Anxiety Central

OK.  T minus 9 weeks and I am starting to get nervous.  Like super nervous.  And neurotic.  And overwhelmed.  And needy.  And demanding.  And impatient.  And any other anxiety producing feeling you can feel.

The nursery is not ready by a long shot.  Not only have we not finished painting the room, but the dresser and armoire have not been completed either.  The bedding is still being made (which is nobody's fault but my own since I haven't gotten all the fabric together yet) and I am still weighing wall decor options.  I wish we had the money to just hire someone and say "Do this" but, alas, we don't.  And doing it yourself just doesn't cut it when yourself can't seem to do much of anything these days.  I am so lucky that one of my besties Allison has helped, because without her I'm quite sure NOTHING would be done!  Aside from all this, we don't have a single bottle or other necessary "baby" item in the house (with the exception of the crib, but it doesn't have a mattress, so I'm not sure what good it will do).  I feel like there is SO MUCH to do and not enough time/energy to do it. 

But, how can I get all this stuff ready when I can hardly bring myself to get out of bed these days?  Tom and Allison can't do everything.  I guess I just didn't really expect to be this tired.  It's a whole new level of exhaustion I was unaware existed.  I am now even more impressed by those women that cruise through their third trimester with seemingly endless energy.  Or with other children running around.  I can't even imagine.  Maybe it's my age, maybe it's the heat, or maybe it's just me: but I am definitely struggling.  Which makes me feel like a big fat failure.

And besides that, I recently got some **absolutely stellar** news (I hope you can sense the sarcasm).  I knew it was too much to ask to make it through this pregnancy with absolutely no medical issues.  As I cruised through the first and second trimesters, I just waited for the other shoe to drop.  And it finally has.   The results from my glucose tests came back and they aren't good.  It looks as if I will likely be diagnosed with gestational diabetes.  Goodbye banana ice cream.  I will miss you until we can be together again.

This latest sugary-speed bump has thrown me for a loop.  Again with the blame.  I am mad at myself and disappointed that I couldn't pass this stupid test...as if I had any control over it whatsoever.  But that is besides the point.  I have been angry with my body because I again feel like a big failure.  I was crappy at getting pregnant, now I am crappy at being pregnant.  I would have just liked something to go smoothly. 

But, at it's core this is just another hormone-related problem.  And not completely shocking since mothers who suffer from PCOS have a higher probability of being diagnosed with gestational diabetes.   Once again I have been blessed with friends who have been supportive and shared their experiences with me.  All who were diagnosed with gestational diabetes got through the pregnancy with no complications and returned back to normal afterward.  I just have to have faith that the same will be true for me.  :)

I know in the end  everything will be fine, what truly needs to get done will, and Lana will make her entrance healthy and happy.  This is all that really matters.  As Tom says, I need to focus on the glass being half full instead of half empty.  But this can be super hard to do when you are exhausted, waddling around town, and hormonal in general...