"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
After walking on the clouds these past couple of weeks, I was brought down quite suddenly by some devastating news. My first baby (fur), Prissy, passed away at the age of nine on Friday.
Prissy was a full-blooded Springer Spaniel. She was a loving and wonderful doggie. My ex-husband and I got her shortly after we got married. As a child, I always had small/teacup sized dogs. However, my ex had grown up with this Spaniel breed and insisted on staying with it. I am so glad he did. It was because of Prissy that I officially changed from a small dog person to a big dog person.
I remember when we got her. She was teeny tiny, so small she fit in the palm of my hand. She still had blue eyes, and I was convinced that she was meant to be mine with this coloring (of course, the blue eyes promptly turned brown, but I still believe she looked like me LOL). She sat with me the whole ride home from Bowling Green, snuggled tightly in a fetal position in my lap. For the first seven years of her life, she lived with me day in and day out. Although bred to be a "bird dog", Prissy decided she was unmistakably an inside/luxury type canine. She was funny and flirty, again a chip right off the old block. She made me laugh and cheered me up when I was sad. She snuggled me when I was sick and guarded me when we were alone. Losing her in the divorce was one of the hardest things I had ever done, until now.
I have not seen her since August 2009. My ex-husband and I had two pets together, Prissy and a cat named Scarlett. Along with the division of property, we also had to agree on the living arrangement for our fur-babies. Scarlett stayed with me, and Prissy went with her daddy. I was so unhappy about this arrangement, but also recognized that she and her daddy shared an especially close bond. I think she needed him, and I know he needed her. It was a given that Scarlett would remain with me, so, there Prissy went. I was devastated.
I cried on a nightly basis for several months. I know, I know, you "non-animal people" are probably rolling your eyes. But to me, Prissy was my daughter. And it was the loss of her daily company and unconditional love that hurt me the most. I only started to heal when I adopted my baby girl Karma. Later, when Tom and I got our babygirl Ally, I was finally able to move on...Somewhat.
I still filled Prissy's stocking at Christmas and asked about her every time I spoke to her dad. I asked if he would drop her off for a day's visitation, and he agreed, but it never actually happened. But to this day, I could not talk about her without tearing up. I missed her company so much. However, it was comforting knowing she was somewhere being cared for. Friday, however, my ex-husband called to tell me the bad news. I was driving home from work. I got hysterical. I just could not believe it.
Apparently Prissy developed a flipped stomach and went into cardiac arrest after emergency surgery. There was nothing that could be done. She was only 9 years old.
I cried most of the night Friday. I took a forced break from my break-down to attend my bestie Ashton's bridal shower, but promptly resumed the hysteria when I arrived back home. I experienced all of the emotions you would expect from a loss. Sadness, anger, and worst of all guilt. I wondered if she wondered where her mommy went and why she had to leave home. I wondered if she was scared and wished I was there to snuggle her when she got sick. And I started to question my fitness as a human mommie-to-be.
This is when Tom started to question my overall sanity. He got frustrated that I would even ask such a ridiculous question. Actually, nothing makes him quite as mad as when I am unfairly judgmental of myself. He can't understand why I am so hard on myself sometimes. And then he gets mad at me for me getting mad at me. Then I get mad for him getting mad. It's crazy.
But this weekend, I had to concede. After all, he was mainly worried about the stress I was putting on our baby by getting so upset. He pleaded with me to remember the sweet baby growing in my belly, and for me to calm down and breathe. He was right. I had to quit it. I had to calm down.
I have taken the remainder of the weekend to let Prissy's sudden death sink in. After my experiences with loss (human and furbaby), I still don't understand it. I still can't fully accept it. I always want to know why. But, I realize I may never know. I am working on accepting that, but it's hard.
I would just like to say that Miss Priss will always be remembered. She was my sweet baby, my first born if you will. She was a beautiful, elegant, and gentle doggie soul. And most of all, she was a really good friend to me.
There is no doubt in my mind that animals have souls, and that those souls go to heaven. So tonight, I hope my Mamaw is giving my sweet girl special love and attention on my behalf.
Mamaw, she really loves her ears scratched, and she loves to give kisses. Please tell her that I will love and remember her always. And tell her I will try my best to be the kind of person who will eventually get in up there so that we can be together again one day.
Priscilla "Prissy" Savannah
2002-2011
Who could resist this face?
She loved dressing like a witch for Halloween, just like her Momma!
Beautiful girl
Seriously, whatever she wanted she could get!
Sitting Pretty
She was a good little sister to Scarlett.
She loved to snuggle and sleep.
She looked regal.
She would just stare at me, and my heart would melt.
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