See the bracelet, Part Two

My confident, strong opinions didn't come out of nowhere.  Just another one of the many traits I inherited from my mother.  And as much as I hate to admit it, there are times when her bracelet 'trumps' mine.  There are definitely times when Momma knows best.

A few days ago I posted about a friend's situation concerning infertility and miscarriage.  In doing so, I bashed, shamed, and insulted her partner for the way in which he is handling the same.  Although my anger and frustration were a protective response for my friend, my mother has reminded me that I have no business judging the matter.  And she is exactly right (as always).

Last night, my momma stopped by the house to check in on me.  When this particular topic came up, I became extremely agitated and "preachy."  To be in the room, one would have thought I had been the one going through the terrible experience of a miscarriage.  My Momma wasn't having it.  First, she reminded me that I can't get myself upset and jeopardize the life of the baby living inside me.  Second, she reminded me to refrain from judging others from the outside looking in.  In other words, she told me (gently) that it really was  none of my business and to keep my nose out of it.  Only mommas can speak the truth like that!!!

A few years ago I went through a very difficult period in my own life.  I made decisions and acted in ways that many did not agree with.  I didn't just make waves, I caused a hurricane.  Hurricane Amanda LOL.  I knew at the time that my decisions were the right ones for me, but that others would take exception.  The certainty that I felt in those decisions is validated by my life now.  But, things weren't as clear to some back then and they took it personally.

Some dear friends and even family took it upon themselves to personally attack me for my actions.  No matter that they did not have the whole story, nor did they necessarily want it.  They were very happy to humiliate and hurt me, regardless.  Their instinct, much like mine the other day, was a protective one.  They took the situation personally, although it had nothing to do with them.  But no matter the basis of this treatment, it was wrong.  I remember feeling how unfair it was to be judged by those who not only did not know my story, but also had no stake in the matter.  I remember how hurt I was to have them turn on me in such a difficult time.  Most of all, I remember how wrong they were.

But they were no more wrong than I have been these past few days.

The one lesson that terrible experience taught me is NOT TO JUDGE other people in their actions.   What may appear selfish or wrong on the surface, may just be the right thing to do.   How in the world is anyone to know?  There really is no way to know without walking a mile in the other person's shoes.  And, finally, to keep from unfairly and unjustly judging someone you cannot take a situation personally when it is not.  What I mean is, if you aren't a primary in the story, sit back and shut up. Even more simply, if it is a conversation between A and B, you C, can see your way out of it.  It's none-ya. 

I must admit that I had allowed myself to do exactly the thing I promised I never would.  I allowed the subject of the matter, fertility/infertility, to personalize it and cloud my own judgment about what is right and wrong.  I made something my business that is clearly not.  And I am sorry for it.

The fact is, just because my friend is going through experiences close to my own DOES NOT MAKE ME A or B in the equation.  I am most definitely C, and should act accordingly.  This does not mean I don't believe in what I said, because I do.  I believe that a husband/boyfriend/etc should make every effort to support and comfort a significant other when she has gone through such a heart-wrenching traumatic experience.  The blame we women put on ourselves is the same whether the infertility results from the failure to become pregnant or failure to stay pregnant.  We all blame and punish ourselves.  We need someone to lean on who can talk sense into us and wipe away the tears.  Ideally, this person would be our significant other.   But, that is how I think things should be done.  My idea of right is not always everyone else's idea of right.  And at the end of the day, I am not in the guy's shoes.  I don't know what is keeping him from acting in the way I think he should, or what he is going through himself.  I don't know all the history, all the information, and all the issues he has.  So, it is really not for me to judge.

So, I am admitting that my emotions got the best of me these past few days and caused me to break my own Cardinal rule.  Which, in and of itself proves once again that none of us are perfect.  No matter how good our intentions are, we are all going to make mistakes along the way.  All I can do from here on out is be there for my friend and try and help her through this terrible time.  What the guy chooses to do or not do is not my decision to make, or judge.

Once again, my Mom has proved herself to be the all-wise, all-knowing, guardian angel that I love and definitely don't deserve.  As always, she inspires me to be a better, more compassionate, more understanding person.  On this mother's day, I feel so blessed that she is here to guide and help me when I fall short in my life and actions.  I am so lucky to have her not only in my life, but merely a stone's throw away.   And our daughter, I feel certain, will be equally blessed by her presence.

That being said, I have no idea how I will keep "Granny" from spoiling this kid to death!  She is already spoiled and she isn't even here yet!  Oh, well.  That's what Granny's are for, right?