The Blame Game

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them. "  George Bernard Shaw

For me, this past year has been one full of change, exploration, healing, redemption, and discovery.  For too many years, I reagarded my unhapiness and disappointment as  the unavoidable consequences of everyday life.  I assumed that these feelings were normal.  I tried to act as if it were ok.  But, the thing about acting is that  you can't go on forever living in someone else's idea of contentment.  The longer it goes, the more you lose sight of yourself and the harder it is to find you.

I remember looking at myself in the mirror or listening to myself speak and thinking, "Who are you?  Where did I go?"  And I can't describe the lonliness that comes with losing sight of yourself completely.  It is all-consuming and devastating.  I was desperate for a change.  I was desperate to feel alive again. 

I don't know exactly when I finally realized that I could no longer blame others or my circumstances for my lot in life.  It was my life.  My life to live, or to change for that matter.  "A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life."   (James Allen)
I don't know what other people do to get themselves back.  And I don't remember the exact moment that I realized big decisions and big changes would be required.   But I could no longer blame others for my unhappiness.  It was my life to live, or not to live, for that matter.  And so, it was also my life to change.

I don't presume that the path I chose was entirely right or entirely wrong.  I hurt and disappointed loved ones along the way.  I even lost people and things that had once meant everything to me.  These negative consequences were largely consequences of my own cowardice and attempts at self-protection.  I suppose these are the unintended but unavoidable consequences of seeking a different life.  You can't change your life without changing the scenery.  But, I still struggle to come to peace with the losses and the broken hearts.

That being said, the positive effects on my everyday life have more than outweighed the negative.  The strain on friendships/family relationships actually led to deeper and more meaningful/honest connections.  There is a new level of understanding and honesty between my immediate family and I which is irreplaceable.  It is now clear the friendships and other things which I lost in the interim had actually run their course.  I harbor no hard feelings, it simply was time for each of us to move on.  Most importantly, I am living the life I want.  I am in a relationship which inspires and renews me.  I see and hear me again.  I'm back. 

Please understand, I mean in no way to comment on or discuss the details of my previous relationship.  Suffice it to say that one of the consequences of my life change was a divorce from someone I cared, and continue to care about, immensely.  Divorces are devastating and heartbreaking on both parties.  No matter how unhappy and unfulfilling the marriage, the decision to leave your partner is quite possibly one of the hardest in life to make.  It is frightening and difficult to cut that last string holding you and another person together.

And, there is always a villian.  In my story, I was quite obviouslly crowed the villian.  Some of this very public determination was warranted. I made mistakes and contributed my share to the breakdown of the marriage.  "A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday."  (Alexander Pope)  But, as many labels are, this one-diminsional attempt at an explanation is also extremely unfair and superficial.  The breakdown of a fourteen-year relationship is so much more complicated, there is so much more to consider, it's not just black and white.   But I will gladly accept this designation in the hopes of finding true happiness in the future.  Happiness that takes no stock of my imputed "villianous" persona.  Luckily, I believe I have already found it.

I have been asked whether the upheavil was worth it.  Whether, if I were taken back in time, would I make the same decisions and demand the same changes.  My answer is resoundingly yes.  Because had I not acted to change my life and create happiness where there was none, I would have no one to blame but myself.

This quest for a child is also an extension of my original "seek happiness" plan.  Again, I waited too long to act.  And again, if I just sat back and let the opprotunity to seek a family pass me by now, I would have no one to blame but myself.