One of those Dorothy Zbornak kinda days.

So, I have an appointment to see my general practitioner this afternoon.  It's hard to explain, but I have been feeling just off lately.  These last few of weeks I have felt excessively drained of energy.  I have also had frequent headaches and stomach aches, which in and of themselves are nothing, but make life miserable when you are already feeling bad in general.  I know my body, and I know something is wrong. 

What is exactly wrong with me? I have three theories:  1. My hormones are causing me to feel this way  2.  I have run myself down and my mono is back  3.  My depression medication is no longer working.

1.  I recently went back on the birth control pill to complete the necessary testing associated with a fertility diagnosis.  I went back on Yaz, a pill I took with no problems a few years ago.  However, since I started this pill I have noticed that PMS symptoms have trippled.  I cramp excessively, have horrible headaches, and am sick to my stomach the week before my period.  Could this medication also be causing my general ickiness feeling?  Hum.  I don't know.

2.  I had mono at 16.  I have always heard that once you have had it, you will always test positive for it.  And if you don't watch yourself, you can run yourself down so much as to have it become active in your body again.  This would surely explain why I have been feeling so lethargic lately.  This past year has been a doozy.  Lots of exciting changes, but lots of stresses too.  Opening my own business has been a blessing in many ways: I am no longer at the mercy of others, I have flexibility in my schedule that is hard to beat, and I am the master of my own destiny.  But the flip side of that coin is that I'm never off.  I am always on call.  The life of a criminal defense attorney demands that your cellphone be on and within reach at all times.  People sitting in jail are not that understanding about "me time."  A missed call could mean a missed mortgage payment.  And as wonderful as it is to be master, it is also stressful.  I get no salary.  I live by what I make.  Most of the month I spend calculating and recalculating what I need to earn in order to pay next month's bills.  Maybe I have worried and run myself to death, therefore re-activating the dreaded mono.

3.  Over the years, I have had bouts with minor depression and anxiety.  In law school, I took Paxil for about a year.  This allowed me to get through the dreaded "first year" without going completely insane.  This past year, my doctor put me on Lexapro to help balance my innards.  Some people seem embarassed to admit these things, but I don't find any shame in it.  I'm not one of those people who think you should just muddle through until you find yourself with a noose in one hand and a gun in the other.  By God, if there is a medication available which can help, why not use it as another tool in your arsenal?  People are weird about that stuff.  But, anyways, I can't help but wonder if my current medication is no longer working as it should.  I see those commercials with questions like "Trouble getting out of bed?"  "Do you avoid other people?"  My answer is, yes, yes!  I hate getting out of bed in the morning, and as for people, I dread seeing them.  I am so tired of people in general and their never ending problems and gripes.  Does this mean I'm depressed or just a synical bitch?  I don't know.  And, do you have to be sad to be depressed?  Because I'm generally very happy about my life.  I do, however, at times get overly-stressed out and have my share of freak-out days.  I have even been known to have anxiety attacks where I have trouble breathing.  And, as much progress as I have made in accepting my fertility limitations, I would be lying if I said it never bothers me.  I still go through the whole thing at times:  the self-pitty, the why me?'s.   I don't know.  Maybe I'm just a whollotta crazy...

So, today I feel like Dorothy Zbornak (for all you Golden Girls fans out there) in that episode where she was finally diagnosed with CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome).  Remember when she told that Doctor off in the restaurant because he made her feel like a crazy and senile old woman?  Well, I'm gonna get my big girl "Bea Arthur" panties on and get to the bottom of this one way or another  ;) 

If I'm Dorothy Zbornak, does that make my mom Sophia?  LOL  ;)