Stuck in Purgatory

My insomnia comes and goes, intensifying and waning depending upon my stress and overall health.  This week has been worse than usual.

I equate insomnia with purgatory.  You're never really asleep, and you're never really awake. It's the in between.  You zombie-walk through your days thinking of nothing but the moment when your head can hit the pillow again.  And alas!  The minute you lay down, your brain finally wakes up and starts working frantically as if to try and catch up.  Your body says NO I"M TIRED, but your brain doesn't listen.  So, there you are.  Your body & your mind are on totally different schedules.  And like always, when it's brains against brawn, brains wins. 

This week has been extremely bad insomnia-wise.  I initially fall asleep (aided by my good friend Ambien), only to wake two to three hours later with NO CHANCE of going back.  Aside from my obvious susceptibility to insomnia, the Provera pills aren't helping matters.  The following are listed as side-effects:   "breast tenderness, breast milk secretion, breakthrough bleeding or spotting (minor vaginal bleeding), irregular periods, absence of menstrual periods, vaginal secretions, headache, nervousness, dizziness, depression, insomnia, sleepiness, fatigue, premenstrual syndrome-like symptoms, thrombophlebitis (inflammation cause by blood clots), itching, hives, skin rash, acne, hair loss, hair growth, abdominal discomfort, nausea, bloating, fever, increase in weight, swelling, changes in vision and sensitivity to contact lenses."  Absent the milk secretion (yuck) and hair loss, I can honestly say I have experienced every single one of these side-effects.

Regardless of the discomfort and inconvenience, I am absolutely committed to doing this.  I want so badly to be a mother, and I want Tom to be the father of my children.  But aside from the purgatory of insomnia, I also feel like I'm stuck in some kind of screwed up fertility-purgatory.  I'm not fertile, obviously,  But I'm not a hopeless case either ~ Doctors believe I will eventually be able to conceive.  Like all those stuck in limbo, I mostly want to know how long I have to stay here.  I  believe this would be so much easier if I could just know how long it was going to last.  Like if someone could say, "Yes, you are going to go through this hell for _____ months, but if you are really good, you will then be released."  Problem is no one can tell me that.  Not Tom, not my mom or sister, and not the Doctor.  I could be stuck here indefinitely.  And, it's the waiting that makes it all the more tragic and difficult.

There is nothing that can be done.  I just keep trying to remind myself of the possibilities.  But, at 3:00 a.m. for the third night in a row, the hours just get harder and harder to pass with a positive attitude.

So, to you Catholics out there, any tips for getting myself out of Purgatory?  Or to the countless others who have shared their incredible fertility treatment journeys with me since starting this blog, do you have any advice on how to get through?  How to get through without driving myself completely insane first, that is?