move for the first time and have been looking forward to the feeling for weeks now.  But, now that it is here, I must say it is a bit more disturbing than I had imagined.  Don't get me wrong, I love it because it lets me know she is in there thriving.  But, to be honest it is also very startling.  I find myself shocked and somewhat weird-ed out by the whole thing.


For many years I was told I would not be able to have children.  I was told getting pregnant was improbable if not impossible.  So, I never thought I would ever feel life stirring inside my belly.  Actually, I never even allowed myself to imagine it.  And, now that it is, it is just sooooooooooo foreign! It is just...weird!

Does this make me a bad mom already?   I don't know why, but I feel a bit guilty about it.  I feel like I should be like the other moms-to-be who instantly feel comfortable with the stirring and movement in there.  What do you think?  Has anyone else had these kind of thoughts?  Please tell me I'm not alone!

Pregnancy ADD

So, I have heard of this.  I remember my friends talking about "Preggo Brain" and wondering if there was any truth to it.  I am now sufficiently convinced that this phenomenon is very, very real!  I feel like I can't think these days...

I completely blank out on words and/or names in mid-conversation...

I can't seem to work on or think about one subject too long...and

I just feel more ditsy than ever these days!!

Case in point:  This blog.  I have literally started 2 blog posts in the past week which I have been completely unable to finish!   Need proof?  Here it is -


Unfinished Blog #1: 

I am pregnant!  I have achieved every fertility challenged woman's dream.  I am in the middle of a healthy pregnancy with a baby GIRL!!!  So, why does my mind keep wanting to think infertile-y? 

It's not that I'm not happy, because I AM SO HAPPY that it is hard to fathom.  I'm so excited...and nervous...and thankful...and shocked...and every other emotion one can possibly feel.  Problem is, my mind is not used to this kind of thinking.  My brain is accustomed to skepticism, fear, and worry.   It is trained to look with a doubtful eye at any kind of happiness, always wondering when the other shoe will drop.

Unfinished Blog #2:

"This world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning."
Ivy Baker Priest

This Sunday, my step-son Bradley graduates from high school.  A milestone which symbolizes the end of childhood and the beginning of a new chapter in his life.  Meanwhile his father, my loving husband, is literally starting this process all over this fall...

Endings get a bad rap.  While many come with a degree of sadness, they are usually also the beginning of something new.  Maybe it is a new chapter, new job, new relationship, or an opportunity for a brand new life...  But there is almost always something coming up the pike.  It always helps to remember this when mourning an end.

Tom is a little sad ~ but also beaming with pride about the Graduation.  He and Bradley's mother have raised an extremely intelligent, kind, and considerate young man.  Last night, we sat in the auditorium and watched as Bradley was awarded "Senior of the Year" in his college-level computer programming school.  He is set to attend college in the fall and pursue a degree in computer programming.  He already works for a firm in Louisville as a programmer - a firm that is willing to invest a significant amount of time and money into grooming him for a career.  What a bright future he has to look forward to...

Meanwhile, many others in Tom's position would be looking forward to being child-less once again.  Not Tom, he is stepping in for round 2!  The midnight feedings, endless crying, first steps, and first words...again.  Learning how to ride a bike, teaching stranger-danger, puberty, and oh-my-goodness teenage years...again.   I wonder if it will be as exciting (and/or scary) a second time around, or whether it will be old hat. 

I don't know what it is!  Everything is taking me longer and requiring much more effort than normal.  It is so crazy to me.  I feel like I have alot to say, but I just can't seem to get it out! 


I promise I will try and do better.  In fact, I will post this and begin working on another entry immediately.  I do have some things to say about feeling the baby move...Wait, do I smell food??!??  Well, I'll try and begin a new entry!   LOL