Time to make a fresh start

This will be my final post in my fruitless filly blog.

This blog has given me so much cathartic comfort over these past couple of years.  It has been a place for me to let go of my sadness, air my frustration, and share my hopes and dreams for the future.  I am so happy to say that I can now move on from it and focus on life after infertility. 

Yes, technically I am still infertile.  And, the issue is sure to come up again as we try and grow our family in the future.  But, I am no longer "fruitless" thanks to the medical miracle of In Vitro Fertilization.  Lana's birth has forever changed me for the better.  Whatever happens with respect to my ability to conceive in the future, I will always be the proud mother of one beautiful baby girl named Lana James. 

So, in this spirit I move on to document my journey as a new mommy after successfully conquering infertility.  My new blog is located at www.thefruitfullfilly.blogspot.com.  I thank all my loyal Fruitless Filly readers for your love and support, both those official followers and others who stay on the DL.  I invite you to join me over at my new blog!  I have no idea what is in store for us, but I know it is sure to lead to some funny stories!!!

So, goodbye to Fruitless Filly.  Although I am glad to be rid of her, I know my experiences documented herein will make me a more appreciative and loving mommy to my Lana-girl.  <3

xoxo

What NOT to do...

Well, Lana has been here only 10 days and is pretty much ruling the roost around here.  Not so shockingly, she has both of us wrapped completely around her tiny finger.  She is the most beautiful, sweetest, funniest, most perfect baby in the entire world.  Seriously, she is.  ;)

Prior to her arrival, I had grand plans regarding how this would work and intended to follow certain "schedules" in parenting our beautiful baby girl.  Much to my surprise (not really), Lana has already taught me that my plans must take a backseat to hers.

Before she came, I swore I would purposefully create increments of physical distance from day one so as not to foster separation anxiety later when I return to work.  Wonderful idea and very smart in theory, but there is just one problem...I didn't count on the separation anxiety being my own!!!  I am really trying to get better at this, but I swear I have to fight the urge not to snuggle this little girl constantly.  For admittedly selfish reasons, I hate putting her down anywhere.  I want her next to me, snuggled into my chest constantly.  I love feeling her little cheek against my skin and hearing her coo out of sheer delight.  I know how quickly this time will pass.  Before I know it, she won't want to be snuggled next to mommy 24/7.  :(  So, I have made a command decision.  I am just going to do it all wrong.  I'm going to snuggle her constantly and not worry about it.  Yes, there is a risk that I am creating a monster.  There is also a likelihood that I will pay dearly for it when I do return to work.  But I just can't help it.  I waited and dreamed so long about this child.  There was a time I thought this would never happen. So now that she is here, there is no way that I am not soaking up every single second of snuggle time possible.

And as an aside, her father is even worse than I am.  Truth be told most of the time we bicker about who gets to hold her!!!

Anyway, these past 10 days have been nothing short of unbelievable.  They have been the absolute happiest days of my entire life.  Tom is off for a few weeks as well, which has made it even better.  I feel like we are finally on our honeymoon.  We didn't take one after our wedding last year and instead immediately began a round of fertility treatments.  I must say, this 'honeymoon' at home with our baby girl is better than any tropical paradise I can imagine.   
 
Must get back to snuggling my baby girl for now.  Hope all is well with everyone.  I have been a bit preoccupied so I have no idea what is going on.  Oh well  :)

xoxo

Words Fall Short

...in describing these last few days.

On October 12, 2011, my life was forever changed by a 7 lb. 10 ounce miracle named Lana James.

She is everything I wished for and more.  She is perfect in every single way.  She is the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes upon and has surpassed all my wildest dreams.  The touch of her skin or sound of her little voice fills me with so much overwhelming love that it is difficult to breathe (in a really awesome way).  Even now as I look across the hospital room at her napping in the bassinet, I find myself missing her and wanting to hold her.  It is already clear that I am a fool for this little lady and her head full of chestnut brown hair.

Lana's arrival was long awaited and especially emotional for everyone in the room.  The last couple of hours before her birth were intense, frightening at times, and physically/emotionally difficult.  However, they were the most beautiful moments of my entire life.  I will never ever do anything more important and utterly miraculous for the rest of my life.

In the aftermath of giving birth to my daughter, I find myself more in love with my husband than ever before (which I previously thought impossible) and so utterly thankful for him and our love for one another.  I am absolutely in awe of him and the joy he has brought into my life.  I watch him hold and kiss our daughter and see my entire world before me.  It is clear that nothing else matters even half as much as this little family we are building.   

Finally, I find that I am more aware of how blessed I have been to have such a wonderful mother and sister throughout my life.  Now I understand how and why my mother loves me as she does, without condition or expectation.  And I look at both women and see the single biggest influences on who I am today.  I feel so wonderfully blessed to have had them in the room when this beautiful miracle popped out.

There are funny stories to be told and details to be shared, but they can wait.  Right now the only thing I can think of is getting back to the little lady in the corner of the room who is stirring.

Thank you to all who have sent well wishes.  We are so thankful and feel so lucky to be surrounded by such wonderful friends and family.  I promise, I will be in touch soon  xoxoxo

Many more photos to come of this beautiful baby girl!!!



 

Things "they" don't want you to know...

So, here I am, waiting for this miracle child to decide and grace us with her presence any day now.  Growing more anxious by the minute, and feeling as if she may never decide to leave "La hacienda de Amanda."  


After one of my loyal readers called me out yesterday on my lack of posting recently, I decided I did indeed have something to say that may be worth reading.  You see, I had generally stopped posting these last few weeks because my attitude is less than stellar at this point and I'm not sure anyone is interested in hearing me talk about being miserable.  But, I have learned some new information that could prove useful to future preggo's out there wanting to know what to expect.


So, here it is.  A list of little known/scarcely publicized events that occur during these last few weeks of pregnancy.  As always, I intend to be frank and include information that will most likely gross you men out entirely.  Get over it.  After reading, I'm sure you can understand why no one else dares speak of them!!!!


(1)  Soreness rising to the level of pain.  Terrible, awful soreness that makes you feel like you were kicked continuously in your lady parts.  There is a myth that the preggo waddle originates from the extra weight around the middle.  Oh no, ladies, this is not the case.  The waddle is due to the fact that your pelvic area is so sore you can scarcely close your legs.  This endless pain makes it awkward to walk, and downright painful to turn over in bed.  I really have no idea what causes this but have read that it could be due to the spreading of your hips or the position of the baby's head.  Whichever it is, I'm fairly certain that it rivals than when a man is kicked in that area.   Only difference is, with the preggos this pain begins around week 35/35 and does not go away until delivery.


(2)  Leaking.  And I'm not talking about from the breasts, although that can happen too.  I'm talking about constantly leaking something from down there.  I say something because again, I have no idea what it is.  Could be urine, could be amniotic fluid.  Doc said it's probably a little of both.  I have no idea and I'm not sure I even want to know.  All I do know is that you better plan on wearing some kind of maxi pad these last few weeks unless you are ok with walking around wet all day.  It is absolutely disgusting.

(3)  Drooling. I swear, I'm not making this up.  I wake up nightly in a puddle of my own drool.  I had never heard of this associated with pregnancy before.  But thanks to my good friend google, I found out that this is one of those unexpected yet common things that happens late in the game.  Due to the again increasing levels of hormones preparing your body for delivery, something happens to increase the amount of saliva we produce.  This results in a wet pillow at night and dry mouth in the morning.  

(4)  Sleeping can be downright dangerous.  Seriously.  First, there is absolutely no way to be comfortable anymore.  Preggos are only allowed to sleep on the side, and now even that sucks.  Your belly is so big and weighted down with little precious that it sags and pulls to whatever side you lay on.   But, the really dangerous part is if you are like me and change positions unknowingly while still asleep.  These last few weeks I find that I will roll on my back while still asleep, I'm sure trying anything to get comfortable.  However, by the time I am miserable enough to wake in this position, I am close to being smothered by this big cumbersome belly.  And I mean it hurts.

(5)  Swelling...of your NOSE!  Ok, everybody knows that your hands and feet swell during this process.  But, who knew that your damn nose would swell?  I swear to you I am not making this up...my nose has doubled in width in the last month.  Need proof?  

Pregnancy nose:

 


Pre-pregnancy nose (taken last year with my good friend Steph):

All I can say is that my nose BETTER GO BACK TO NORMAL.  Uggg. 


(6)  Family Drama.  Everybody is excited and anxious for baby's arrival.  Of course, the to-be parents, but then the extended family are as well.  This can sometimes result in family drama if one is not careful.  This is the first of many times (I imagine) that well-intentioned family members will second guess or find fault in your decisions regarding your child.  In the end though, none of this is about them.  It's not even us (the parents).  It's about Lana.  So, if you as a new mom want to set boundaries and visiting hours those first few weeks while everyone in the immediate household is adjusting, do it.  No need to apologize for it.  Those who can't understand initially will get over it.  It is not personal, it is a choice to create as serene of an environment as is possible with a newborn baby.  This is sage advice I was given by COUNTLESS friends who learned from experience (sometimes the hard way).  The reason:  there is no benefit to adding more stress or expectation to yourself during these first few weeks.  The only way the baby is going to be happy and healthy is if mom and dad are happy and healthy.  Emotionally and physically.  Do whatever is necessary to ensure that this is the case.  There are so many other things you will not be able to control when she arrives (her schedule, my success at breastfeeding, etc. etc.).  Deciding to put her needs first is the one thing I can, and will.

(7)  End-of-your-Rope Point.  At some time, you will hit it.  No matter how much you wanted this pregnancy or appreciate it, there will be a point in these last few weeks where you "JUST WANT THIS BABY OUT!!!"   It's normal.  It doesn't mean you are ungrateful.  It doesn't make you a bad mom.  Your body is literally working physically to expel this child from itself for a reason.  He/she has grown mature enough to make it on the outside and has become too big/mature for you to support any longer.  It makes sense that your emotional wants/wishes would go hand-in-hand with your physical wants/wishes.  In other words, it's time for baby to be evicted.  I, for one, gave this child her eviction notice this weekend.  According to KY law, she had 7 days from Sunday to comply.  When I have our last doctor's appointment this afternoon, the Doctor will be informed of this legal requirement and the consequences should she choose not to comply ;)

Yes, the list is scary.  And adds insult to injury with all the other well-known things that happen during pregnancy.  My friend Nikki summed it up when I jokingly commented "Uggg. I'm glad none of you let me know how absolutely miserable these last couple weeks would be. I might have chickened out."  She replied, "It's pregnancy's dirty little secret. No one told me either . . .but after she's hatched, you can give those knowing looks to expecting moms. ;)"

But take heart, because in the end it's all worth it.  I haven't met one mom that thinks otherwise.  

As I stated earlier, today is our last OB appointment.  I think we will be scheduling an induction today since she seems to have decided to ignored my desperate pleas to vacate this week.  For me, it can't come soon enough.  Even more than my physical exhaustion with this pregnancy right now, I am just so ready to meet and kiss the little booger.  I cannot wait.


xoxo


Next time you hear from me I will officially be un-pregnant...and a new mommy  :)

My promise to Lana

I'm sure I will make mistakes as a parent.  The "perfect parent" does not exist.  But there is one mistake I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT MAKE.  Not as long as there is breath left in my body...

Lana will NOT be raised in or around substance abuse of any kind.  She will never feel the hurt and pain caused by addiction of a parent OR a grandparent.  And, she will never feel inferior to something that comes from a bottle, or anything else for that matter.

Children of an addict develop a "disease" of their own.  We have scars that never really heal.  The disease of co-dependency is almost as dysfunctional and destructive as addiction itself.  It causes an unshakable feeling of inferiority and shame in the child's mind which lingers into adulthood.  The child learns to adapt behavior to compensate for another person's abuses.  As we become adults, the children of addiction constantly struggle with the push and pull of a toxic relationship.  It is a terrible, terrible feeling to love someone but have no way to help...No way to stop their self-destruction.  Ultimately, the unsatisfying answer is to establish boundaries in order to self-protect.  But even this causes feelings of guilt and sadness to linger.  The worry and doubts never cease.  We are never really free from the emotional control of the addict. 

I suffer from this collateral disease of co-dependency, as does my sister.  We have worked very hard to treat our disease and establish/maintain healthy boundaries.  But it is an endless struggle to accept and feel peace. 

And through no choice of our own, we have missed out on a could-be meaningful relationship because of addiction. But we are not the only ones in my family in this predicament.  Addiction truly is a family disease and tends to span the generations.  It tends to repeat itself over and over.   However, IT STOPS HERE.  Period.  I will not let Lana be further collateral damage to addiction. 

In summary, I may not be able to cure my loved one's disease, but I can certainly protect my daughter from inheriting mine.   

Blueprint for a Happy Life

I often sit and think about the kind of person I would like Lana to become. 

It took me a number of years to learn some of the lessons I have written below.  There are some I still struggle to live by.  But, they are the "rules" that I try to follow in my life and the ones that I think lead to happiness and contentment.  After all is said and done, these two things are worth more than all the money in the world.   

So, here is my blueprint for raising our daughter.  I hope in the midst of all the madness that is sure to come, we never lose sight of the big picture; i.e. Lana's happiness:  

~You only have one life.  Success, achievement, wealth, and comfort are all very nice.  But absolutely nothing will replace true happiness.

~Happiness can only really be found in loving yourself and those around you.

~Love is a risk always worth taking.

~Be kind to others first.  You never know what kind of struggles and battles they are busy fighting in their own lives.

~Be honest with yourself and others. Doing so will save you a heap of trouble AND earn you the respect of others...even those who disagree with you.  

~Accept help when you need it.  This does not make you weak, but actually demonstrates your inner strength.

~Be gentle to and love your fur-babies.  There will be days when your furry friends will be the only ones who can stand to be around you.

~Family is everything.  No matter how crazy, meddling, opinionated, or lovingly dysfunctional, they really do have your best interests at heart. 

~Failure is O.K.  Making mistakes is part of life and how we learn.  It's the part that comes after that matters the most.

~Strive to forgive people.  Forgiveness does not mean you have to like a person or choose to surround yourself with them.  But carrying hatred in your heart takes away from your own inner peace and happiness.

~There will be days when you feel like no one cares.  There will be days when you feel all alone in this world.  It's those days that I want you to read back through this blog.  Remember that you are a miracle and dream come true to me and your father.  And as long as we are here, you will never be alone.


xoxo
   

O M G...

My belly button is popping out.  I'm sure of it. 

Those who know me best know how utterly terrifying this is to me.

It is bulging at all the corners, and I feel like it is only a matter of time.

Please Lord, give me strength.