Baby Bar Exam

Ok...

Maybe it is because this is my first baby.   Maybe it's because I am a perfectionist.  Or maybe I am just plain stupid.  But, seriously, I am so overwhelmed by all the baby products that I had anxiety attacks over doing this registry!!!  Should it really be so difficult?!? 

On Tuesday after our OB appointment Tom and I  made the trip to Babies R Us.  We spent an hour and half reading tags, comparing products which we have no idea about, and scanning items.  Poor Tom figured he would be useful as he did all this with his son, but baby products have come a long way in 18 years!!! As we walked the aisles, I felt almost as I did taking the bar exam seven years ago.  i.e.  I just wanted to scan whatever and get out of there!!!  But still, we built what I thought was a pretty good registry...

That was until my friend Allison took a look.  Allison is mommy of two and our unofficial (i.e. unpaid lol) interior decorator for project baby.  I asked her to do so and give me suggestions on items we had forgotten and/or those that were useless. She was the perfect person to do this because Allison is super cautious, oober-organized, and not shy about expressing her opinions.  Let's just say she wrote a small novel outlining the problems!!  LOL  Being that she knows SO much better than I do, I made the suggested changes and updated STAT.  I let Lori take a look at the modified registry and it seems that we are now on the right track.  

Now that we know that the baby is a Lana, we are turning our attention to preparing her room.

The carpet in the baby's room has been ruined by my beautiful cat Scarlett over these past few years...so new carpet is a must.  I put a deposit down on that yesterday. Money being scarce, we are reusing many pieces of furniture, opting to refinish them instead of buy new. 

Allison has helped me come up with a beautiful color palette for little Lana's room.  I am so excited to see it come together.  I knew I didn't want the typical pink room, I wanted something a little different for my one-of-a-kind miracle baby girl!  I also am not a big fan of the ultra-themed rooms.  So, we have selected some beautiful fabrics for the baby bedding (now if I could just find someone to make it!).  The walls are going to be a soft lavender/violet, and the carpet will be neutral.  Here is the plan:

The Walls will be this color with white wood work:

I am reusing an old TV armoire to house her clothing, as well as refinishing an old bombe chest to match.  The closet, of course, has been transformed into a built in changing nook with plenty of storage.  I am undecided whether the closet needs to be painted a deeper shade of plum or the blue-green shade of the birds in the fabric.  One thing is for sure, the shelves will be white.  

So, that is all we have for now  :)  We are planning on starting on this asap so I will be posting before and after pictures for you as we go.  We are doing all the work ourselves, so be patient!!! 

Have a great weekend friends!  And a special thank you to all who have served this country in the armed forces including active military, veterans, and their families!  The sacrifices and gifts you have given to us will never be forgotten. Happy Memorial Day!

20 things Lana has already taught me...

I am 20 weeks pregnant and cannot believe that we are half-way to meeting our little Lana!!  To honor the occasion, I have jotted down 20 things that she has already taught me...


(1)  GREAT things come to those who wait (even those who wait impatiently).

(2)  It is not safe to sneeze, laugh, or make sudden movements unless you have literally JUST emptied your bladder.

(3)  Waistlines, and similarly underwear, are for sissies  ;)

(4)  High heels are not my friend.  They are the enemy.

(5)  Motherhood will, and has already, changed everything.

(6)  Stretchmarks are not preventable.  Don't believe the hype.

(7)  The two lumps on my chest actually do have a higher calling.  They know this and therefore are now taking over completely. 

(8)  I will never be perfect.  But the love I feel for this baby already is.

(9)  What Lana wants, Lana gets.  Period.

(10)  I have more grey hair than previously imagined, and my natural hair color has lightened significantly over the years. 

(11)  It is wise to always keep snacks handy.

(12)  One can live a fairly normal existence even without any feeling in one's hand.

(13)  The future is important, but enjoying the here and now is equally so.

(14)  My 'independent woman' is having to take a backseat to my 'needy mommy' self for now.  I am so lucky to have such a wonderful and loving partner throughout this adventure.  Ever heard of a Velcro-dog?  Well I have most definitely become a Velcro-wife.   LOL

(15)  I can endure almost anything.  Even someone getting way too close to my bellybutton. 

(16)  No matter how nominal the amount of fabric used, baby girl clothes are just as, if not more, expensive than my own.

(17)  I am a big 'ol softy at heart.  I cry at songs on the radio, commercials, and even articles in magazines. 

(18)  Sleeping is NOT for the weary. Restlessness and numbing limbs are, however.  

(19)   The so-called "pregnancy glow" is really just a reflection of sweat off my newly-acquired acne.  

(20)  I will never, ever, do anything more important or half as special as what I am doing right now.

What was that?

Here I sit between 19 and 20 weeks of this miracle pregnancy...Almost half-way through this blessed adventure, which makes makes me incredibly excited (and a little bit sad).  But, more importantly, I am right smack dab in the allotted time frame for one of the most exciting experiences of a first-time mother's journey ~ quickening.

My first "maybe" moment came on Mother's Day.  We were on our way back from my Uncle's Lake House when I felt an odd sensation in my belly.  No "butterflies", more like a rolling sensation.  It was really really faint, and I'm pretty sure I'd have missed it had I not been sitting still in the car.  Could it be?  Was it Lana doing somersaults?  I sat really still and tried to feel her again, but nothing.  The rest of the ride home my mind was racing with questions of whether that was really "it." 

Since that day, I have been taking several moments out of the day to just sit still and feel for something.  What did I get in exchange for this effort?  A big fat nothing.  This lack of activity made me think the Mother's Day incident was more likely just gas or something.  LOL. 

But this morning, I was driving back from court in Oldham County.  I started feeling what seemed like little "pokes."  Not hard, but very soft and they didn't hurt.  But I could definately feel something.  Could this be her?  Or are these sensations 'pelvic girdle' stretching?  I don't know!!!  It's driving me crazy!!!

I am looking so forward to feeling her and knowing for sure!!  As I have stated before, I need constant reassurance that this whole thing isn't just a dream or some medical mistake.  I need to feel the life growing inside me to convince me that my growing belly isn't just my body's desperate attempt to hold onto the dream. 

So, what do you guys think?  Do you think it was Lana?

Healing Words

For too many years, I kept both my feelings and fears silent as it pertains to my infertility.  I tried to ignore, stifle, and deny the pain and loneliness I felt.  However, I have since learned that nothing can be hidden forever.  At some point, we all have to deal with our demons in one way or another. 

After exposing and beginning to deal with my own infertility, I realized how much I have punished myself over the years.  The blame, the anger, the loneliness; all directed inward.  No matter how much success I had in other areas of my life, the inadequacy I felt from infertility persisted.  It wasn't until I actually acknowledged my infertility and openly shared my grief that I began to heal (both emotionally and physically).

Feeling compelled to save friends and family from the same fate, I started this blog.  I intended for the blog to help others going through similar situations.  Funny thing is, I found that writing it has actually helped me in more ways than anyone can ever imagine.  I am blessed to be surrounded by friends and acquaintances that have shared their stories with me.  Stories that helped me get through some of the darkest and most frightening moments of this journey. 

In this spirit, one of my friends has agreed to share her story with you.  Below is the heart-wrenching account of a woman who has experienced more grief in the last few years than many do in a lifetime.   She recently went through her third miscarriage, finding that she hadn't completely dealt with the first two.  As I have been spared this horrible experience, I thought it might be helpful to some of you to hear her story of living through miscarriage. 

I do, however, think anyone who has had any trouble conceiving will empathize.  Her description of the pain and despair is hauntingly familiar to me, and I'm sure will be to countless other women.  The writer has asked to remain anonymous, so I will just say thank you for sharing to a beautiful woman and wonderful friend.  May God continue to help you heal.

"Broken hearted is not the term I would use to describe my current state. I’ve often heard that when a bone has been broken, it is more easily repaired and often heals stronger than before the injury. What I am feeling now is beyond broken hearted. What I am feeling now is an inconsolable ache. A pain for which there is no cure, no remedy, no easy fix. My heart is constantly constricting and writhing in this pain. My arms ache and yearn to hold my lost children. Every night I dream of them. Every night they are taken from me again, and again, no matter how hard I try to fight it. No matter how loud my silent dream-screams are, I can’t stop them from being taken. Though I plead and beg, fight and claw, it is no use, they are always taken. Every night I dream of the man I love only to awaken and realize that he is gone too; gone to a place where I cannot retrieve him. He is gone beyond my reach and only drifting further away each day. Lost to demons from his past and frustration in the present. Lost to grief and pain and suffering.

Broken hearted does not begin to describe my condition. I feel as though my world has been turned upside down by forces beyond my control. That my dreams have been mocked and crushed to dust. Try as I might to keep my world the way it was, to maintain the relationship and love, it was no match for the whirlwind of calamity that destroyed it. Hope as I might that redemption and a second chance could be had, that too was taken; snatched from my grasp and my aching arms; torn from my battered and bruised heart. My face is always wet with tears and my sobs come from a deep chasm within my soul. The sadness weights my body and I feel as though I carry thousands of pounds on my shoulders. It envelopes me and doesn’t want me to escape. It chokes my throat and occupies each thought. It makes food tasteless and sleep restless.

I am angry with my body for turning on me; for losing my babies. I feel as though my body goes against everything I have ever wanted and painfully forces those dreams out of me against my will. I feel empty, so very empty and I wonder how my heart can go on beating. How can it not just give up? Why won’t it? It might be easier if it would. Just to be still. Just to stop. If it would only stop, it could be spared so much hurt and pain and suffering. If it would only stop…

I am angry with the universe. I have always tried to do the right thing. To treat everyone the way I would want to be treated. To be kind, considerate, compassionate and caring. To give of myself, my time, and my belongings to those in need. To love unconditionally and commit myself wholly. To take the good with the bad and try to still find joy in life. I have endured much more than many realize. I have hidden scars that very few have seen. I have hurts and pains from my past inflicted on me by cruel people and cruel circumstances, but I have tried to learn from those experiences and make my life better. It doesn’t seem fair that a person who had endured so much already should be subjected to such agonizing pain and additional loss. It doesn’t seem fair that one with so much love to give should have it thrown back in their face. It may sound childish, but sometimes it really isn’t fair…

And yet, smoldering beneath all of these feelings and pain is a hint of hope. Hope that I can find the strength to survive this catastrophe named miscarriage. Hope that I can find the support I need to make it out of bed and through one more day. Hope that the children I lost will someday be given back to me. Hope that the man I love will find peace and make his way out of his torment. Hope that I will one day soon be able to smile. Hope that my body, heart and soul will heal and become stronger than before. I hope that my friends will continue to fan this flame of hope until it consumes me and burns away the burden I now carry.

To anyone who has suffered a miscarriage, or several like myself, I truly feel for you. This pain is not anything I would ever wish for another human being. It is difficult to understand why. It is difficult to move forward. It is difficult to live through, but after speaking with some close friends who have endured situations similar to mine, I know it can be done. It is possible. Happiness can be found. I now find myself leaning on these ladies to pull me through. I find myself child-like in my trust of what they say. I take comfort in relating to their experiences. Through this I am learning a lesson in humility; that sometimes I must accept help from others. Sometimes I must admit I can’t do it alone and reach out for help. I’m finding I am so thankful to have good friends there to take my hand when I reach out; and to those friends who beat down my door and blow up my phone when I don’t: God bless you."

Lana James Cypert

On my sweetest (and first official) mother's day, my love gave me the best gift I can imagine...he named our baby girl.

We had been thinking about names all along, but with the news that she is a "girl" our list dwindled down significantly.  Top considerations in the name search?  (1)  We want something classic.  Something that could withstand the ages and that is not too trendy or hip.  (2)  We want something unique.  We don't want our daughter going to school with 10 other kids sporting the same name.  (3)  We want something with a beautiful meaning befitting of it's assignee. (4)  Finally, we want something that will be beautiful at any age.   Nothing too cutesy or childish, but also nothing too old-woman sounding either.

So, in the end, it came down to just a few names.   Many of our favs were automatically excluded because they have become so popular in the last couple years  (Olivia, Isabel, and Eva to name a few). So, my top contenders were Lana, Laurel, or Ingrid.  Lana and Laurel both as a nod to my beautiful sister Laura and one of my favorite all-time actresses Lana Turner.  Ingrid because I have always thought this was a beautiful, classic, but exotic name. Tom's one and only pick was Kimber.  And, may God strike me dead if I'm lying, his pick was in honor of a gun manufacturer.  LOL!

The one thing we knew is that our daughter's middle name would be "James."   I have always liked females with masculine middle names.  And of course, I have talked at length about the special relationship I shared with my beloved Papaw, James Isadore Caudill.  The name James would also link to Tom's family history.  He is actually related to Jesse James.  And yes, that Jesse James.  His Grandmother, who is still alive and kicking in Oklahoma, was a "James" before marriage and first cousin to the famous outlaw. 
 
So, as I paired my top three first names with the middle name "James," Lana quickly took the lead.  This left two options:  Lana James Cypert OR Kimber James Cypert.  I like Kimber and think it is actually a very pretty name.  My only hesitation was that I could not imagine the name "Kimber" on a business card of a 40 year old (yes, I'm OCD and think about these things).  So, we would need to legally make the name Kimberly, and I'm not a fan.  Therefore, we have been debating this point all week.  It was a Mexican standoff, neither of us was willing to budge.  Little did I know that my dear husband was waiting to surprise me for Mother's Day.

We decided to leave the debate for a couple of days and took off for my Uncle's lake house this weekend.  Tom started calling the baby "Chiliwack" as a joke.  So, this weekend, it was "Chiliwack this, and Chiliwack that."  I had resigned myself to the notion that we would not agree on a name for our daughter until she was staring at us in the delivery room. 

 But last night, Tom came in with two cards (he is as bad as I am about gifts/holidays.  We are so impatient and can never wait!).  One was from him, and the other was from our unborn daughter.  There in blue ink, Tom had signed the card in feigned kid-writing "Lana James Cypert."  Turns out he had been purposefully pretending not to like the name "Lana" all week, just so he could surprise me and 'give in' on Mother's Day!

So, it is official.  In October, we will welcome a baby girl named Lana James Cypert.  Pronounced "Lah-Nah" and rhyming with wanna.  It was originally of Greek origin, but has been adopted by several other cultures over the centuries.  It has several different meanings according to the culture:  Celtic & Irish/English - Attractive, Peaceful;  Polish / Hawaiian - To Float, calm waters;  finally Greek / Slavic / Russian - Light/Holy.  It has not been widely used since the 1950's in the United States, and hopefully will remain unique.  Last but not least, we think it is a beautiful and classic name.  One that our little lady can wear from the cradle to the grave with pride. 

P.S.  I secretly believe Tom is giving in on this name just so he can name our next child unfettered, but I guess that remains to be seen.  ;)  Either way, we are both beyond thrilled and eager with anticipation to meet little Lana in October!!!!!


 

See the bracelet, Part Two

My confident, strong opinions didn't come out of nowhere.  Just another one of the many traits I inherited from my mother.  And as much as I hate to admit it, there are times when her bracelet 'trumps' mine.  There are definitely times when Momma knows best.

A few days ago I posted about a friend's situation concerning infertility and miscarriage.  In doing so, I bashed, shamed, and insulted her partner for the way in which he is handling the same.  Although my anger and frustration were a protective response for my friend, my mother has reminded me that I have no business judging the matter.  And she is exactly right (as always).

Last night, my momma stopped by the house to check in on me.  When this particular topic came up, I became extremely agitated and "preachy."  To be in the room, one would have thought I had been the one going through the terrible experience of a miscarriage.  My Momma wasn't having it.  First, she reminded me that I can't get myself upset and jeopardize the life of the baby living inside me.  Second, she reminded me to refrain from judging others from the outside looking in.  In other words, she told me (gently) that it really was  none of my business and to keep my nose out of it.  Only mommas can speak the truth like that!!!

A few years ago I went through a very difficult period in my own life.  I made decisions and acted in ways that many did not agree with.  I didn't just make waves, I caused a hurricane.  Hurricane Amanda LOL.  I knew at the time that my decisions were the right ones for me, but that others would take exception.  The certainty that I felt in those decisions is validated by my life now.  But, things weren't as clear to some back then and they took it personally.

Some dear friends and even family took it upon themselves to personally attack me for my actions.  No matter that they did not have the whole story, nor did they necessarily want it.  They were very happy to humiliate and hurt me, regardless.  Their instinct, much like mine the other day, was a protective one.  They took the situation personally, although it had nothing to do with them.  But no matter the basis of this treatment, it was wrong.  I remember feeling how unfair it was to be judged by those who not only did not know my story, but also had no stake in the matter.  I remember how hurt I was to have them turn on me in such a difficult time.  Most of all, I remember how wrong they were.

But they were no more wrong than I have been these past few days.

The one lesson that terrible experience taught me is NOT TO JUDGE other people in their actions.   What may appear selfish or wrong on the surface, may just be the right thing to do.   How in the world is anyone to know?  There really is no way to know without walking a mile in the other person's shoes.  And, finally, to keep from unfairly and unjustly judging someone you cannot take a situation personally when it is not.  What I mean is, if you aren't a primary in the story, sit back and shut up. Even more simply, if it is a conversation between A and B, you C, can see your way out of it.  It's none-ya. 

I must admit that I had allowed myself to do exactly the thing I promised I never would.  I allowed the subject of the matter, fertility/infertility, to personalize it and cloud my own judgment about what is right and wrong.  I made something my business that is clearly not.  And I am sorry for it.

The fact is, just because my friend is going through experiences close to my own DOES NOT MAKE ME A or B in the equation.  I am most definitely C, and should act accordingly.  This does not mean I don't believe in what I said, because I do.  I believe that a husband/boyfriend/etc should make every effort to support and comfort a significant other when she has gone through such a heart-wrenching traumatic experience.  The blame we women put on ourselves is the same whether the infertility results from the failure to become pregnant or failure to stay pregnant.  We all blame and punish ourselves.  We need someone to lean on who can talk sense into us and wipe away the tears.  Ideally, this person would be our significant other.   But, that is how I think things should be done.  My idea of right is not always everyone else's idea of right.  And at the end of the day, I am not in the guy's shoes.  I don't know what is keeping him from acting in the way I think he should, or what he is going through himself.  I don't know all the history, all the information, and all the issues he has.  So, it is really not for me to judge.

So, I am admitting that my emotions got the best of me these past few days and caused me to break my own Cardinal rule.  Which, in and of itself proves once again that none of us are perfect.  No matter how good our intentions are, we are all going to make mistakes along the way.  All I can do from here on out is be there for my friend and try and help her through this terrible time.  What the guy chooses to do or not do is not my decision to make, or judge.

Once again, my Mom has proved herself to be the all-wise, all-knowing, guardian angel that I love and definitely don't deserve.  As always, she inspires me to be a better, more compassionate, more understanding person.  On this mother's day, I feel so blessed that she is here to guide and help me when I fall short in my life and actions.  I am so lucky to have her not only in my life, but merely a stone's throw away.   And our daughter, I feel certain, will be equally blessed by her presence.

That being said, I have no idea how I will keep "Granny" from spoiling this kid to death!  She is already spoiled and she isn't even here yet!  Oh, well.  That's what Granny's are for, right?

Random question of the day

Ok, ladies.  Please, someone please, tell me the secret.  There has to be a solution to this daily problem, but Lord knows I have not yet found it.  I pull, and tug, and squirm, but I'll be damned if my underwear STILL will not stay up!

If the answer is thongs, well then you can keep it.  I have always hated the things and absolutely will not begin wearing them now.  But, I do need help.  It is absolutely not attractive to constantly be pulling and tugging to keep my undies from gracing my ankles.  But now that my stomach has expanded, there is no waist line to save the things from sliding down my hips and past my butt. 

I have tried the maternity underwear, and have found that they are almost as useless as their non-maternity counterparts.  So, what do other preggos do?  Go commando?  While my mother would support this decision as she has always preferred it, I'm not sure I can hang.  In pants maybe, but in a skirt or dress...I don't think so.

"You can agree with me...

Or you can be wrong."  Period.

A couple of years ago, I bought this big 'ol bangle bracelet with the above quote inscribed on it (pictured above).  I was shopping in Cape Cod with my sister-in-law Mandy, and just had to have it.  I may be an opinionated bitch, but at least I embrace it.

But, anyway, I bring this up today because this bracelet would describe my mood perfectly if I could fit it on my big swollen hand.

I have spent the past year writing this blog about my experience with infertility.  I have personally weathered several years of negative pregnancy tests, numerous surgeries, examinations, diagnoses, and treatments.  I have wondered when and if I would ever get pregnant, and how it would occur.  I rode the emotional roller-coaster several times in a row.  I remember feeling desperate and crazy and helpless all at the same time.  I've had physical pain from a surgery or treatment, that didn't amount to anything compared to the emotional void that existed inside me.   But, God spared me one terrible experience.  Thank the Lord above, I have never had to live through a miscarriage.

My mother had numerous miscarriages before being placed on bed rest for 7 months in order to give birth to me.  Several of my dear friends and family members have miscarried.  I have seen, although cannot personally imagine, the emotional heartbreak and physical havoc it causes to a woman.  I can't even begin to imagine it.    Truth is, I don't even want to imagine it.

This being said, I want to speak directly to the men whose wives and girlfriends have gone through, are going through, or may go through such an experience.  And what I want to say is, shut the f(*k up and support your woman.   GET OVER whatever is "stressing" you out and man-up.  Yes, it's sure to be an emotional time for you, too.   But your girlfriend/wife is going through BOTH the emotional and physical pain and needs your support more than ever.  Have some pride and act like a man should.  There will be time enough to baby you after.  I promise.

I have a friend who is currently going through this terrible experience with ABSOLUTELY NO SUPPORT  from her significant other.  Maybe it's the hormones, or maybe it's just my general crankiness, but I am simply sickened by this conduct.

Therefore, my dear husband has had to hear me man-bash all day long.  It's not fair, especially since you couldn't ask for a more supportive partner than he has been to me in this venture.  But, this selfish idiot is one of "his kind" and therefore they must suffer as one.  Forgive me, but this is just one of those times I think the woman is right, no matter how crazy or emotional she is being at the time.  And if you disagree, see the bracelet.

In closing, I'm disgusted, I'm angry, and I'm hungry (just in general).  This is not a good combination, my friends.  Not a good combination at all.

"A baby...

 "...Girl...one of the most beautiful miracles in life, one of the greatest joys we can ever know, and one of the reasons why there is a little extra sunshine, laughter and happiness in your world today"  ~Author Unknown


My heart is so full right now.  Words cannot describe how I feel.  This day was WELL worth the wait, the tests, the disappointments, the tears, the sleepless nights, the sadness, the anticipation, and the worry.  This day is what I have wished for so long.  With this baby girl, ALL of my dreams come true. 

And the twinkle in my husband's eyes upon hearing "it's a girl" is something I will never forget.  He squeezed my hand, and even in the darkened room, I could see the tears welling up in his eyes.


I'm still a little numb.  It's going to take a while for me to come down off this cloud.  :) 

Look at HER little hands up by her face.  Melt....

View of HER little tush and the back of her legs.  And the pointer is pointing, at well, the goods (or lack there of, should I say)  :)

She was flippin' and a' floppin' around so it was hard to get a pic!  I love how it looks like she is sucking her thumb here!

Our sweet miracle

Take a guess!!!!!!!

Tomorrow afternoon, we should know whether the baby in my belly is a boy or a girl.  That's right!!!  Tomorrow is the day (as long as baby Cypert cooperates)!!!!!

What do you think?  Will baby Cypert be wearing a pink or blue cap in October?