The Southern Way

Let me begin by acknowledging, yes, some of the private details I have disclosed to the world through this blog would be embarrassing to most.   Opening up one's...life...like I have is not for everyone.  Part of me wonders whether I should have done what traditional Southern etiquette requires;  i.e. keep my mouth shut and smile through the pain.  Be a nice Southern Lady.  And never, never, mention any of these dirty details in mixed company.

Problem is, I'm not a nice Southern Lady.  I'm a Southern Woman.  And, yes, there is a difference.  Both should be kind, genuine, warm, and hospitable.   And both refer to females raised in the South (below the Mason/Dixon line). But the "Southern Lady" is typically demure, gentle, soft spoken, sweet, gracious, and hospitable.  The "Southern Woman", however, is bold, loud, direct, and somewhat controversial.  Think of it this way:  Southern Lady = Melanie Wilkes; Southern Woman = Scarlett O'Hara.  (And if you don't understand these references, rest assured that you are neither).

I always thought it would be so nice to be a Southern Lady.  These beautiful and gentle creatures charm anyone and everyone in their midst.  But, I've only known a few real, live Southern ladies in my lifetime.  One that comes to mind immediately is my good friend Allison's mother, Rena.  Rena exemplifies what a Southern Lady should be.  She is kind, generous, and an absolute joy to be around.  I spent much of my childhood in her home, and I never remember her raising her voice.  Not once.  And believe me, Allison and I gave her plenty of reason to do so (on more than one occasion). 

Unfortunately, being a beautiful, gentle, creature was not in the cards for me.  We must work with what we are given, and I was given a loud mouth which I frequently have trouble controlling.  That left me with only two possibilities:  (1) bitch, or (2) Southern Woman.  Thank God I was born below that Mason-Dixon line!  Because of this I was raised to be kind and hospitable, to say "hello" to strangers, and to make others feel comfortable and good about themselves whenever possible.  I just do so a little louder, and more aggressively, than my counterpart the Southern Lady.

So, as a Southern Woman, I was angered beyond belief when a family member (who shall remain nameless) told me that my struggle with infertility was "embarrassing."  I'm not sure whether they meant embarrassing to them, or to me.  But either way, it royally pissed me off.

First, it's not embarrassing.  I have a genuine hormonal imbalance and medical condition (PCOS) which prevents me from conceiving children naturally.  Big F*(king deal!  It appears to me that others have a genuine brain disorder which prevents them from thinking intelligently.  I won't whisper in the corner about your condition, and I give you permission not to whisper in the corner about mine.   

Second, the fact that people continue in this day and age to attach shame to infertility is disgusting to me.  It is true, women throughout the years have been left, shunned, and even killed for being unable to conceive.   But, the Dark Ages are OVER.  The fact is that men are just as likely to be infertile as women.  And, I certainly hope we women have come far enough to know that we can be useful and complete persons even without conceiving a child.  Come on, people, jeez.    


I suppose I cannot be too angry at pure ignorance.  I'm sure this particular person, and many others likely, would have preferred that I dealt with this situation the Old Southern Way.  Well, that is not me.  It's never gonna be me.  And, quite honestly, I'm glad it's not me.  I'm glad I'm a Southern Woman like my mother and my beloved Grandmother.  And, for those of you who don't like it, well, all I can say is "Bless your heart."

“Tough girls come from New York. Sweet girls, they're from Georgia. But us Kentucky girls, we have fire and ice in our blood. We can ride horses, be a debutante, throw left hooks, and drink with the boys, all the while making sweet tea, darlin'. And if we have an opinion, you know you're gonna hear it"


Ashely Judd