Good Kentucky bred stock...

I was fourteen, almost fifteen.  You know, that magical time when the baby fat has melted away, your boobs have come in, and the curves are in all the right places.  I spent a portion of my summer out of town staying with friends and, surprise surprise, met a boy.  It was the kind of mysterious, innocent, summer romance we all dream of.  Actually, it was much less of a romance and much more of a flirtation, but whatever.  He was a local football star;  I was tall and slender, but unarguably 'volumptuous' when compared to other 15 year old girls.  Upon meeting me for the first time, his father commented, "Yes son, that sure is prime Kentucky breeding stock." 

Overtly sexist and a bit inappropriate, yes.  Ok, maybe alot inappropriate.  It's probably not the sort of phrasing men outside Kentucky (or the south) would use to describe their admiration for a particular young woman.  You are more likely to hear this phrase used by a trainer describing his prize filly. But nonetheless, I will admit that I was flattered by this observation.   To this day I do not remember the names of the boy nor his father, but I clearly remember that moment. 

Why?  I suppose one reason is that this is my first recollection of being regarded as an actual "woman" as opposed to merely a girl.  But, I think it goes much deeper than that. I think it goes back to Adam and Eve, ripened fruit, and society's overall judgment as to the basic duty of "us women."  Even at 15, I knew that "fertile" was good.  I, like most others, interpreted his comment as validation of health, sensuality, and overall femininity.      

Fast forward fifteen years.  What's his name's father would be soooooooo embarrassed.  Turns out that his assessment of my fertility turned out to be, well, plain wrong.

For the past ten years I have been struggling silently with a chronic hormone imbalance and consequently, infertility.  My coping mechanisms have changed through the years.  First denial, then indifference and detachment, and more recently depression have resulted.  I have been poked, prodded, and tested too many times to count.  Even surgery has failed to provide a solution or answer thus far.  Let's just suffice it to say that I am exhausted.

So, why start a blog about all the personal and messy complications inherent with a topic such as infertility?  First, let me address the things I don't want to get out of writing this blog:  (1)  Sympathy.  My struggles are not your fault, please don't apologize.  It's just annoying and a little bit patronizing.  (2)  Forgiveness.  No, my whacked out hormones have not been responsible for every harsh word I've uttered or mistake I've made in life.  If you are still pissed about that time I told you off or ignored you in the hall, don't make the mistake of chalking it up to some hormonal imbalance.  As a rule I apologize for my hormone-fueled freakouts/screwups up front, so if you haven't received such an apology, well...

On to the things I would like to accomplish with this blog:  (1)  Healing.  This is still a daily struggle for me.  There are extensive physical and emotional ramifications dealing with infertility.  I have such wonderful, supportive, well-meaning, but utterly clueless friends.  And I mean clueless in the most loving way possible.  The fact is that almost none can relate to what I've gone through.  In fact, most of them get knocked up at the drop of a hat.  So, sometimes venting to them just doesn't cut it.  Hopefully this blog provides a platform for me to bitch, complain, and ultimately let go.  (2)  Awareness.  Infertility is the elephant in the room.  Most of us who struggle with it do so alone.  I have felt those feelings of shame, anger, and resentment toward myself and others.  I have wanted to hit somebody at the receipt of yet another baby shower invite.  Although I'm nowhere near perfect, I have learned some lessons along the way.  And I'm still learning, hoping, and coping with what the future may, or may not hold.  I just believe it's time for us to talk about it.  If my talking about it makes it easier on someone else out there, well that is just peachy with me.

So stay tuned.  There is much to share, and hopefully even more to look forward to.