Thoughts of an infertile mind

I want to thank all of you for your kind words of encouragement.  We don't yet know what Friday has in store for us.  Be that as it may, I have decided not to take another home pregnancy test.  I just don't see the point in crying every single day this week over something I cannot control.  So, I will wait for Friday.  At that time, we will either rejoice in wonderful news or mourn a devastating loss.  These, after all, are our only choices.

This has been a roller coaster, and the 2ww has been much more difficult than I had expected.  Everything happened so fast, so I never really considered the possibility that the IVF wouldn't work.  Because my problem is ovulating, I figured that everything else would work like clockwork.  I am beginning to realize that this may not be the case.  

I am also trying desperately to keep my mind open and my anxiety under control.  Poor Tom doesn't know what to do with me and has been trying to keep me smiling.  I know he is exhausted and sick of trying to cheer me up.  And I know he can't understand why I can't buy what he is selling.  I wish I could be positive at this point, but I just can't.  My infertile mind has taken over, and it is now in complete control of the situation. 

I don't think I can explain what it is like to be an infertile woman undergoing fertility treatments to someone who has not experienced it first hand.  I'm sure it would be like someone trying to explain the magic of giving birth to me.   There are some experiences that just can't be described with words.

There are some experiences that all those trying to start a family share.  For instance, we all know the stress in wanting to have a child, but not knowing whether it will happen.  Another universal worry is whether the resulting pregnancy will be healthy.   But the infertile couple has additional stresses:  The amount of time spent in the Doctor's office for blood tests, ultrasounds, etc. during a fertility cycle (usually every 2-3 days); The pain and emotional fallout from hormonal stimulants;  The emotional toll of undergoing various medical procedures to achieve something others do naturally; and the Extraordinary amount of money spent on this venture with no guarantee of success.  Finally,

the infertile couple must deal with the stress and pressure all these circumstances put on their relationship.  Even the strongest of couples would be tested.

In addition to all this, there are thoughts and emotions that are only experienced by the patient (the person with the fertility issue).  It is very easy for someone who has not experienced infertility to dismiss these worries as unreasonable.  I'll admit it, many of them are just that.  But as we all know, our emotions don't respond to reason.  The closer and more personal the issue, the less reasonable and objective our feelings on the subject.  

Below is a list of the poisonous thoughts that run through my mind on a daily basis.  It's like a bad record that has been set to repeat.  I have heard it for several years...since my first sign of infertility: 

1. Something is wrong with me, I am broken... I am less than. 

2.  I am being punished for my sins and wrongs against others.  I deserve this.

3.  I hate myself for this.

4.  This is happening because I would be a bad mother. 

5.  I am a horrible wife and don't deserve my husband.  

6.  Bitch (upon seeing another pregnant person)...(followed almost immediately by) God, I'm a terrible person.

7.  Stupid Bitch (upon seeing a mother with a newborn baby)...(followed almost immediately by) God, I'm a terrible person.

8.  I am a disappointment to my family. 

9.  I will never be a real woman or feel complete.  

10.  I am forever cursed.

As you can see, the overwhelming theme is fault.  I.e.: This is my fault.  Thus, I am also to blame for all its consequences to myself and the ones I love.

As I sit here and write this, I know these things are not true.  I am ashamed to admit that these thoughts run through my mind, because I realize how ridiculous many of them are.  But, in my darkest hour when my spirit is weak and  I am frightened, I am not quite so level-headed.  I begin to believe these lies.  And this belief compromises my self-esteem and my sanity.

For those of you who have not had to experience this, I'm sure you feel like I'm being melodramatic.  That is ok.  I have never denied having a particular flair for drama, so I understand why it would appear so.  But I can assure you, as will anyone else who has dealt with infertility, these feelings are real and they are all consuming.

I can only pray that one day I can shut these thoughts off and change the record to a more cheerful tune.  Most of all, I hope that day turns out to be Friday.