Between a rock and a hard place

My very first adult pet is a cat named Scarlett.  He/she (he is a boy with a girl name) became my first baby way back in 2001, my first year of law school.  However, for the last 3 years, I have been fighting Mr. Scarlett tooth and nail to get him/her to use the litter box.  This is a fight I consistently lose.

Eventually he/she adopted one of the extra bedrooms as his/her own sanctuary and pee-palace.  Out of sheer exhaustion, I retreated and allowed him/her to do as he/she may in there.  Our retreat to neutral corners ended with the beginning nursery construction in that room.   After ripping up and replacing the carpet, this room has remained closed off from his/her use.  Her litter box (as if he/she bothers to use it) was moved into the common room.  Everything went surprisingly well, for a while...

During the week we were staying with my sister in Florida, Scarlett decided he/she would start using the couch as his/her personal toilet.  We returned from vacation to the overwhelming scent of ammonia and a now-worthless Thomasville sofa.  As you can imagine, momma was NOT happy.  We immediately took Scarlett to the vet to see if we could get some answers.  He/she has been on medication, had a change in diet, and yet none of these things have fixed the problem.  The final straw is that he/she is now urinating in the corner of our bedroom.  I really can't take it anymore.

I have been reluctant to make drastic changes up until now because I love him/her.  No matter how much of a burden he/she has become, he/she was my first baby.  But today, I decided I cannot go on like this.  And I will not bring Lana into this world just so she can sleep and crawl around on cat urine.  So today, Mr. Scarlett was moved outside.  He/she has been moved to the back deck for now, and will ultimately be let out into the yard.

I know how ridiculous it is, but I have been crying ever since.  He/she has NEVER lived outside. Every time I walk past the sliding glass doors he/she is standing there glaring at me.  I know he/she is scared.  I know he/she is confused.  I feel so guilty.  I feel like a cruel, uncaring human being.  I hate this. 

I know there are SUCH bigger problems in the world, but I am truly broken-hearted over this.  And it's not even raining or snowing.  I don't know if I did the right thing.  Does anyone else have any ideas?  I'm willing to try just about anything at this point.

La-Z Bones

I have an admission to make.

As of late, I have been extremely lazy.  Like, off the charts lazy.  I can't seem to muster the strength to do much of anything unless I absolutely have to. Example:  My mom offered to treat me to a pedicure after work last week and I just couldn't bring myself to go.  Seriously, too lazy to get pampered?  Is this normal?

On the weekends, I literally lay around ALL DAY LONG.  I feel so exhausted, the heat is kicking my butt, so I just sit here.  I figure the less I move, the cooler I will stay and less I will swell.  And Project Runway reruns on Lifetime are not helping.  

I tell myself this is temporary and probably normal in the third trimester, but deep down I'm afraid.  I'm afraid I will never have energy again.  I'm afraid I'll never want to get out of this house again.  I'm afraid that once Lana gets here I will suck as a mommy because of this overwhelming exhaustion.  IDK.  The closer I get to my due date, the more afraid I get of everything... Is that normal?  lol

Third Trimester!

I cannot believe I am already in my third trimester.  At the same time, I feel like I have been pregnant forever.  It's all very strange.

We are 2/3 of the way home and thus in approximately 11 weeks, little Lana should be here.  It's hard for me to wrap my brain around it!  I have so many questions!  I'm so scared, yet so excited.  I could literally burst with anticipation! 

• Will she have dark hair like mine, or be a blondie like her daddy...once was, long ago  ;). 
• Will she love me as much as I already love her? 
• Will I get through the birth without completely humiliating myself by (1) Acting like a big baby, or (2) Pooping on myself?  (And yes, fellas, this happens quite frequently I am sad to say)
• Will I cry when I lay eyes on her or simply let out several of my signature cackles from joy?  Or maybe both?!?!
• Is her arrival going to correspond with my sister's extended trip so she can be here for the birth?  I so want her to be here.
• Will my family be ousted from the maternity ward for rowdiness and noise violations?  (If you know my family at all, you will know that this is completely possible)
• Will I be as good at this mommy thing as I SO want to be?
• Will I be able to face the challenges of those first couple weeks without being too hard on myself or my husband?

I am so eager to lay eyes on this little one and begin our life as a family  :)

What I'm loving today

- The feeling of Lana stirring in the late afternoon and evening.  It seems that she is all quiet until I too am quiet, then BAM!!  Even though it still strikes me as super strange, I absolutely love feeling her moving in there. 

- Banana ice cream.  Still.

- The chuckle I get when Tom informs me that he is watching his "stories" on TV.  Hysterical that he calls his shows "stories."

-  Friends who are always there to remind me that I am loved and appreciated, and that the sun will shine tomorrow.  We could all use a pick-me-up at times, and I feel especially blessed for those who are always there to provide one.

- The fact that my growing belly is making my boobs look small for the first time in my life.  LOL

- My mom and her loving, albeit crazy, ways. 

- My furbabies who never miss an opportunity to say "I love you mom" with a tail wag or big sloppy kiss.

Hoping that you too have plenty to love and smile about in your lives!!  xoxo

How 'bout piece of humble pie?

If there is one thing I have learned these past few years, it is the art of admitting struggle.  This is a process that was totally unacceptable to me throughout many years of my life.  I considered it to be a sign of weakness and/or inferiority.  However, I have come to believe that the acknowledgement and acceptance of our own imperfections is one of the most courageous things we can do in life. 

This blog was one method I used to expose the imperfections and struggles in my life, among many others.  These past few years have caused me to realize how absolutely necessary it is to stay open, honest, and authentic in my relationships.  I no longer have the time, or patience, to sweep things under the rug and/or try and save face.  It is clear that no matter how long we ignore problems, they are still there, waiting under the surface to bite you in the butt the first chance they get.

I am in no way saying that admitting our struggles is easy.  I still grapple with my own expectations of what I should be or should have, and fight against my own pride almost every step of the way.  But nothing worth doing comes easy, and this fight is where we learn important life lessons.

I have recently had to come to terms with a shift in my own life, one that I'm sure many others are currently dealing with.  The economy is bad, business is slow, and therefore money is extremely tight.  Pile on the expenses relating to actually achieving this pregnancy as well as the things that need to be done for our precious Lana on the way, and you have a recipe for financial disaster.  It is clear changes need to be made, no matter how hard or humiliating they may be. 

So, things I used to be able to do or spend money on are no longer possibilities at this point in my life.  This means having to cancel or change some plans and alter some expectations.  The long and short of it is - it sucks.  I will not pretend it doesn't bother me.  It does to some extent...

BUT...when I consider what I am getting in return for these sacrifices, they become meaningless and trivial.    Just 8 months ago there was NOTHING I wouldn't do to start a family.  I would have signed away any possession, agreed to any condition, and happily accepted any sacrifice.  Now that I have been granted that wish, it's just time to pay the bill so to speak.  And that is ok.  I can do that, no matter how uncomfortable or humbling it is in the short-term.

My point is this:  For many, many years I lived a life where money/budgets/bills really never entered my day-to-day consciousness.  Not that I was stunningly rich by any means, but I was never forced to sacrifice material things or common luxuries in order to pay the mundane bills.  Regardless, what I remember most from that time was feeling excruciatingly lonely and unhappy.  No amount of material things filled the void I felt in my heart, nor could they satisfy the restlessness I felt to live differently.  When I finally decided to make changes, I knew they would come with a price.  And they have.  Not only financially, but in the form of lost relationships and friendships along the way.  But my life today is SO MUCH happier.  I am so much more content.  I feel at peace, and loved, and protected in a way I never did before.  And this is true no matter how much extra money we have in the bank.

So, if I have to eat my humble pie for a few years while we repay this wonderful dream we are naming 'Lana', so what?  I have a mad craving for sweets anyhow.

Stay safe this Holiday weekend.  Celebrate Independence Day with those you love and be thankful for what really matters most in life.  Just as my dream of Lana had its price, so does Freedom.  So give thanks this weekend not only for the freedom we have in the country, but also for those brave men and women who defend and keep it.

xoxo