Virgo the Virgin...

Ok, well, I AM a Virgo.

This year, on the anniversary of my birth, my goal is to be "born again."  And no, not a "born again virgin" (what the hell is that anyway?).  But "born again" in a sense that I am going to try really really hard to curb some of my more Virgo-like habits.

Virgo is the only zodiacal sign represented by a female.  This is cool, but a little bit ironic considering the circumstnace in which I now find myself - basically infertile.  That aside, Virgos are known to possess several wonderful personality traits (hum hum), as well as some not-so-wonderful habits.  One of these is that we are widely known to be extremely picky, detail-oriented, and perfectionists in general.  We are said to demand perfection from ourselves and others, a trait which can lead to endless self-doubt and self-criticism.  This Virgo trait is one that I have in droves.

Being a perfectionist, if kept in check, is not a completely negative personality trait.  I owe much of the success I have acheived in my career to my unrelenting quest to be the best.  However, I have also allowed my perfectionist tendencies to negatively effect my decisions in the past.  One of the main areas in which I have allowed my overly self-critical ways to hold me back is in the reproductive department.

As you know (because obviously you are reading my blog), I recently "came out" as a 30-something woman struggling to deal with issues of infertility.  Despite my recent decision to publicly declare this personal information, I lived for years and years with it my dirty little secret.  I have known that I was "less than perfect" in the reproductive department since I was 21 years old.  For many years, I refused to even admit it to myself.  I couldn't come to terms with this one question:  How in the world could I fail at this? 

To give you an idea of what I'm talking about, the following are typical of my overly self-critical thoughts on the fertility matter: 

"Isn't this what I am supposed to do as a woman?  Isn't this one of the fundamental duties of my gender ~ an honor bestowed on just us.  Men can't have babies, women can.  Everybody knows that.  So why in the hell can't I?  There's no one more "woman" than me.  When you look up "woman" in the dictionary, my picture should be there.  So, how in the hell could I of all people fail at this?  Me, who has never met a challenge I didn't like.  Me, who decided as a four year old that I would be an attorney one day, and damnit if I didn't do it.  Me, who believes that with hard work, determination, and sweat, anything is possible.  So, it just can't be true.  I just can't be infertile.  And, I'll be damned if I'm going to see some hack fertility specialist who probably wants to baste me just like a Thanksgiving turkey.  I can do this all on my own.  I don't need or want anyone's help.  And if that stupid b*^ch I saw at the grocery today with more kids than teeth can do it, I'll be damned if I can't." 

Harsh, yes.  Mean, yes.  But true.  These are the kind of screwed-up thoughts that run through my head sometimes.  And it's these thoughts that kept me from addressing this issue for so many years.  Not only would I not go see a specialist, I went four or five consecutive years without even seeing my OBGYN.  Ridiculous and stupid, I know.  What can I say, I was in denial.  I decided that if I didn't think about it, if I didn't hear about it, that the problem didn't exist.  And I could pretend to be "perfect."  What a waste of time.  What a waste of years.

So, on the the anniversary of my 31st year of living, I plan to be theorectically re-born into a less critical Virgo.  And I can't think of a better way to do that than spend time with the people who love me unconditionally. 

Therefore, Tom and I spent Labor Day weekend at my Uncle's lake house with my Mom, Dave, Uncle Bill, Aunt Terry, Cari, Katie, JJ, and Brittney.  Coincedentally, we were also celebrating the birthday of another phenomenal Virgo, my beloved Momma.  We had a great time relaxing, laying in the sun, boating, watching movies, and eating an endless amount of not-so-good for you goodies.  Next up? Tom & I are flying off to Miami on Saturday to spend some quality time with my wonderful sister Laurina and her super-cool husband Ben.  We are also taking the opportunity for some couple R&R time and going on a 7 night Western Carribean Cruise.  We will get back to South Beach just in time for me to blow out birthday candles \with my beautiful sister.

Aside from the obvious relaxation that comes with vacation, I also want to use this time to reset.  Reset my expectations for myself and others.  I am excited to spend this month with those who I truly love, and those who truly love me.  No matter my age, dress size, or mood ~ they are alaways there.  These people, my family (by blood and by choice), constantly inspire me by their love and support to lighten the heavy load of expectations and blame I place upon myself.  I can't imagine a more loving and useful birthday present.